4 days left

[burninghill]

Recently I've been lying awake every night with intrusive thoughts about myself and other people getting hurt.

When I'm not awake, I'm having nightmares of people killing themselves. It sucks but it's been this way since I was 13. I think my suicidality as a whole is one big intrusive thought. To kill myself is an urge I've had for many years, though not necessarily a thought I've ever tried to resist, so maybe it's not intrusive, maybe it's just some kind of gross infatuation.

I have 4 days left to live and I am seeing my boyfriend and two close friends tomorrow, this is the last time I will see any of them. I will spend the following 2 days by myself and kill myself on the 4th day (June 12th) via train decapitation.

I've been thinking a lot about my future and what I want out of life and I really don't see anything here for me. I don't enjoy anything and I don't want to put effort in. I do want to enjoy living, just not as this disgusting shell of a person. I wish that I was somebody else with this perfect life. Nothing is fulfilling for me. I have everything and feel nothing.

It has been almost a year since my first attempt, which was July 20th.

Please message me if you'd like to keep me company. Or leave a reply in this thread.

 

[cutelamb22]

Hello I would

 

[burninghill]

Hello I would

I wish I could but I don't think you have enough experience on your account to receive messages. I actually recognise some of your posts and your username. What do you study at university?

 

[cutelamb22]

I wish I could but I don't think you have enough experience on your account to receive messages. I actually recognise some of your posts and your username. What do you study at university?

I'm studying law and history. Yeah I only made this account recently and I don't understand the site all that well. Thank you for replying to me

 

[burninghill]

I'm studying law and history. Yeah I only made this account recently and I don't understand the site all that well. Thank you for replying to me

How's it going for you? I'm in university currently for painting and have a few friends who have studied more academic subjects, it's no joke

 

[ForeverUnknown]

Nothing is fulfilling for me. I have everything and feel nothing.

I don't wish for you to kys. I hope nothing but the best for you. But when I read these lines, I could see myself in them. Ig on that front we are the same.

 

[burninghill]

I don't wish for you to kys. I hope nothing but the best for you. But when I read these lines, I could see myself in them. Ig on that front we are the same.

I'm sorry that you feel similarly. It's difficult, I just feel so empty eventhough I have everything I could ever want.

 

[cutelamb22]

How's it going for you? I'm in university currently for painting and have a few friends who have studied more academic subjects, it's no joke

Since I've been depressed I've really done no work since the first week. I went to all my classes then and just stopped and started playing games. I haven't been honest like that with anyone. My exams are in a few days and I'll do terrible. I hate myself for it so much and feel so useless. I feel so guilty about it. I do enjoy studying I just don't know what happened

 

[burninghill]

Since I've been depressed I've really done no work since the first week. I went to all my classes then and just stopped and started playing games. I haven't been honest like that with anyone. My exams are in a few days and I'll do terrible. I hate myself for it so much and feel so useless. I feel so guilty about it. I do enjoy studying I just don't know what happened

Please don't feel guilty. My studies have slipped a lot in the last year too. It's hard for some people to understand the way your motivation can slip when you're depressed or suicidal, but I'm sure everyone on here does. Most people don't even go to university, so you're already doing really well for yourself and it's clear that you're not trying to let anyone down.

 

[youremy]

Have you considered going out to a nice place in nature where you could just skim the material? And then promise yourself to trying an refresh just one chapter?

Or do you consider yourself utterly bedridden..? How bad is it?

When it's not fully on bed-rotting, unable-to-eat depression, then the smallest step like this can really help. I know this message might make you cringe and want to curl up in your blanket, but sometimes this can be the difference between a streak of days feeling like utter shit and one day feeling "wow, okay. that wasn't so bad".

And you won't make significant progress. But you'll place one green mark on the calendar that's been turning darker and darker shades of red over the past week.

The walk won't do you harm either. Just a short one.

Hang in there, king.

 

[cutelamb22]

Please don't feel guilty. My studies have slipped a lot in the last year too. It's hard for some people to understand the way your motivation can slip when you're depressed or suicidal, but I'm sure everyone on here does. Most people don't even go to university, so you're already doing really well for yourself and it's clear that you're not trying to let anyone down.

Thank you I appreciate it more than you know. I wish everyone else was understanding like you. By the way I love neon genesis evangelion also

 

[burninghill]

Have you considered going out to a nice place in nature where you could just skim the material? And then promise yourself to trying an refresh just one chapter?

Or do you consider yourself utterly bedridden..? How bad is it?

When it's not fully on bed-rotting, unable-to-eat depression, then the smallest step like this can really help. I know this message might make you cringe and want to curl up in your blanket, but sometimes this can be the difference between a streak of days feeling like utter shit and one day feeling "wow, okay. that wasn't so bad".

