Venting 30 years old and I'm the scapegoat no matter where I am. I am inherently untrustworthy and aggressive and lazy, no matter how hard I work not to be...

[pin-k]

I was sexually/physically/emotionally abused and neglected as a child. Since I was a baby. All the way till I got the fuck out and when I was guilt tripped into coming back it just happened more.

Constantly asking for help, teachers don't take me seriously, they contribute to the abuse, and take the sides of my bullies in school

Started begging for therapy in middle school just to be told to quit making excuses.

Hell I had a horse fall on my leg in middle school and I wasn't able to walk for a month and instead of taking me to a hospital, or the school calling CPS for me not being able to walk for a month and not being taken to a hospital, everybody in my life just told me I was fake limping as an excuse to not have to do anything. I was somehow successfully faking not being able to walk on my leg for an ENTIRE month straight.

I was told I was exaggerating all my sexual abuse stories, too.

I've been bullied and picked on by every single person in my entire life and have been told that I am at fault for being so "weird" but when I say that I need help and want to work on being not "weird" I am told nothing is wrong with me and that I am just making excuses

Every single person ever just defaults to me just "choosing" to be a horribe person intentionally, and when I try to speak about how people treat me, how they treat each other, or my struggles with mental health, any of it, "no way it can be that bad" and "cognitive distortion" and "well if you act like that you're asking to be mistreated" I act like this because I have a mental illness that N O B O D Y will allow me the benefit of a doubt that I might have.

When I finally got the freedom to seek mental help, myself, my first therapist told everything I told her to one of my friends, her son. The psychiatrist was okay but she over-prescribed me Lexapro.

My next therapist? Derailed the conversation every. Single. Appointment. I ever had with her. Turned everything into a political debate. Psychiatrist told me that if I said literally anything to him other than "yes" or "no" that "he will end the appointment right then and there".

I had one good therapist and one good psychiatrist that tried to take me seriously but the therapist retired on me and then my insurance changed, anyway.

and then I ended up with a therapist that just wouldn't hear anything I had to say, never believed anything I said, and a psychiatrist that yelled at me for daring to suggest that I might have be neurotypical with executive dysfunction.

If these things happened to literally anybody else, somebody would have loved them enough to put a stop to it. But me? I deserve everything that happens to me and I was born untrustworthy.

I don't actually want to ctb... but sometimes I think about how there might be a chance I could reincarnate into somebody who deserves love and friendship. It genuinely feels like my only hope at this point.

 

[endlesstranquility]

I was sexually/physically/emotionally abused and neglected as a child

These are normal in competitive environments. I am grateful that you mentioned the multi-faceted nature of your abuse - I was just talking about these with the owner of my late Cat, and I actually brainstormed a few ideas to help expressing the things happened to my Cat - what I was able to come up with were:

• physical (especially!)
• mentally
• emotionally
• spiritually
• romantically
• AND legally (more on this later!)

Just listing these as part of a normal discussion, was more taxing than anything. Sometimes listing the abuse can be more brutal than living it through, because living it is a short time, but everytime you have witnessed something, it becomes a part of you. I have seen people getting hit by trains (we have a lot of trains in our small, poor Town), and poor people are sociologically more suspectible to falling victims to a crime, especially VIOLENT crime!