Discussion Why is abuse glorified

[SoulWhisperer]

If you self harm society calls you crazy, if you're self-destructive same thing. But for some reason I heard some people affirm that "getting bullied builds character"?? Heard some men say that they're "glad" their parents or fathers "disciplined" them via violence??

The apex was when I was watching a famous Netflix series and at a point a character who struggled with facing his feelings (overly serious and strict with himself all the time) he mentions about his father beating him and etc as a child, saying that he's stern because of it. I was flabbergasted and a part of me died inside me when I heard that. I know it's fiction but whoever wrote it thought it was okay to write so clearly it's NOT fiction after all.

I've realised that humans work on boundaries. They can either bear and withstand things or they can OPPOSE them, and no I don't mean crimes, abuse n' shit, I'm talking about EVERYTHING. Society constructed norms and what are norms? They're our boundaries AKA WHAT WE'RE FINE WITH AND ACCEPT. If we don't accept something we simply oppose it, that's low-key our nature I suppose, everyone's nature. If you don't like something you avoid it.

In the past I questioned if what I underwent was abuse, and the very fact that I had to question it scares me, because that means that society, where I live at least, has gotten to a point where it's even hard to understand what's acceptable and what isn't even if it's inherently negative.

You have NO IDEA how many times my classmates brought up their father's belts n' shit if they were to fail exams. And while they treat it like a meme and all it still gets me thinking.

I'm not crazy right? I'm not crazy for not wanting to be with someone that intimidates and hurts me and HITS ME.

And let me remind you that if you end up questioning the very basis of everything then you'll spiral into a rabbit hole where nothing will make sense anymore, that's an overthinker thing some may understand and some not.

Ultimately.
Why is violence so glorified?... Why is it seen as a good thing?... Why people just accept it?... How are people supposed to get better if they live in a world where "violence makes you tougher"? I just don't get it... Why... Why... :(

 

[patheticparasite]

Toxic masculinity in a nutshell. I, too, refuse to buy into that shit.

 

[WhatCouldHaveBeen32]

You're not crazy, our society is ill. We say that we are advanced, we are not, most people are still primitive.

 

[ultradespair]

Literally. Bullying ruined my life and hearing people say its good etc hurts so bad.

 

[Dejected 55]

They key is almost always who is the abuse happening to you?

If you are being abused, it is horrible. If someone you care for, someone close to you, friend or close relative is being abused, then it can also be horrible.

But if it is happening to someone down the street, across town, in another state, another part of the world, basically anyone you don't really know? Then, meh, they should be tougher.

That is society's general reaction more times than not.

A converse to this is... people decide revenge is okay, or someone "deserves" abuse for some reason.

I always go back to how ALL my life people have glorified prison violence. They talk about wanting to send someone to prison so they can be beaten or raped regularly. Because, everyone knows when you go to prison, for whatever reason, you deserve everything else that can ever happen to you bad in there, right?

I mean... even a rapist. I want you to really think about this before knee-jerk reacting... Say you are a rape victim, and your rapist is sent to prison for 10 years or whatever. Does it make you happy to think about that rapist himself being raped semi-daily all that time? I mean, even IF you think you wish the worst to happen to him for what he did to you, and I 100% get that, do you think it is "right"?

Further... if you are aware enough to think of prison rape as rape... as in, one person forcing sex upon another against his/her wishes... That means in order for you to recognize that guy "deserving" to be raped... you also have to recognize you are supporting the other person, you know the rapist, in raping that person... which kind of makes you a rapist supporter doesn't it?

Again, I get how victims might want their attacker to get whatever punishment... and I'm not saying those feelings are wrong... I'm just saying, think about it. Meanwhile, MOST of the people who glorify prison rape as "deserved" aren't themselves victims of rape. They aren't even people who know someone raped necessarily... they are just people who think it's "cool" or whatever that rape can happen to people in prison because prisoners are less-than and deserve horrible.

Bullying is the less extreme example... lots encourage it because it makes you "tough" and if you "can't take it" then you will not make it in life... Except... the same people supporting kids being bullied are the same people who would want immediate justice if, as an adult, they were bullied. But... what happened to bullying "prepares you for life" nonsense? You shouldn't call the police or press charges when someone hits you as an adult and takes your stuff... you just aren't tough enough, right? Why do we even have laws against assault? You should have to defend yourself all the time, I mean, our ancestors did, right? Be tough, don't be a "pussy" and always fight literally for what is yours, and then send the person to prison and pray for them to be perpetually raped... because if it isn't happening to you, it's cool.

