30+ peer support thread.

[U. A.]

Crunchy old fuck reporting in.

 

[kouna]

42 here. My bday is in 2 weeks.
Up to 39 my life was pretty good, but being betrayed and robbed by my business partner has turned my life a mess. The legal system can't really help with things either.
Most of it is my fault for not being cautious and blindly trusting him.
The past 3 months saw me losing my job, my wife and returning to my parents' house since living alone in my house (I'm a homeowner) was torture. I'll rent the house, which will help financially, however I'm totally anedonic, nothing gives me pleasure anymore, not sports, not alcohol and drugs and I've totally lost my will to work. I'm starting a new job with the beginning of the year but I couldn't care less. I want my divorce to end quickly and then it's CTB time.

 

[Xiaojiu]

This thread will always be active as long as there is at least one person posting. : )

Thank you for sharing! I'm sorry about your situation. You have wonderful preferences! I also love nature, mountains and forests. I started drinking tea recently. I love that as well. : )

Thank you! How do you enjoy nature? And what tea do you like to drink?
And what are your preferences for coping/distractions?

I can't hike anymore, so my husband drives me to the mountains and forests to cheer me up. I used to be a hiker and mountain climber, so dealing with the physical issues that have continued to worsen is heartbreaking and soul crushing for me.

 

[2minutes2ctb]

How do people go through their 30's ? Like seriously ? Life wasn't too bad until 30 but then… I'm sorry, I guess I was just not ready for this enormous pile of sh!t called life.

 

[bwonto]

43 here and a lot of these stories resonate with me. Thanks to all for sharing them.

 

[Bruce]

Maybe. There's certainly cowardice when it comes to actually hanging myself. So another day happens

I wouldn't say it's cowardice. It takes a lot of courage (and some desperation as well) to take this (hopefully) last step. You have to be 100%. Maybe you're not 100%, yet. Maybe you will be one day. But right now you are here, talking about this step. How many people can say that they merely think about it? They are so afraid to even acknowledge us, to talk about any problem, to talk about anything relating to death. Now THAT is fear my friend. You don't have that. Maybe the absence of fear is courage!?

Thank you! How do you enjoy nature? And what tea do you like to drink?
And what are your preferences for coping/distractions?

I can't hike anymore, so my husband drives me to the mountains and forests to cheer me up. I used to be a hiker and mountain climber, so dealing with the physical issues that have continued to worsen is heartbreaking and soul crushing for me.

I like to walk on the beach. There is also where I do sports. I cycle as often as I can. I like to move. When it's warm enough. When it's warm enough I also go hiking with a friend. Not too often because I don't have much money and because I'm sad. I love it when I'm in the forest. It's quiet and the air is clean. We usually spend around a week there. We sleep in hammocks. : )

I haven't decided on my favorite tea yet. I bought around eight different types and I drink a little bit from each every now and then. It feels really nice drinking tea (any tea with a little bit of honey) and reading books. At some point I lived in the countryside and I was doing that near a fireplace. That was bliss!

Alright, I'm going to be honest. There's another reason why I haven't decided on a favorite tea yet. I keep forgetting which I just drank. I have memory problems. Sometimes I even forget how old I am. I do remember my name and my date of birth though. : )

What is your favorite tea? Maybe I have it and I'll try it next and I'll tell you how much I love it.

The only way for me to cope is to either move away (like go on the beach or in the mountains) where are far less distractions or put headphones (with ANC) on and play a game or read a book. I have this thing where I can really immerse myself in these experiences. When I play a story-based game or when I'm reading a book I feel like I'm there. For me characters can be friends, people with hopes and dreams. I'm happy when they're happy, sometimes I cry when they go suffer or when they die.

How do you do it? How do you cope?

Well, I'm happy you have someone who offers support to you. I'm alone. Sometimes it's.. devastating. It's really nice that he helps.

If I may I'll make a suggestion: Try to look on the bright side, you can still SEE the forests, you can still SMELL the aromas there, you can still HEAR the birds singing, the trees and their leafs moving in the wind. I know it's not the same but it's still something. Think about what you lost, it makes you the person you are today, but think about what you still have as well. It won't make everything perfect but maybe it will help a little.

edit: I just made this. ^_^

 

[InevitableDeath]

Fill your pockets with hard candies and strap on your orthopedic shoes everyone.

for the literary suicidal drowning?

They get a long, long lecture about how things (music, comedy, books, films had plots etc etc etc) were better in our day. And they don't get offered any Werther's/Walter's.

Or cognac. Or mdma.

