I don't wish to be, all I wish for is to be gone with this dreadful and cruel torturous existence finally all forgotten but of course I'm so cruelly denied the option to cease existing peacefully to escape from the futile and torturous abomination of existence I always saw as a mistake, all wish for is to peacefully cease existing.
I just wish to never suffer again, no matter what I'll always prefer to not exist than be burdened with this cruel existence that to me is just waiting to die, existing to me will always be so deeply undesirable, it's just pain, suffering and cruelty all for the sake of it with no limit as to how much one can be tortured, for me non-existence really is all that's positive and desirable, it's all I could hope for in this existence so torturous.