Inviting anyone and everyone here to share thoughts, feelings and emotions about what you are experiencing. Why do you think about suicide?
I think it's a bunch of reasons. Some I know, others I'm still discovering.
I recently have had the opportunity to get out of the city and even though I can't live outside the city, having the ability to enjoy the peace for an hour a day has drastically improved my mood. I think being in this shithole has drastically reduced my quality of life and is a big reason I'm as depressed as I am today.
Being a social reject has also made things hard. I've never fit in, I've never belonged. I've drastically changed who I am. To the point where if you could get me at 5 and me today in the same room it would be hard to believe they're the same person. I desperately wanted community as a kid. Now I don't make much, if any, attempt to bond with my coworkers. It's pretty much entirely because of my anxiety, but it's weird to hear my coworkers say I'm quiet and never try to be part of the group.
I think the inability to find love has become a recent reason. I didn't really care much about relationships while I was in school, but now I desperately desire companionship and between me being too ugly for the kind of guys I'm into, unable to settle for the guys who are into me and the general state of dating today I'm having a hard time picturing me actually finding someone.
I feel inhuman. My ex said I don't care about anyone but myself, and I think he's right to a certain degree. I feel like there's something wrong with me, but I can't figure out what. I don't think I'm a sociopath/psychopath, but I'm not normal either. Aside from the want to move to somewhere more rural, get a dog and get married one day I have no real desires. I don't hate my job, but it's not my dream job. I'm going to school, but I can't say I care more about that job than this one. I don't really want to get my degree so much as I want a better opportunity to leave the city and I want A degree, pretty much any one that people respect, so I can feel like I'm not a complete failure. I don't really have hobbies. I've been doing puzzles lately, but I can't say I do anything I actually like and care about. I try to self study Japanese, I try learning art, I did crocheting for a while, I'm thinking of getting back into videogames, I watch movies, I'm thinking of getting back into learning math. I have a bunch of things I do or try to do, but I always get bored after a while, or feel guilty, or give up because I suck too much to make any progress. It feels weird being unable to have a hobby I care about when all the people around me can.
Yeah, hopefully sometime soon.
Very. I want to die, but I don't. I want to try to manage my depression better, but why bother when you're probably going to kill yourself because of things completely out of your control? I dream everyday of being able to move out and get a dog and finally be able to the park and enjoy going on a hike/walk, but I either have to spend at least half of my paycheck to live alone or deal with the potential of other people fucking with my stuff if I get a roommate.
I feel trapped, but I also feel like it's my fault I'm trapped because I'm doing nothing to change my situation. I look for affordable apartments, but they're all either a scam or you have to have a voucher to be eligible. I feel like I'm complaining instead of just accepting the world as it is and working with what I can.
How and when do you think you will? Any thoughts or opinions are welcome.
Gun. Not sure. Hopefully soon, if not maybe in 2 years or so. Probably never, I'm a pussy.