I'm always a little bit wary of exactly what I say when I don't know roughly how old someone is. I don't want to dump too much of life on a teenager that is just getting started with life or assume a level of life-experience that isn't there yet. And depression/suicidality just is a different thing at different life stages.

I hear that, but they're on a suicide forum. In the suicide discussion bit.

Its fair to be wary everywhere else, but this is the one place where you should be completely honest, no holds barred.

It might teach them something. And, I suspect, they are far more armoured up against darkness than most old people (who hadn't been abused or whatever) were.

Most young people today seem a lot more emotionally intelligent. And some are even more idealistic and politicially activist. While the hypercapitalist world of lies and illusions goes all to hell, partly because some of us allowed that to happen.

Damn, you're all getting so old. It smells like bengay and a midlife crisis in here.
I guess that means it's time to party.

ah, midlife crisis. Those were the days. Fucking wild.

Three day benders only now.

ha ha ha i can post here now
fuck everyone thats tried to help
you don't have to live my life. i do. fuck you
i dont want to be here you bastards
waiting for a rainy day to catch the train. less friction
will report back my exp. i think 10/10 would reccomend
much better than paying some retard for shit poison like sn
free death available to all.

This is the best post on this thread by miles. Being as here isn't fucking facebook.

 

[HawkTalon]

Hello, all

I'm 37. I might make an introduction-type post speaking of my reasons for being here or at least something like that when I have a bit more time, but it's nice to see that there are older people, especially some around my own age. I say nice, but it's unfortunate that anybody is here at all.

 

[bitterToad]

Anybody here I can talk to privately about what's going on?

 

[Dot]

Anybody here I can talk to privately about what's going on?

Am arnd if u cn toler8 slf typng

Np if nt tho - wll nt tke persnlly or n.ethng

 

[Zaphkiel]

38
spent all christmas and new year alone. Again. been this way since i left home at 19, and the only time i didnt was during my married life (8y total) wich ended 3y ago
no friends
I have a somewhat good job, my own place (4rooms) and a cat.
I am an indoor type.
I crave somehow interaction with people but i hate socializing and the constant demands that come with it.
I'm a paradox
I have such a place because we bought it just before my ex wife left me
and considering the interest rate that went super up, if we sold it, we would have lost money and still be in debt.
I'm not regratting my wife anymore
last year i met a girl, she was married with 2 kids.
She was fed up with her marriage.
We talked a lot for months, before metting up. Those meeting lasted from july to december
It was the first time of my entire life that i felt a real connexion with someone.
We could finish our sentences, were liking everything the same, wera always planning the same things etc.
Remember what i told about how making stuff with people was agonizing? Not with her. She would say "lets go there" i would be all ok and just enjoy the place, and the moment
In the end, she felt guilty and chose to stay with her husband (relation still dead to this day) for the wellbeing of her children
And now with the time and the constant sollicitation f her family, her sentiment for me dwindled down

I understand everything, i'm just saying that - no bias - we were connected so much, we were like clone of ech other and i know that i wont meet someone like that again in my lifetime, and even if i do, tough luck developping romantic feeling

December went well and avter christmas + new year it did hit how lonely i am and that my life really give me nothing to look forward. Nothing give me joy and i have no impulse to do anything.
I moved from town to town after escaping from my home at 19, never made any meaningful connexions either and here i am, at the other end of the country, alone.
I work.
I go home.
I dunno what to do so i rot on my computer. Watching a movie is too exhausting. Playing video games is no more joy

I feelguilty to all the people here. I am well off in life but i'm still inap socially and i feel that my desire to end it all is childish compared to you all.

Reading @Bruce make me even more fll of shame. Despie being here he does cool thing but even if the beach was in front of my door i wouldnt even go. i'm dumb as fuck and too dependant of my computer screen. The rest feels impossible

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

They're not kids. My youngest brother is 27. But I feel bad about saddling them with my suicide. I feel like it's a weight they'll always carry. Is anyone else struggling with this?

 

[ConfusedClouds]

Yea, I defo struggle with trying to moan/offload to pretty much anyone. I am very functional a lot of the time. But can suddenly switch and tantrum and go all over the place. But all I see with others is their own genuine (more meaningful) life burdens and struggles and just see mine as so tiny and irrelevant. Mostly getting into spirals about how/what to say and ruminating/regretting any attempts. Just causes/d so much upset and misunderstanding. So I learnt to not try. Socially isolate. Keep it to myself. I even mess up putting words together for therapist due to the such limited time in session.

 

[Bruce]

@Zaphkiel I went through similar situations. I was alone for most of the time. I had my first and only partner at 37. We were together for three years. Until she got bored with me. It was the last drop.