And you won't make significant progress. But you'll place one green mark on the calendar that's been turning darker and darker shades of red over the past week.

The walk won't do you harm either. Just a short one.

Hang in there, king.

I go out fairly frequently. I'm still going out with my friends around every week and I've spent some time to myself in nature. It is nice, but I really don't feel anything for it.

I remember when I used to feel something, like I could look at a view and feel fulfilled just because it was beautiful. It makes me feel really horrible that I don't care about that kind of thing anymore. I don't know if this is better or worse than being bedridden.

I promised myself I'd live a bit longer when I abandoned my attempt date in late April. It feels so hopeless, I feel like I'm constantly throwing a ball to the same dog and just waiting for it to be brought back. I always end up suicidal again one way or another.

I agree with you that it comes off as cringey advice, but forcing yourself out of bed can really help. Luckily I haven't been that bad since around September of last year.

I really appreciate your message. It's really nice.

Thank you I appreciate it more than you know. I wish everyone else was understanding like you. By the way I love neon genesis evangelion also

Oh awesome!! NGE is so cool. What other shows are you into?

 

[cutelamb22]

I go out fairly frequently. I'm still going out with my friends around every week and I've spent some time to myself in nature. It is nice, but I really don't feel anything for it.

I remember when I used to feel something, like I could look at a view and feel fulfilled just because it was beautiful. It makes me feel really horrible that I don't care about that kind of thing anymore. I don't know if this is better or worse than being bedridden.

I promised myself I'd live a bit longer when I abandoned my attempt date in late April. It feels so hopeless, I feel like I'm constantly throwing a ball to the same dog and just waiting for it to be brought back. I always end up suicidal again one way or another.

I agree with you that it comes off as cringey advice, but forcing yourself out of bed can really help. Luckily I haven't been that bad since around September of last year.

I really appreciate your message. It's really nice.

Oh awesome!! NGE is so cool. What other shows are you into?

I like a lot of anime. Madoka magica is my favourite I think, and hxh. What about you?

 

[The Disqualified]

Please message me if you'd like to keep me company. Or leave a reply in this thread.

Hi. I am feeling horrible right now, but I still had to reply here, as this is such a big decision.
You seem young like me, and I feel you need someone to talk to. I just can't put up with how this world pushes people to take their lives like that.
You seem to go to uni, have a family, and a boyfriend. That's all interesting things about you.

I think I lost my desensitization to these topics once I started to realize the lives behind the screen...
But this is a whole other topic, and I don't know your situation.

I would surely like to message you. This is a very big decision, but I hope you feel comfortable talking here. I certainly understand wishing to die.
I am going to read your threads as well.
I am very tired right now. Too much has been going on in my life.

I hope you think this through.
Sending you warm hugs.

 

[burninghill]

Hi. I am feeling horrible right now, but I still had to reply here, as this is such a big decision.
You seem young like me, and I feel you need someone to talk to. I just can't put up with how this world pushes people to take their lives like that.
You seem to go to uni, have a family, and a boyfriend. That's all interesting things about you.

I think I lost my desensitization to these topics once I started to realize the lives behind the screen...
But this is a whole other topic, and I don't know your situation.

I would surely like to message you. This is a very big decision, but I hope you feel comfortable talking here. I certainly understand wishing to die.
I am going to read your threads as well.
I am very tired right now. Too much has been going on in my life.

I hope you think this through.
Sending you warm hugs.

I don't mind talking wherever you're most comfortable.

Thankfully I have a lot of people to talk to, I just have a lot of trouble opening up. I find it a lot easier and relieving to talk to people anonymously online which is why I've been seeking this sort of connection recently.

I think all things considered I do have a lot going for me which is why still being suicidal feels like such a terrible thing. I feel like no matter how much I have I can't be happy.

I'd definitely love to talk to you if you're open to it.
(I'm somewhat occupied so this may not be my best reply lmao)

 

[The Disqualified]

I don't mind talking wherever you're most comfortable.

Thankfully I have a lot of people to talk to, I just have a lot of trouble opening up. I find it a lot easier and relieving to talk to people anonymously online which is why I've been seeking this sort of connection recently.

I think all things considered I do have a lot going for me which is why still being suicidal feels like such a terrible thing. I feel like no matter how much I have I can't be happy.

I'd definitely love to talk to you if you're open to it.
(I'm somewhat occupied so this may not be my best reply lmao)

No problem with the reply. I am also very occupied this night and will have to do some studying inevitably.
Don't worry, I will dm you here.

 

[SighCry]

Recently I've been lying awake every night with intrusive thoughts about myself and other people getting hurt.

