would you ctb at home if you thought you wouldn't be found?

[eggsausagerice]

i'm thinking about dying inside of my closet again because i'm thinking about doing it in a different room in the house, or doing it inside of the garage at 4 am. i figure it might be safer (lol) to ctb in the forest, since i already bought a lantern and a blanket to lie on top of. i'm thinking about scoping out the park bathroom in the rec center near my house, since i haven't checked if the gate stays locked after hours. i wish i had more time to scope out park restrooms, but i can't drive so it'd be too much effort. for sn i need to go kind of deep into the woods so that i'm not found as easily.

location's always been my biggest hangup, but if i do it in the wrong place then it'll all be for nothing. i figure that i'll be a burden no matter where i die, but i'll be a bigger burden if i choose to do it at home to avoid being in the woods.

 

[NotSoEnchanted]

Location is also my biggest hang up as of late. I don't want to go too far out in nature to where I'll greatly inconvenience first responders, but I also need to be far enough away from it all to give the SN plenty of time to take effect. I know which mesa I plan to die on, I just haven't decided how far out on it to go. I'm also concerned about a flight for life helicopter, so I need to do it on a day that's windy. That won't be too much of an issue though, as spring in the SW is windy as fuck.

And to answer your question, no. For a couple reasons, that being I don't want my dog to eat my SN riddled puke and also die (gross I know, but it's a real concern) and I don't want to stress him out with first responders entering our home and dealing with my body. I also need to send my note out to family prior to taking the SN, as it lets them know my dog needs to get picked up asap. For all these reasons, away from home is best.

I hope you're able to find and decide on a place that brings you comfort and feels good. I know this is something you feel conflicted about, and that you also desired to CTB in a hotel but that's unfortunately not an option. It's hard to walk the line between your own comfort in your last moments, and the comfort of others

 

[cakedog]

if you ctb at home i don't think it's possible to not be found unless you live alone but even then your landlord, neighbors or family may check on you
in my opinion you should ctb in a place where you feel comfortable
the only downside i see to ctb at home may be traumatizing your family or the possibility of being disrupted and "saved"

but you're likely going to traumatize them anyways they're inevitably going to panic and get anxious if they haven't heard about you in hours
they're going to identify your corpse you're likely going to have a funeral
i don't know very well your situation but even if you go to the woods with the idea of not being found unless you go very and i mean VERY deep into the forest you're going to be found

cell towers may even pinpoint the last radius where your phone was active and i guess research teams and probably other stuff or some weird nature patterns (vultures and other scavengers, footsteps, etc)
sorry for all this gross talk btw but what i'm trying to say is that traumatizing them is basically guaranteed and unavoidable
i think you should have some comfortable last moments and unless they're checking on you 24/7 (virtually impossible) you can always do it very late at night

 

[eggsausagerice]

if you ctb at home i don't think it's possible to not be found unless you live alone but even then your landlord, neighbors or family may check on you
i don't know very well your situation but even if you go to the woods with the idea of not being found unless you go very and i mean VERY deep into the forest you're going to be found
cell towers may even pinpoint the last radius where your phone was active and i guess research teams and probably other stuff or some weird nature patterns (vultures and other scavengers, footsteps, etc)
sorry for all this gross talk btw but what i'm trying to say is that traumatizing them is basically guaranteed and unavoidable

i mostly meant "wouldn't be found" as in not be found mid attempt, but i appreciate your comment still. i know i'll always be found no matter where i do it, i just don't want to bother anyone too much by dying somewhere that a person might find inconvenient. i can see how you could get it mixed up lol.

I don't want to go too far out in nature to where I'll greatly inconvenience first responders, but I also need to be far enough away from it all to give the SN plenty of time to take effect. I know which mesa I plan to die on, I just haven't decided how far out on it to go. I'm also concerned about a flight for life helicopter, so I need to do it on a day that's windy. That won't be too much of an issue though, as spring in the SW is windy as fuck.

getting a ride from an emergency helicopter would be totally crazy when someone's trying to kill themselves. i figure you shouldn't go too far out just because of how much of a chore it is to walk far. summer's coming soon and i'm already getting stressed about it. if i'm being honest. i do want to ctb at home. i decided to make this post because my sister said she's moving away and it made me realize i could do it in her room because it's the furthest from my parents room, even if that's kind of messed up. no one in my family is awake at 3-4 am, so i know i can just stay up all night and do it then. i wish things were less complicated. i also know that i'll feel fatigued from the fasting protocol and i get anemic when i'm dehydrated. i figure that there i just need to pick a lesser evil.

 

[Nolongerlive]

I am alone staying in the house and very likely no one will noticed me for a day or two.
That's my plan. Don't tell anyone, ok?

 

[eggsausagerice]

Don't tell anyone, ok?

won't tell nobody

 

[PanaxMan]

i'm thinking about dying inside of my closet again because i'm thinking about doing it in a different room in the house, or doing it inside of the garage at 4 am. i figure it might be safer (lol) to ctb in the forest, since i already bought a lantern and a blanket to lie on top of. i'm thinking about scoping out the park bathroom in the rec center near my house, since i haven't checked if the gate stays locked after hours. i wish i had more time to scope out park restrooms, but i can't drive so it'd be too much effort. for sn i need to go kind of deep into the woods so that i'm not found as easily.

location's always been my biggest hangup, but if i do it in the wrong place then it'll all be for nothing. i figure that i'll be a burden no matter where i die, but i'll be a bigger burden if i choose to do it at home to avoid being in the woods.

