Why do POC not care about abuse or mental health

[prettyclam]

Whenever I tell my dad's side of the family (who are African American) about my abusive home, they act like its completely normal. They're even on his side. They tell me to respect him when he beats me, screams at me, controls me, and treats everyone around me like garbage.

So I ask my mom (who's Japanese) why she hasn't done anything about it. And she gives the same bullshit excuses everytime. After 19+ years, she couldn't get a divorce, couldn't move us out the country, couldn't intervene once to stop the abuse. All because its "not part of her culture" to stand up. Not even for her defenseless children.

Neither of them take my MDD or suicidal thoughts seriously. They act like this is a phase. They act like I'm crazy. They believe everything apart from me having a diagnosed mental illness. They think it's simple.

I'm exhausted by my own community not caring about abuse or mental health. Obviously that's a HUGE generalization, but I feel like its easier for white people to deal with this stuff. They can open up and get hugs and reassurance and support. Their parents can argue and at least consider splitting. They can recieve medicine and therapy and all the help in the world. Meanwhile my parents only let me to get help because the hospital forced them to.

Everywhere on social media I see people bring up this issue just to get shut down. Too many poc think it's normal to get hit with belts, flip flops, ect. Too many make fun of mental illness. Too many think it's normal to be afraid of going home. It's all "discipline" to them, but where does the line get drawn?

Overall, I wish more poc were open minded. I feel rejected by my own community.

 

[starboy2k]

Speaking as a black person myself, families like yours and mines don't care until you end up in a casket. Thats just how it goes, and it's not your fault.

 

[prettyclam]

Speaking as a black person myself, families like yours and mines don't care until you end up in a casket. Thats just how it goes, and it's not your fault.

Good to know I'm not the only one going through this let's hope we dont end up photoshopped as an angel on a funeral shirt lmao

 

[starboy2k]

Good to know I'm not the only one going through this let's hope we dont end up photoshopped as an angel on a funeral shirt lmao

I hate those shirts with a passion. Lol

 

[Life'sA6itch]

Whenever I tell my dad's side of the family (who are African American) about my abusive home, they act like its completely normal. They're even on his side. They tell me to respect him when he beats me, screams at me, controls me, and treats everyone around me like garbage.

So I ask my mom (who's Japanese) why she hasn't done anything about it. And she gives the same bullshit excuses everytime. After 19+ years, she couldn't get a divorce, couldn't move us out the country, couldn't intervene once to stop the abuse. All because its "not part of her culture" to stand up. Not even for her defenseless children.

Neither of them take my MDD or suicidal thoughts seriously. They act like this is a phase. They act like I'm crazy. They believe everything apart from me having a diagnosed mental illness. They think it's simple.

I'm exhausted by my own community not caring about abuse or mental health. Obviously that's a HUGE generalization, but I feel like its easier for white people to deal with this stuff. They can open up and get hugs and reassurance and support. Their parents can argue and AT LEAST consider splitting. They can recieve medicine and therapy and all the help in the world. Meanwhile my parents only let me to get help because the hospital forced them to.

I wish more poc were open minded. I feel rejected by my own community.

I am sorry you are being treated like mental health doesn't matter. It's not uncommon for some POC to lie about this, maybe they knew talking about mental health in their families or circles would get them ostracized or worse or maybe they literally had family and friends who believed this lie or that beating a person is okay. This is not just a POC issue, just know that.

Many of us have people who believe beatings are okay. Sadly, those people giving you that response likely got abused and beaten (or witnessed it and had it implied that it is okay) and may feel abuse is normal or deserved. There are many POC who do not agree with abuse nor ever use it. People in general who are doling out any beatings or other abuse (of all colors) especially to children tend to have the least resources to raise and take care of the children they beat, it's all about compliance with the abusers demand and IMMEDIATELY because the offender is highly stressed and not wanting to take the time or give the resources and time it takes to teach and correct unwanted behaviors. If doling out abuse to adults, it's a violent temper tantrum designed to also get IMMEDIATE compliance and a posturing of power.

Making matters worse, most often there is no actual teaching, explaining of what is/was expected AND why. There usually is no apology for beatings either. This made me internalize a lot of damage, fawn over and appease people (even now as an adult) in hopes of making them somehow like me enough to not get "mad" and beat me. It still doesn't save me, sometimes it helps but not always.

