secretariat
Member
- Mar 2, 2024
- 38
its been a while since i posted but ive been lurking too much lately lol
so, things have gotten worse
last couple months have truly been some of the hardest. everything feels unfair and terrible ive been so so tired i think im genuinely losing it. "it" being my grip on reality and literally anything good in my life. things are going wrong and i cant control it i dont know what else to do. im angry at the world but i hate myself more than ive ever hated anything right now. i try so hard not to think nowadays but all i do is think and think and feel and fucking feel im so miserable. i cant do anything i just end up spacing out for hours or crying.
anyways, been thinking about ending it all again. i still have the SN i purchased early last year. not sure if its pure to begin with although it came from a pretty trusted source and i definitely have not been storing it right. might just take the leap of faith and take it someday with a little bit of fasting beforehand and nothing else. might post an update if i decide to do that.
maybe ill look into KN but i dont have enough privacy to order it and im just too exhausted to go a different route and look for sources but would definitely appreciate it if anyone wants to give any insight (feel free to pm me!)
i just hate falling asleep knowing i have to wake up again. i hate that i cant even imagine my death bringing me peace because my physical body will be there and its the most disgusting thing in the world and i cant have anyone perceiving me at all. i hate the way every single thing in my body feels and i feel everything so clearly. i hate being in it i want to disintegrate into thin air along with anything ive ever touched. if i do die, ill have to remind myself to delete all my accounts and data and throw everything away beforehand so nothing else will be left of me. it hurts so much
even though its just vague, discombobulated thoughts spilling out, i really needed to vent right now so if anyone read all that, thank you.
i should sleep now. i hope i dont wake up
so, things have gotten worse
last couple months have truly been some of the hardest. everything feels unfair and terrible ive been so so tired i think im genuinely losing it. "it" being my grip on reality and literally anything good in my life. things are going wrong and i cant control it i dont know what else to do. im angry at the world but i hate myself more than ive ever hated anything right now. i try so hard not to think nowadays but all i do is think and think and feel and fucking feel im so miserable. i cant do anything i just end up spacing out for hours or crying.
anyways, been thinking about ending it all again. i still have the SN i purchased early last year. not sure if its pure to begin with although it came from a pretty trusted source and i definitely have not been storing it right. might just take the leap of faith and take it someday with a little bit of fasting beforehand and nothing else. might post an update if i decide to do that.
maybe ill look into KN but i dont have enough privacy to order it and im just too exhausted to go a different route and look for sources but would definitely appreciate it if anyone wants to give any insight (feel free to pm me!)
i just hate falling asleep knowing i have to wake up again. i hate that i cant even imagine my death bringing me peace because my physical body will be there and its the most disgusting thing in the world and i cant have anyone perceiving me at all. i hate the way every single thing in my body feels and i feel everything so clearly. i hate being in it i want to disintegrate into thin air along with anything ive ever touched. if i do die, ill have to remind myself to delete all my accounts and data and throw everything away beforehand so nothing else will be left of me. it hurts so much
even though its just vague, discombobulated thoughts spilling out, i really needed to vent right now so if anyone read all that, thank you.
i should sleep now. i hope i dont wake up
