3FailedAttemptss
trans girl (｀・ω・´)
- Jan 22, 2025
- 283
today was my 2 month anniversary with my boyfriend and i came home feeling like i just want to kill myself and quit while i'm ahead.
the day itself was actually nice. we got ramen together, walked around for hours, talked about random things, upcoming events, people in our lives, and future plans. for a while it felt like a normal anniversary. then the conversation got heavy. a lot of what we talked about was my mental health and the situation with my SN. he told me how much stress it has been causing him and i immediately started apologizing because i feel like i put him in that position. he said it wasn't entirely my fault, but i couldn't stop feeling responsible. if you trace back the chain of events far enough, it feels like everything leads back to me. the hardest part was hearing him talk about being afraid of becoming my only tether to life. this has been one of his biggest concerns for a long time. he brought up previous relationships where he felt pressured to hold someone together and how badly that affected him. he told me more than once that this wasn't him breaking up with me and that he loves me, but that somehow almost made it hurt more because i could tell how worried he was. he even told me that his mother had warned him about the possibility that i might kill myself if he left. hearing that made me feel sick. because the horrible truth is that i don't know if she's wrong. when he asked me directly if i would ctb if we broke up, i couldn't give him an answer. i'm impulsive and i genuinely don't know. i know that's terrifying to hear. i know that's an unfair thing for another person to carry. i know he's only 18 years old and i'm sorry that someone who loves me has to worry about things like this at all.
we also talked about people being too unwell for relationships. i pointed at myself and basically asked if i was one of those people. i don't think i had ever seriously considered it before. i've always known i'm mentally ill, but somehow it never occurred to me that i might fit into that category. whether he meant it that way or not, i walked away feeling like i do. the thing that keeps replaying in my head is that none of this came out of nowhere. months ago he told me he didn't want to be my only tether. today he said it again. he wants me to have more people in my life, more support, more connections. logically i know he's right. emotionally all i hear is confirmation that i'm too much.
later in the day things got lighter. we sat in a park, drank a little, talked about treatment, our lives, stupid things online, and for a while i actually felt okay. i told him that i've genuinely gotten better over the past few months, which is true. i have clinicians. i have treatment teams. objectively i have more support than i used to. he acknowledged that too.
but now i'm home and all i can think about is how much pressure i put on the people around me. i keep thinking about how much guilt i feel for making someone i love carry fears like this. i keep wondering if i'm the exact kind of person people warn others about. i keep
wondering if everyone would be better off if i just quit while i'm ahead before i hurt anyone else. i don't know. maybe i'm catastrophizing. maybe i'm taking a conversation about boundaries and turning it into proof that i'm fundamentally broken. but right now i feel ashamed, guilty, scared, and exhausted.
i WILL kill myself when he leaves which is exactly what hes worried about but also like it makes me want to kill myself now while we're still together so i can quit while im ahead and avoid an uncomfortable situation and also i feel like it makes things easier for my bf since he might not feel the guilt of being "responsible" for my suicide if i kill myself whike we're together…
has anyone else ever been in a situation where someone they loved was afraid of becoming their only reason to stay alive? what did you do? how do you stop feeling like a burden when the people around you are clearly worried about you? im just scared of losing him, if i do i know it'll end with my neck on the tracks
the day itself was actually nice. we got ramen together, walked around for hours, talked about random things, upcoming events, people in our lives, and future plans. for a while it felt like a normal anniversary. then the conversation got heavy. a lot of what we talked about was my mental health and the situation with my SN. he told me how much stress it has been causing him and i immediately started apologizing because i feel like i put him in that position. he said it wasn't entirely my fault, but i couldn't stop feeling responsible. if you trace back the chain of events far enough, it feels like everything leads back to me. the hardest part was hearing him talk about being afraid of becoming my only tether to life. this has been one of his biggest concerns for a long time. he brought up previous relationships where he felt pressured to hold someone together and how badly that affected him. he told me more than once that this wasn't him breaking up with me and that he loves me, but that somehow almost made it hurt more because i could tell how worried he was. he even told me that his mother had warned him about the possibility that i might kill myself if he left. hearing that made me feel sick. because the horrible truth is that i don't know if she's wrong. when he asked me directly if i would ctb if we broke up, i couldn't give him an answer. i'm impulsive and i genuinely don't know. i know that's terrifying to hear. i know that's an unfair thing for another person to carry. i know he's only 18 years old and i'm sorry that someone who loves me has to worry about things like this at all.
we also talked about people being too unwell for relationships. i pointed at myself and basically asked if i was one of those people. i don't think i had ever seriously considered it before. i've always known i'm mentally ill, but somehow it never occurred to me that i might fit into that category. whether he meant it that way or not, i walked away feeling like i do. the thing that keeps replaying in my head is that none of this came out of nowhere. months ago he told me he didn't want to be my only tether. today he said it again. he wants me to have more people in my life, more support, more connections. logically i know he's right. emotionally all i hear is confirmation that i'm too much.
later in the day things got lighter. we sat in a park, drank a little, talked about treatment, our lives, stupid things online, and for a while i actually felt okay. i told him that i've genuinely gotten better over the past few months, which is true. i have clinicians. i have treatment teams. objectively i have more support than i used to. he acknowledged that too.
but now i'm home and all i can think about is how much pressure i put on the people around me. i keep thinking about how much guilt i feel for making someone i love carry fears like this. i keep wondering if i'm the exact kind of person people warn others about. i keep
wondering if everyone would be better off if i just quit while i'm ahead before i hurt anyone else. i don't know. maybe i'm catastrophizing. maybe i'm taking a conversation about boundaries and turning it into proof that i'm fundamentally broken. but right now i feel ashamed, guilty, scared, and exhausted.
i WILL kill myself when he leaves which is exactly what hes worried about but also like it makes me want to kill myself now while we're still together so i can quit while im ahead and avoid an uncomfortable situation and also i feel like it makes things easier for my bf since he might not feel the guilt of being "responsible" for my suicide if i kill myself whike we're together…
has anyone else ever been in a situation where someone they loved was afraid of becoming their only reason to stay alive? what did you do? how do you stop feeling like a burden when the people around you are clearly worried about you? im just scared of losing him, if i do i know it'll end with my neck on the tracks