More POC and people in general are accessing mental health care so maybe some damage can be undone for some people. But for many, even addressing mental health issues with "professionals" may not better their life. It sure did not help me.

 

[GhostInTheMachine]

Hispanic here, abusing your kids has long been seen as a parental duty and moral good. I confronted my parents on past abuse and they fucking acted like it never happened of course. I have a strong amount of internalized racism as a result and very strongly despise hispanic culture.

 

[amomentspeace]

Yeah, it's cultural and not limited to African Americans (I'm speaking as a Brazillian).

 

[prettyclam]

This is not just a POC issue. Sadly, those people giving you that response likely got abused and beaten (or witnessed it and had it implied that it is okay) and may feel abuse is normal or deserved. There are many POC who do not agree with abuse nor ever use it. People in general who are doling out the abuse (of all colors) especially to children tend to have the least resources to raise and take care of the children they beat, it's all about compliance with the abusers demand and IMMEDIATELY. if doling out abuse to adults, it's a violent temper tantrum designed to also get IMMEDIATE compliance and a posturing of power.

Making matters worse, most often there is no actual teaching, explaining of what is/was expected AND why. There usually is no apology either. This made me internalize a lot of damage, fawn over and appease people (even now as an adult) in hopes of making them somehow like me enough to not get "mad" and beat me.

Standing up for myself causes way more problems but my pre-emptive fawning has not worked well but I don't know what else to do. - Effed up since childhood

Yeah its definently a generational thing where the abused dont know any better. So the grandparents abuse their kids, then when they grow up they abuse their own, then those kids may sadly do the same later in life. It screws everyone in the end. It's really sad...

 

[EternalShore]

idk, but I can tell you that plenty of white people don't either and merely just talk about caring to look good with others but don't care at all about one's plight~ >_<
I always thought the heavenly shirts were kinda kyute, but I guess I wouldn't appreciate being paraded around like that by an abusive family either~ :/
I'm sorry your family treats you so horrendously tho~ :( altho, I wouldn't be so hard on your mom tho because she probably genuinely believes she shouldn't intervene because that's just how things are in her culture~ >_< it's just awful that that those 2 cultural attitudes combine into a horrendous life for you tho! >_<

 

[prettyclam]

Hispanic here, abusing your kids has long been seen as a parental duty and moral good. I confronted my parents on past abuse and they fucking acted like it never happened of course. I have a strong amount of internalized racism as a result and very strongly despise hispanic culture.

They deny everything but wonder why their children end up the way they are...its so annoying how parents can't reflect on their actions because of how blinded they are by culture.

 

[notreallybored]

ב''ה,
Two words: Foot Locker.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I don't have a background in sociology, nor am I neither a black American or a Japanese person, so I can only really talk about this based on my limited knowledge of those two communities. I might get some shit wrong, especially in regards to why these issues persist in Japan, so keep that in mind.

This issue isn't specific to POC households. For example, abuse is pretty normalized in many Eastern European households and many from that background complain that their parents never cared about their mental health growing up. It's important to note that how we view mental health has changed a lot in this day and age, so how most younger people view and treat it is very different from how most older people view and treat it.

I think it should also be noted that violence against children in particular is very normalized. It's to the point where slapping a child is seen as fine so long as you don't leave a mark, despite the fact that doing the same to an adult would be considered assault by many. In some places, this is taken even further than that. Disregarding the boundaries and mental well-being of children, in general, in general is a major issue within most societies, with children generally being treated more like things rather than like people deserving of respect. Within certain communities, the maltreatment of children is worse due to abuse being more normalized and this usually results from many complex factors, from extremely hierarchical family structures to generational trauma.

Generational trauma is a very big issue within the black American community and many from that community don't have access to good mental health resources. As a result, many black Americans grow up with unaddressed trauma and mental health issues, and these issues, along with other issues they face, end up leading to a lot of bad things being normalized within their communities. Black Americans believe that by whipping their kids and essentially forcing them into a position of submission and obedience, they are preventing them from straying onto the wrong path (e.g. becoming criminals). Of course, hitting kids has been found to actually have many detrimental effects on them, and physical punishments are well-known to carry the risk of increasing the levels of aggression in those being punished, but due to how ingrained corporal punishment is within the black community it makes having discussions with them on this to be near impossible. Abuse tends to be a cycle and that cycle is especially strong within the black American community.