Sure if I wasn't homeless

 

[NotSoEnchanted]

getting a ride from an emergency helicopter would be totally crazy when someone's trying to kill themselves. i figure you shouldn't go too far out just because of how much of a chore it is to walk far. summer's coming soon and i'm already getting stressed about it. if i'm being honest. i do want to ctb at home. i decided to make this post because my sister said she's moving away and it made me realize i could do it in her room because it's the furthest from my parents room, even if that's kind of messed up. no one in my family is awake at 3-4 am, so i know i can just stay up all night and do it then. i wish things were less complicated. i also know that i'll feel fatigued from the fasting protocol and i get anemic when i'm dehydrated. i figure that there i just need to pick a lesser evil.

Unfortunately unless the winds are strong enough, this is likely what will happen. It's common practice for the area given the difficulty of the terrain and distance from the hospital. Just last night an injured hiker was flown out from the valley next to mine in a helicopter!

And yes, I don't want to go 2+ hours out into nature, I'm thinking just an hour or so will be good for me. Summer coming up definitely makes things harder since it'll be hot, so I'm planning for May, not long after my dogs birthday. I don't have the patience to wait for antiemetics to arrive from India honestly. I want out of here before June.

You should pick whatever option will make you feel best in your final moments. Like I said it's hard to balance the comfort of yourself in your last moments, and the comfort of others. But they will indeed be your last moments so I do think you should get a bit of priority ya know?

 

[auti]

I've thought about it but it just feels wrong. I imagine it would be quite traumatic for my family. I've had a place picked out for a while that is semi remote, likely enough so that I won't be found.

 

[eggsausagerice]

i'm thinking about dying inside of my closet again because i'm thinking about doing it in a different room in the house, or doing it inside of the garage at 4 am. i figure it might be safer (lol) to ctb in the forest, since i already bought a lantern and a blanket to lie on top of.

i just keep tossing and turning about it. i checked on my sn today. still looks good. i have it in airtight jars. i messaged someone i'm on bad terms with and i ended up feeling worse about myself because it was still clear that he was in a better headspace than me and i was extremely depressed and unemployed. i'm lonely most days because i don't have that many people to text and i'm too lazy and socially anxious to want to maintain friendships outside of my circle. i'm also really close to committing suicide, so i just feel guilty at the thought of being friends with someone when it'll look like i ghosted them. in the back of my mind, i think about texting people i know if they would kill themselves with me, but i know i'll only look insane.

i figure that it'd be better to kill myself in the woods just to have more privacy, but it would be more comfortable to die at home. i'm kind of worried about how long it would take for them to check the second bathroom or the closet, though. i guess i could put a sign on the door to say that i died in there? it's hard to not feel guilty about eventually being found by my family if i do succeed. a lot of people have already chosen to die outside because their method needs to be done outside. hesitating just makes me feel like a coward. i haven't figured out what i want to do at all.

 

[HollowSoul]

I cant do it at home since I live with my parents and the appartment is very small...

for me the ideal scenario is doing it outside on a summer day, far far away

or idk rent a hotel room in another city

 

[thelostautistic]

I would only if I lived alone

 

[Eazy]

Would you prefer not to be alone when you did it, is that why your looking for someone to do it with you? You can probably message people on here (unless you're turning your phone off) but i understand its not the same as having someone right next to you. Also unrelated but i really like your signature, im gonna try to find one to add to my posts lol

 

[perishsong]

Depends on the method. Since I'm planning to CTB via CO, it's impossible. It would be a hazard for pretty much everyone in the apartment complex. If I left a warning on the door, it'd be a surefire way to get "saved". I live very close to the hospital I used to work in, and I wouldn't want former co-workers to see me if I was "saved".

 

[Front Back]

There's a little girl there and chances are she's the first to see me, so no.

 

[eggsausagerice]

Would you prefer not to be alone when you did it, is that why your looking for someone to do it with you?

easier to split the cost of a hotel and have transport for one. if i'm solo it's harder for me to afford a hotel so i either do it at home or uber to the woods because i don't have enough to pay for a single room with a 100 dollar budget. i don't plan on messaging anyone here when i do it because i don't want my phone to be on or to text my real life friends during my attempt. i was looking for a partner on the partner's thread for my own personal convenience, but i've fallen out of touch with everyone i talked to so it just feels like a waste.

 

[BillyBob]

This has always been a thought of mine which is why I will never do it at home so I do not taint the house of my own demise so my parents will not think constantly about the room I died in.

 

[HandsInMyHead]

I will never do it at home so I do not taint the house of my own demise so my parents will not think constantly about the room I died in.

I couldn't agree more. As much as my room is the only place I really feel comfortable, I couldn't hurt my mother like that.
I plan to just catch a (literal) bus to a more rural area, bringing along things like blankets and plushies from my room to bring me some comfort.