I was always alone because I looked at other people, I observed, I realized that everything is fake and I wanted nothing of that. I knew that if I will try it in the end it will destroy me. But I wanted to see how it is, I foolishly hoped that no, it will not happen to me. I was wrong.

A few years after my partner left me I tried chatting with a girl. She seemed perfect! She spoke all the right words. Until she stopped. She didn't even say why she stopped. But I found out. She started the next game before she ended the one she was playing with me. Since then I'm not getting close to anyone anymore.

The thing is they play with you, with your feelings. If they do it with each other it's fine because they don't feel. They just move in and out of relationships, playing this game based on transactions, the financial kind. But some of us feel. Where there's a heart it hurts.

I don't think that girl ever liked you, I think she was just playing. I mean she left you to go back to a marriage which she was fed up with!? when you two were getting alone so well? For the well-being of her children? So living a sad life, living a lie is the lesson that she wants to teach her children? No way!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for what you have been through. I'm sorry that it didn't work with your wife, I'm sorry that it didn't work with the other girl. I'm sorry that you're alone.

But you should not be ashamed! You should not feel guilty! Many around here are in similar situations.

You're not dumb, or maybe you are? I don't know. But you know what? Either way it doesn't matter! Being smart or being dumb does not matter! The society taught us that being dumb is bad and being smart is good. Bullshit! Do you know what matters? Being a good person, an honest person. That matters! And this you are!

I know how you feel. It's overwhelming! It's overwhelming for me too. Sometimes I give in. I have not left home since the last warm day which was about two weeks ago (except twice to do shopping. I have to eat). I keep myself clean, I keep the house clean, I read books and I play games. For now this is all I can do. I wish I could go outside to do sports and to enjoy the nature. This somehow recharges me. But it's too cold! So I give in.

So you see it's not easy for me just as it's not easy for you. It's ok to be like that sometimes. It's ok to rest for a while. It's also ok to rest for an eternity if that's how you feel.

But if you choose to not rest at some point then maybe there are things which could give you some joy. Though it's difficult to find these things sometimes. Maybe letting go of bad things from the past might help as well. Or at least not keep them so close to your heart. If maybe you could stop holding so tight onto these things, then maybe you could get some breathing room to try other things or to feel the present.

I don't know, I'm trying, I wish I could help more but I guess I'm not too smart either.

 

[Zaphkiel]

I don't think that girl ever liked you, I think she was just playing. I mean she left you to go back to a marriage which she was fed up with!? when you two were getting alone so well? For the well-being of her children? So living a sad life, living a lie is the lesson that she wants to teach her children? No way!

As a matter of fact she did. She even talked divorce etc with me. But she is affraid of any heavy administrative tasks and still wanted the children to be with their dad in the end.
Also the situation was too hard for her to cope with having such a double life so she chose to leave a second chance to the man she lived 18y with already

Anyway.
What drive you to live? Do you plan to ctb? Like me you're all alone, playing game, reading a bit, and tidying the house. I work on work days and go back home in an endless cycle. WHats is there to have?

 

[Bruce]

@Zaphkiel Yes! I plan to CTB. All arrangements are made, I'm just waiting for the right time. I hope I'll have the courage to do it when I get there.

As for the drive? There isn't much drive left. I'm just trying to suffer less. You see, when people give up they start going downhill and once that happends it's very hard to stop. I'm trying not to give up. This is why I try to do things that I enjoy. I don't enjoy them as I used to but there's still something there. Take sports for example: My body is weak so if I stop exercising I will feel very bad. I'm trying to prevent that. Sometimes it is very very difficult. These days when it's so cold outside I cannot go out and practice so each missed opportunity makes the next training harder. Today I barely did it. It's physical and psychological.

Gaming and books are ok if you find the right ones. Sometimes they can be truly awesome. These days I'm reading The First Law series by Joe Abercrombie. It is so good!

Of course doing all these things alone, not being able to share them with someone else makes me sad. But who to share them with!? Most people don't have the minium intelligence to understand and appreaciate these things. And it's getting worse every year. I can't talk about anything with anyone.

There isn't much to have. Even what there is it is slowly being killed. If the next war starts..

Maybe if you're far far away on some random Pacific Island you might be spared of all this.

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

Vent incoming

I fucked EVERYTHING up. I am 36 with NOTHING, no education, career, social life. When I left for college I had everything going for me and personality/psychological problems took it all. I'm not an unhappy guy with a job and house posting here. I'm approaching middle age and still a CHILD. I let all the opportunities pass me right by. I don't WANT suicide, I NEED it, it's REQUIRED at this point.