I don't think we all have to be pollyanna nice all the time. But, man... if we could dial back supporting all the oppressive abusive shit that so many people are doing to so many other people... we could have at least a half-decent world to live in, couldn't we.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I think seeing it as 'character building' is a coping mechanism taken on by the person trying to make the best out of what's happened. I'm not sure objectively we would think being exposed to abuse as something positive. Although there again, maybe you're right. Pop songs seem to celebrate abuse for example. I agree though- it's dangerous to normalise it. It isn't normal at all. No one should have to put up with it.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

It probably comes down to dominance. In a society that is very hierarchical in structure, the normalization of abuse is inevitable. Violence is used to establish one's dominance and status over another. Hence why, for example, bullying is often more common in schools that are more cliquey and have stronger social hierarchies. To add to this, child abuse tends to be especially glorified due to the extreme hierarchical familial structures found in many parts of the world. Children are often at the bottom of the hierarchy, so they are the ones most at risk of mistreatment. Harming children is seen as making sure to put them in their place. This hierarchy between children and adults ties into adultism, a form of ageism defined as being biased or prejudiced against children. I feel as though adultism is also something that can often be internalized, hence part of why most people have trouble accepting that corporal punishment is abuse, including those who have experienced it. We are taught to invalidate our feelings as children and this invalidation of our child selves' feelings often continues into adulthood.

Toxic masculinity in a nutshell. I, too, refuse to buy into that shit.

Yeah, it's not as simple as toxic masculinity, especially since women are often guilty of engaging in acts of direct or indirect violence, especially against children. While the patriarchal structure of the family that is often promoted does play a clear role in the normalization of abuse, blaming it on toxic masculinity as a whole does a poor job at explaining why abuse is so normalized.

 

[mangoastronaut]

I agree with Forever Sleep-- it's a coping mechanism people use to rationalize the abuse they went through. My partner cracks jokes every now and then about the csa they endured, it helps them cope with it.

The apex was when I was watching a famous Netflix series and at a point a character who struggled with facing his feelings (overly serious and strict with himself all the time) he mentions about his father beating him and etc as a child, saying that he's stern because of it. I was flabbergasted and a part of me died inside me when I heard that. I know it's fiction but whoever wrote it thought it was okay to write so clearly it's NOT fiction after all.

I don't know what show you're talking about or the character, but in situations like that I like to think about who the character is, how the writers want me to perceive the character, if their narration is reliable, etc. A bit of literary analysis. Like, from what you said I feel like I am not supposed to agree with the character but understand their struggle more.

If the writers don't make that clear, though, it could be dangerous. Like when people went up in arms when 15 Reasons Why was first streaming.

Why is violence so glorified?... Why is it seen as a good thing?... Why people just accept it?... How are people supposed to get better if they live in a world where "violence makes you tougher"? I just don't get it... Why... Why... :(

I remember hearing once that being soft in this world in much braver than becoming tough against it.

 

[_Maya]

There's a lot of reasons for why some people believe this.
Some people are just too afraid to admit that they were hurt, it's easier for people to explain what they went through to be no biggie, just something regular in their life.
But in a lot of men, it can also be due to being taught toxic masculinity and how its you shouldn't ever be vulnerable. You weren't "hurt" you were just taught a lesson, you weren't abused, your parents were just keeping you from doing bad things, etc. I was taught when i was younger that i shouldn't ever cry since i was a boy, and i think its a big reason for why i can't cry now.
Some people are also just used to violence, to the point it's normal. I'm so used to be hurt all the time, I've learned to get used to it. And when it stops, it feels abnormal.

I remember hearing once that being soft in this world in much braver than becoming tough against it.

But also i think this is a big reason why. Everyone is always tearing each other down, nitpicking every little wrong detail about you, your looks, your morals, your hobbies, anything they can find about you. Why should you treat others with kindness, when others don't treat you with the same kindness? It's much easier to just push everyone away, and beat people down, Rather than it is to be open and try to be kind to people.

 

[Archness]

Because the world itself doesn't care, it's also violent.
Also I think it comes down to dominance. Parents can let off steam because what is a child supposed to do? Likewise, it's very often for men to physically attack and fuck up women because they're just stronger then them.

I also think it's just a darker part of human nature that having more power and just hurting others can just be "fun". People watch others get hurt, get "what they deserve" and torn apart, etc. Like anything else that's just a part of being human, it's normal, and sometimes glorified, even abuse, like how war, violence, chaos, etc are.

 

[Nightfoot]

Many people are raised with those beliefs, sometimes because the person saying those things was also raised with those beliefs and sometimes as an excuse for their own behavior.