When I'm not awake, I'm having nightmares of people killing themselves. It sucks but it's been this way since I was 13. I think my suicidality as a whole is one big intrusive thought. To kill myself is an urge I've had for many years, though not necessarily a thought I've ever tried to resist, so maybe it's not intrusive, maybe it's just some kind of gross infatuation.

I have 4 days left to live and I am seeing my boyfriend and two close friends tomorrow, this is the last time I will see any of them. I will spend the following 2 days by myself and kill myself on the 4th day (June 12th) via train decapitation.

I've been thinking a lot about my future and what I want out of life and I really don't see anything here for me. I don't enjoy anything and I don't want to put effort in. I do want to enjoy living, just not as this disgusting shell of a person. I wish that I was somebody else with this perfect life. Nothing is fulfilling for me. I have everything and feel nothing.

It has been almost a year since my first attempt, which was July 20th.

Please message me if you'd like to keep me company. Or leave a reply in this thread.

Sorry that life has brought you here. Are you in your 20s? IDK it just seems like you have a lot going for you.

 

[burninghill]

Sorry that life has brought you here. Are you in your 20s? IDK it just seems like you have a lot going for you.

I'm 20. I agree with you, I honestly feel like I have everything which is sort of the problem. I have no logical complaints about my life and I'm still fixated on suicide. I don't think that anything will fix this urge.

 

[SighCry]

I'm 20. I agree with you, I honestly feel like I have everything which is sort of the problem. I have no logical complaints about my life and I'm still fixated on suicide. I don't think that anything will fix this urge.

So sorry to hear - damn you're so young. Do you know what would have to change to make you reconsider?

 

[burninghill]

So sorry to hear - damn you're so young. Do you know what would have to change to make you reconsider?

I'm not really sure honestly. I've been suicidal for a really long time, I think it's just built into me. I really appreciate your concern

 

[SighCry]

I'm not really sure honestly. I've been suicidal for a really long time, I think it's just built into me. I really appreciate your concern

Of course, any time. I will hope that you reconsider because you seem like a good person and you're young but respect any choice that you make and really do understand how you're feeling.

 

[iwkmsssb]

i feel you on the part of having everything yet feeling suicidal nonetheless, i was brought up with the constant reminder that other people will always have it worse than you. i have family, i have friends, im not struggling financially yet i am still depressed. i've never felt like i had the right to even be depressed in the first place, but suicide has always been a plan b to whatever hits me in life and it has never left no matter how long or how hard i try. it sort of gets comforting after a while. living for others is exhausting and i'm sorry it's gotten to this point for you, i hope things will get easier and that you find peace with whatever path you decide in the end. we fr stereotypical NGE fans lmao.

 

[Ben111]

I totally understand what ur feelin, im 21 yrs still living with my mom,always felt i don't belong 2 this wrld i think about killing myself daily but I'm scared of the pain

 

[DeathfulEnd]

Sorry to hear of your pain and wish you the best of luck.

 

[NiicheKey]

I've been thinking a lot about my future and what I want out of life and I really don't see anything here for me. I don't enjoy anything and I don't want to put effort in. I do want to enjoy living, just not as this disgusting shell of a person. I wish that I was somebody else with this perfect life. Nothing is fulfilling for me. I have everything and feel nothing.

It's natural to think more about your future when you have a plan to go, even yearn for good life/change in life instead. The human brain searches for the last resorts to stay, even though the『 you 』 inside thinks it's all over.
I really feel you in all your words, my mental illness and suicidality also started at 13, we are almost the same age rn and completely hopeless about future.

I've put into quote words that I think we need to highlight and think through... Me, personally, I don't get how people want to live; I wouldn't like to have happy, different life. But if you have a small desire to enjoy life, but as someone else, then why not become someone else? Maybe not drastically, like changing your name and occupation, but get a haircut you'd like, for starters.
"But it's not that easy to change and I don't have effort to do, nothing is appealing" I know, I'm the same! and I know this advice is not convincing at all, my bad. My point is that if you have a tiny desire, then you're not ready to die. This desire may not come true, yet advantage of being young is that it makes the opportunities to change easier.

It seems you're convinced to die mentally in 99%, but will you have the effort to actually face the train? If you decide, then I only wish you peace, and not drastic accident that will leave you crippled. Dying by train is very scary, loud, daunting way to do...

 

[burninghill]

It seems you're convinced to die mentally in 99%, but will you have the effort to actually face the train? If you decide, then I only wish you peace, and not drastic accident that will leave you crippled. Dying by train is very scary, loud, daunting way to do...

I've laid on the rails and spent as much time at railway stations as possible, so all I can do is hope and get very drunk I guess