You think you're not dealing with loneliness until reality hits you

[PI3.14]

I've dealt with loneliness my whole life. I thought that I'm passed the point of yearning for companionship, affection, and love...etc.

However, and as I'm getting very close to my CTB day, reality started to hit me hard.

I'll in fact be gone from this world without having felt what love is, what affection is, what do romance is.

I guess I just kept lying to myself in order not to feel sad or depressed more than I already am.

I guess some things aren't really meant to happen. Some have it all, most have a mix, and then there is those who get none.

You look back at your life unable to understand why things went horribly wrong. You begin to understand though that most things are outside of your control, asking why becomes meaningless.

You finally reach a point, you either choose the cope or the rope. There is not necessarily a correct choice here, it's at the end an individualistic choice.

My only relief comes from me knowing that I'll die relatively soon, I cannot keep going, I really can't.

Living with a plethora of mental disorders, a shattered life, loneliness, and few other things, is exhausting. It's eroding, it eats you alive until you don't know who you are anymore.

The painful truth is that no matter the pain you are experiencing, no one is coming to save you. What's even more painful, is that you yourself are too broken to save yourself. Thus, you end up suffering alone until death naturally claims you or you choose to walk into it yourself.

Sorry if my post has triggered sadness in you guys, I just needed to vent a bit.

 

[Dante_]

You begin to understand though that most things are outside of your control, asking why becomes meaningless.

I can relate a lot to this, i think anyone whose honest enough to look at things does too and the reality of how restrictive things are just hurt the most. Wishing you well Pi, it isnt easy to come to terms with that.

 

[MyShadow]

I feel all of this.

I go to sleep and wake up alone because everyone who I cared about is either gone or simply walked away. Loneliness and knowing that things will never get better are what make CTB the best option for me.

 

[Dejected 55]

That is already me... As I get closer, it starts to become a little more real, and the loneliness hurts a bit more. I even had a dream last night about someone I haven't dreamed of in a while... and I woke up missing her more than ever.

 

[RosebyAnyName]

Everything you said is true, sorry you're going through this. If you're constantly reminded of how lonely you are, it drives you crazy. Then, you either cope bv getting really good at learning how to forget, or the pain becomes unbearable.

 

[cvury]

I love people who commit suicide due to relationship issues, at least you experienced love, meanwhile i will die a lonely virgin without ever having a girlfriend.