 

[HawkTalon]

[...]

I'm kind of new, so forgive me if you've already explained, but what happened that your life went the way it did? What opportunities might they have been that you let pass by? Your little subtitle thing says "Too many regrets," and I sure know what that's like. Maybe like me, you also made regrettable decisions around the same time even.

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

I'm kind of new, so forgive me if you've already explained, but what happened that your life went the way it did? What opportunities might they have been that you let pass by? Your little subtitle thing says "Too many regrets," and I sure know what that's like. Maybe like me, you also made regrettable decisions around the same time even.

Quit college wrestling, dropped out of school the next year, been spinning my wheels for 15 years since. Had some psychotic breaks and said a lot of wild and embarrassing stuff

 

[COP2CON]

COP2CON is old and checking in.....howdy.

 

[Lost Impact]

33.
I think that if this call I'm supposed to do this week doesn't go as planned, I am content on ending it the same day, method doesn't matter anymore I just want to feel pain and make it end. I won't be able to afford to live after that point anyway. I feel calm about it, I've made peace with this week possibly being the final one. I'm not planning to say any goodbyes. I've no one to say goodbye to and the few who seem to care will find better people in their life. No more burdens. My life has been a miserable pile of shit. It was never going to get better even though I held onto the tiniest hope that someday it would.

 

[Zaphkiel]

@Zaphkiel Yes! I plan to CTB. All arrangements are made, I'm just waiting for the right time. I hope I'll have the courage to do it when I get there.

As for the drive? There isn't much drive left. I'm just trying to suffer less. You see, when people give up they start going downhill and once that happends it's very hard to stop. I'm trying not to give up. This is why I try to do things that I enjoy. I don't enjoy them as I used to but there's still something there. Take sports for example: My body is weak so if I stop exercising I will feel very bad. I'm trying to prevent that. Sometimes it is very very difficult. These days when it's so cold outside I cannot go out and practice so each missed opportunity makes the next training harder. Today I barely did it. It's physical and psychological.

Gaming and books are ok if you find the right ones. Sometimes they can be truly awesome. These days I'm reading The First Law series by Joe Abercrombie. It is so good!

Of course doing all these things alone, not being able to share them with someone else makes me sad. But who to share them with!? Most people don't have the minium intelligence to understand and appreaciate these things. And it's getting worse every year. I can't talk about anything with anyone.

There isn't much to have. Even what there is it is slowly being killed. If the next war starts..

Maybe if you're far far away on some random Pacific Island you might be spared of all this.

I see.
I'm so sorry @Bruce
I wanted to do it yesterday.
Everything was on my dining table.
But guilt, SI, and fear of being a fraud (I'm not in a bad situation compared to most here, mostly pure unaldetered loneliness but other than that i'm well off) prevented it to happens
May i ask what would be the "right time" for you? Is it planned or are you waiting for some turn of event?

So i'm back to square one, trying to suffer less like you, but i'm just glued to video games nowadays.
One more day...and one more...
Perhaps i should go back to reading, i liked reading before...
I get you also about how a lot of people sieems to be lobotomized
Every time i try to make some sort of elaborated joke i'm forced to explain it to half of the people that didnt laugh at it. Forget talking about topics like economics or politics.

 

[Bruce]

@Zaphkiel You, what? Oh! That was sudden. I'm sorry it didn't work out for you. You shouldn't feel guilty or a fraud though. Everyone has their reasons. No one should be judged for how they feel, for what they're going through. (As long as they are not hurting anyone.) Certain things affect different people in different ways. It's understandable.

Maybe some people could say that my life is great. But I'm so tired of all the bullshit, the lies, the pretending, the selfishness, the cruelty of humans. It hurts my core too much.

My right time is conditioned by an event. As I previously mentioned everything is set, now I'm just waiting for a certain place to be free. Someone lives there at the moment. It's out of the way. I don't want to do it in a city and burden my mum with publicity. I also want to be lonely, to (hopefully) have peace the day I go.

What are you playing?

If you can read in a quiet place then I suggest you give it a try. The right books, the right stories when experienced in peace are uplifting. Mind you I'm not saying that it will fix everything but maybe you will suffer less?

Maybe you need friends or a girlfriend. I know I do.

 

[Zaphkiel]

Yeah.
Everything was stil on the table this eevening, inclunding my 3 page farewell letter.
I packed them in my hidden cache.
Dont be sorry though, but thank you for being so adorable.
I think i need a certain mood, the lowest of the low to proceed. Time passed and inevitably i'm clonging to false hope.

