Worried about SI with SN

[CantDoIt]

Anyone else planning to ctb with SN worried about SI kicking in in that 10 to 20 minutes before unconsciousness?

Regrets, guilt, negative thoughts, self punishing thoughts, fear of the unknown, etc. I am extremely worried about those final moments. I cannot be truly afraid of what comes after although of course some of my thoughts will go in that direction.

Anyone else?

 

[DuskUntilDawn]

I don't have SN, but what keeps from that path is possible pain and if it doesn't work that can be even worse.
I'd really prefer N. Why must it be so out of reach.

 

[Thisisme373]

Yeah I'm also worried about SI n worried about starting to panic/freak out, like you said those final moments, they really concern me, even with diazepam I feel I'll be too aware of whats going on, also one of my biggest fears is surviving

 

[divinemistress36]

Oh yes

 

[offbalance]

I don't know what to tell you other than being completely sure about what you're doing and focusing on your reasons for doing it. Also benzos. Just recognize SI for what it is I guess

 

[PinballWizard39]

I'm more worried about it kicking in the time between mixing it and drinking it. I know once I've drunk it, as long as it stays down, even if I do call for help, chances of me surviving are slim purely because of where I live and living alone.

 

[chester]

Anyone else?

Tell me about it... The method isn't really important. In my case it was nitrogen, several attempts. I was almost there, I could feel I was beginning to drift away, but with my last effort I took the bag off. I couldn't stand up, I was coughing up blood. I was so angry at myself, because I knew that if I waited probably 5 more seconds, then I'd be done.

Maybe dying with a plastic bag on my head was too much for my psyche to handle. It was as though something was telling me "this can't happen this way, not like this". I had a perfectly good setup, with high probability of success. What do I do instead? I've been swallowing 10 glycyrrhizin pills every morning, hoping that one day my heart will give up, especially that I'd already had very high BP. Trying ti cheat my SI that 'm not atually killing myself, I'm just helping my body die on its own.If it doesn't, I'll probably try to OD on some meds.

You know what's funny? I also have SN at home but somehow I don't like this method either. I find it somehow repulsive, I can't explain why. If I were to choose my death, it would be from my heart gradually getting weaker. Blood pressure and pulse steadily falling, could be for hours, I don't mind, until the heart can no longer take it. That's how the love of my life died. I want to know what it feels like.

By the way, if anyone has any idea how to make my wish come true, please PM me.

 

[Degen]

You could take a benzo, or some other sedative. Better during night time when you're already sleepy.
If SI kicks in don't fight it though, maybe it's best if you do call for help if you don't feel ready

 

[CantDoIt]

I'm more worried about it kicking in the time between mixing it and drinking it. I know once I've drunk it, as long as it stays down, even if I do call for help, chances of me surviving are slim purely because of where I live and living alone.

Oh that is so real. I actually do have somewhere that I can easily call for help and I dislike it. Even if I went to a hotel I could call for help.
But not going through with it and suffering more is also going to be horrible.

You could take a benzo, or some other sedative. Better during night time when you're already sleepy.
If SI kicks in don't fight it though, maybe it's best if you do call for help if you don't feel ready

I'm looking into trying to get Benzos, thanks! I have a psych appointment soon. Hoping that my failures with SSRIs will mean something.

 

[PinballWizard39]

'Oh that is so real. I actually do have somewhere that I can easily call for help and I dislike it. Even if I went to a hotel I could call for help.
But not going through with it and suffering more is also going to be horrible.'
@CantDoIt

The worst part is when you realise you can't bring yourself to do it, no matter how much you want to, and knowing how much you'll hate yourself in the morning when you wake up again.. but then each day you think you will do it, only for the day to wear on and you freak out..
I'm afraid to mix the SN in case I don't drink it because I have a very exact amount because I only intend on doing it once. If I mix it and don't drink it, I've wasted a big amount.

 

[CantDoIt]

'Oh that is so real. I actually do have somewhere that I can easily call for help and I dislike it. Even if I went to a hotel I could call for help.
But not going through with it and suffering more is also going to be horrible.'
@CantDoIt

The worst part is when you realise you can't bring yourself to do it, no matter how much you want to, and knowing how much you'll hate yourself in the morning when you wake up again.. but then each day you think you will do it, only for the day to wear on and you freak out..
I'm afraid to mix the SN in case I don't drink it because I have a very exact amount because I only intend on doing it once. If I mix it and don't drink it, I've wasted a big amount.

Yeah I get you! I don't even have a good place to do it so I plan it I REALLY want to go thru with it.

 

[syde44]

What is SI ?

 

[tone]

What is SI ?

Survival instinct.

 

[syde44]

Survival instinct.

Oh OK, thank you. I think so SI is only when you are still in doubt about your decsion, cause when your life is so terrible, your SI turn off cause CTB become the only way to find liberty

 

[pedrbel8805]

I watched a CTB stream with SN, and although the person told me that he was not suffering, I saw the opposite. He told me that he felt very dizzy and that he could not get out of bed. I did not watch any more because the broadcast was cut off.

 

[maynoname]

I watched a CTB stream with SN, and although the person told me that he was not suffering, I saw the opposite. He told me that he felt very dizzy and that he could not get out of bed. I did not watch any more because the broadcast was cut off.

Yes, I'm also not sure that it's "peaceful" but that's the price to pay, I tell myself.

 

[CantDoIt]

Yes, I'm also not sure that it's "peaceful" but that's the price to pay, I tell myself.

Yeah, being dizzy and not being able to move is a major symptom that I experienced myself when I taste tested it. (Not recommend)

 

[maynoname]

Yeah, being dizzy and not being able to move is a major symptom that I experienced myself when I taste tested it. (Not recommend)

I think we feel like we're dying, obviously it's not instantaneous.
But it's my only option, and as long as it works that's what matters to me.

 

[CantDoIt]

I think we feel like we're dying, obviously it's not instantaneous.
But it's my only option, and as long as it works that's what matters to me.

Yeah, it'll be worth it...just worried about my thoughts going to weird places like I know they will. I have to try and be in a different sort of mindset.