Discussion You aren’t owed forgiveness, regardless of how old you were or your trauma

[amerie]

I hate how whenever people disclose their anger for a traumatic event and the people who abused them they're told to forgive to remove the anger from the heart, I'm sorry but the only people who say this def have shit they're guilty for and don't care about the people they hurt but want to save themselves.

Purposefully reminding someone about how little value they have whether it be verbal or physical isn't a mistake, it's a calculated act of violence. No matter what age it happened at.

And this might sound controversial but this also applies to COCSA, I'm a victim of this and although I forgive my perpetrator no one is obligated to forgive theirs, their abuse caused them pain and they did it to someone else.

 

[Crimson Red]

Forgiveness shouldn't be expected, I agree. I was both hurt and hurt others, with this I can tell you that it takes a great amount of courage to admit your faults and do right by the people you have wronged. Even then some will never forgive, and you have to live with that. If you just expect to be forgiven for shit you have done that is ridiculously egotistical. The harm you caused is permanent and you inflicted it onto someone who didn't deserve it because you didn't have your shit together.

What also rubs me the wrong way is the fact that even if they try to do good by you, they often leave out working on themselves and preventing this from happening to others. When I changed, this was my personally most important task as how can you forgive an abuser when they can turn around and attack someone else while pretending to be someone else in your face.

 

[TAW122]

I agree with you, I think there has been too much of the "forgive and (forget or) move on" kind of mentality in society. It isn't just the religious people who preach such sentiments, although it does stem from religion itself. The secular masses also adopt similar sentiments as well and it seems really dismissive, reductive, and even insulting to the person who suffered from trauma or abuse of any kind.

 

[WitheredHeights]

I agree with the premise that I will neither forgive nor forget the actions against me, but I do not hate the person themselves for it. I merely pity them for being broken enough to consider afflicting themselves on others in that manner.

 

[Opera]

I always grew up to forgive others, but I will never forgive the person who S.A. me. I hate how parents dismiss how they were actually abusive and pretend it never happened. My mother was the only person who sort of apologized and while I didn't fully accept her apology, it was the only apology I got. I just wish they would acknowledge the harm they did to me.

 

[amerie]

I always grew up to forgive others, but I will never forgive the person who S.A. me. I hate how parents dismiss how they were actually abusive and pretend it never happened. My mother was the only person who sort of apologized and while I didn't fully accept her apology, it was the only apology I got. I just wish they would acknowledge the harm they did to me.

If there is a hell I hope every abusive person rots in it

 

[YandereMikuMistress]

If there is a hell I hope every abusive person rots in it

Same

 

[Forever Sleep]

Definitely. It's totally up to the victim whether they want to try to forgive. It shouldn't be expected of them. Certainly not by the perpetraitor. They were the one who were wronged and only they know how much it affected it them and how they want to go about dealing with it.

More than that I would say: It would be nice if the benefits of being able to forgive and let go were felt more by the victim. Unless the perpetraitor is utterly overcome with remorse, it seems likely the victim has more healing to do.

Maybe it's the cynic in me but, I'm not certain it's even 'safe' to forgive some people. Depends on what they did, how much they've changed, whether they have in fact changed. Someone who continually forgives their partner for abusing them is likely to keep getting abused! If their partner doesn't truly change. I defininitely think people should avoid forgetting- even if they can forgive. It's surely sensible to remember what attrocities a person is capable of. That's just self protection- surely?