I am the same as you, some people would probably be envious of my life but like you, i'm tired to pretend to fit in.
I feel much empathy for animals that i think are victims of us, and non for my fellow humans. It's weird.

At the moment i finished Resident Evil 4 remake. Took me one month for a 20h playthru.
I also play helldivers 2, space marine 2 and Darktide with my couple online friends.
IRL i host sometimes a board game meetup but i feel that if i'm not behind every personn, half of them will be missing at least.

SO i know people, we see each other "frequently" at my place or theirs (once every two week on average) to play board game that i rorganize each time, and none of them invited me for the new year. It's beend 3 year that i'm organizing this with an open spot every friday.

So yeah, calling them friends is tough.
I'm still not over the other girl that i talked you about, but weirdly enough i matched with another one frerquently. She is kind but is hypersensible (idk how it's called in english) and very, very needy while i'm still recuperating and managing my depression. She is always talking and is the kinf to send 3 billions heart per message and i think it will soon be too much for me to handle.
Having a GF would be nice, but it must be a boon, not a weight, and this time, with my mood, i'm not so sure.

 

[Bruce]

@Zaphkiel Apologies for the late reply. I'm incredibly slow lately.

Three pages? Wow? Some people can't write one sentence. I could write pages but.. I don't see the point. They will ignore my words.

You don't need to be in a mood, you need to have conviction. If you're in a mood, you might not see things clearly and you might make mistakes. If you have conviction, you're focused, this would make the chance of success higher.

Awww man! The animals! I keep thinking about them too. No one else seems to. And why should they? Humans are divine, humans are holy so they can do whatever they want to. No matter what they do, because they are humans, because they are divine, because they are holy their lives are important, their lives are miracles (deaths are always tragedies) and they are always right. Their word is "natural" law and everything and anything else is beneath. Why should they notice animals!? Animals are not humans, so they are not divine, they are not holy so they deserve to be used, to be enslaved and hurt and killed, all of these sometimes applied at the same time. No matter what happens to them it is completely unimportant. Animals don't feel. .. Random beings hurt simply because they are different. Geee I wonder where I saw that before!?

Yeah! It's definitely weird! You feel empathy for the weak, for the defenseless and the innocent but not for pure evil!? What is wrong with you?

I'm also very very slow at finishing games. Sometimes it's nice because I get to enjoy those beautiful worlds for longer. But sometimes it's a bit sad because there are other games, so much art and so many beautiful stories that I know I'm missing. I think I will die before experiencing them all. : (

EVE Online at the moment, No Man's Sky sometimes, but going back to Pillars of Eternity 1 soon.

Hmm.. Maybe unmatch with her. Three billion hearts per message? Hypersensitive? (This is what you meant. Thank you Spell Check!) She is random man. She has no idea what she wants, she has no idea what she's doing. She will play with you, she will kick you like a football ball all the while having no idea that she's causing pain. She will have no idea because she cannot process, because she cannot understand pain, because she never went through something like that.

You don't need a boon, you need a (girl) friend. You need someone who understands what you're going through (BECAUSE she went through something similar as well). You need someone who honest. You need someone who can listen. Someone who you will do the same things for. .. Good luck finding someone like that in this paradise.

I spent new year's alone. I read a bit from the First Law, then at around 23:00 I put my earplugs on and I went to sleep. Slept like a baby. Woke up to peace. It only happens once a year, on January 1st. Anyway I'd rather be alone then with these people. I'm sorry about you though.

 

[witchbimbo]

Vent incoming

I fucked EVERYTHING up. I am 36 with NOTHING, no education, career, social life. When I left for college I had everything going for me and personality/psychological problems took it all. I'm not an unhappy guy with a job and house posting here. I'm approaching middle age and still a CHILD. I let all the opportunities pass me right by. I don't WANT suicide, I NEED it, it's REQUIRED at this point.

I relate so hard to most of what you're saying (aside from having things going for me at any point ot not being unhappy). Same age too.

I'm only still trying because I happened to find some local resources I hadn't tried yet. Now I feel obligated not to CTB while these people have been working so hard to make sure I'm not literally on the street but once I have to work I know my health will start going downhill again...and then what?

Also funding for these programs is not guaranteed anymore so who knows how long I'll even have this support.

For me, it all stems from a messed up childhood complete with abuse, neglect, and teenage misdiagnosis (and who knows what being on the completely wrong meds did to me). Maybe with a decent family and adults that saw my struggles as actual issues instead of some choice I was making to iedk what... maybe then I'd've had a chance at functioning but now? Even with support from disability advocates that help people like me start working, I just doubt I can even handle it.