Why the Fuck Am I Like This?

[tears and vomit]

Hey I'm a first-year college student and I'm totally lost. I know I should be studying, doing volunteering, getting work experience, and throwing myself into things that'll matter later but I can't find the motivation or strength. Honestly, the real shit is I'm pretty sure this all ends with me killing myself sometime soon, and that thought makes it almost impossible to try.


It's like:

• If I don't try, I'll live and feel like a failure and be looked down upon by everyone until I eventually ctb and even after
• If I do try, I still can't shake the certainty that it'll end badly. I hate myself for even trying because I'm convinced I'll fail anyways so what's the point

I feel sick all the time like I want to physically die every day but I also can't stand the idea of "dying a complete failure." I get disgusted with myself whenever I try to do something good for me, so I spiral and stop doing anything. Trying to be social, going to class, working ughhh everything feels exhausting and pointless, but I keep forcing myself because I'm terrified of dying a complete failure. I wanna be appreciated and loved before I eventually blow my head off

I guess what I'm trying to say is that when I ctb I want people to think I had so much going for me and that I was going to be something one day (even though I don't believe I ever will). Loads of people view others who die by suicide as failures, but I want to be seen as someone with some kind of accomplishment or goal when I'm gone.

 

[MydnytSorrow]

This reminds me of my first three years of college. I can genuinely say that I understand how you feel. I have come to terms that I will CTB at some point, but until then, I have decided to do all the things that my mind tells me that I would fail at. For example, I decided one day that I would become certified in Scuba Diving. I didn't believe I would actually do it because I have failed at everything else. I fought through the anxiety and thoughts of just giving up. The day I got my certification and rang that congratulations bell, I cried all the way home while laughing. I had finally given those thoughts the middle finger and I relished that high for a few days.
I'm terrible at wording things so I apologize but what I am trying to say is that finding ways to give those thoughts the middle finger has become my own way to prove to myself that I'm not a failure.
Even though I don't know who you are, I will never think of you as a failure and I truly appreciate that you're still here. My heart and soul are sending you all the hugs you deserve