Hell, my mother (who isn't American but she is from the Caribbean, where abuse is also very normalized) decided to rant to me one day about one of her professors telling her class that corporal punishment against children is abuse. In her eyes, so long as you don't leave any bruises, it is fine to hit children. This annoyed me a lot, especially since she is saying this as someone who plans on going into social work (though thankfully she doesn't work with children). Instead of listening to what her professor had to say she instead acted like it wasn't abusive to hit your kids, even though it is. Just because this isn't recognized by the law doesn't change that. Most pediatricians, psychologists, social workers, and other professionals recognize it as being abusive due to the decades of research we have showing that it can negatively impact the psyche of children. Still, her views on abuse are arguably more progressive compared to views of abuse by many others from where she comes from, which is saying a lot.

Abuse is also very normalized within Japanese society and mental illness is still something that is highly stigmatized within that culture. I would imagine that a large part of this comes down to the extremely hierarchical and collectivist structure of Japan. From the workplace to families, abuse tends to be something that permeates Japanese society (at least based on what I've heard from Japanese people). Very hierarchical structures generally tend to be the perfect breeding ground for abuse to arise. Japan isn't as progressive compared to many other developed nations when it comes to how mentally ill people are viewed and treated (though, the younger generations seem to be working to change that). It took Japan much longer compared to other nations to even recognize depression as a mental illness, and the extreme amounts of pressure for Japanese people to put on the facade of fitting neatly into the roles that Japanese society pushes onto them means that mental illness is much harder to discuss within that culture. Hence why you have things, like the Menhera community, which have stemmed in response to the stigma against discussions of mental health in Japan.

Japan also puts a lot of emphasis on having a "stable" family structure, and thus divorce is looked down upon. This stigma is especially bad for divorced women. While the stigma surrounding divorce has been declining within Japanese society, it still exists and likely would have played a role in your mother not divorcing your father.

 

[marooned123]

Whenever I tell my dad's side of the family (who are African American) about my abusive home, they act like its completely normal. They're even on his side. They tell me to respect him when he beats me, screams at me, controls me, and treats everyone around me like garbage.

So I ask my mom (who's Japanese) why she hasn't done anything about it. And she gives the same bullshit excuses everytime. After 19+ years, she couldn't get a divorce, couldn't move us out the country, couldn't intervene once to stop the abuse. All because its "not part of her culture" to stand up. Not even for her defenseless children.

Neither of them take my MDD or suicidal thoughts seriously. They act like this is a phase. They act like I'm crazy. They believe everything apart from me having a diagnosed mental illness. They think it's simple.

I'm exhausted by my own community not caring about abuse or mental health. Obviously that's a HUGE generalization, but I feel like its easier for white people to deal with this stuff. They can open up and get hugs and reassurance and support. Their parents can argue and at least consider splitting. They can recieve medicine and therapy and all the help in the world. Meanwhile my parents only let me to get help because the hospital forced them to.

Everywhere on social media I see people bring up this issue just to get shut down. Too many poc think it's normal to get hit with belts, flip flops, ect. Too many make fun of mental illness. Too many think it's normal to be afraid of going home. It's all "discipline" to them, but where does the line get drawn?

Overall, I wish more poc were open minded. I feel rejected by my own community.

This is not necessarily just a thing of culture. This is the same in every family where abuse hides and thrives. No one will accept the facts and they blame the most convenient person, the person who has the complaints, the symptoms, the disruptive behavior, etc., etc. I have been begging my family to listen my entire life. I don't know why I kept begging, I just needed my pain and suffering to be acknowledged, and it never was, and it never will be. This is not just POC. This is our entire culture. Social media will say one thing and yet it won't be accepted when you actually post about your problems. Because people were not brought up to think that therapy is acceptable. Things don't change in just a few years. Cultural normalities and accepted practices take decades to change and then only gradually. The only thing to do is learn to make your way in the world as it is now or decide to leave it.

 

[prettyclam]

This issue isn't specific to POC households. For example, abuse is pretty normalized in many Eastern European households and many from that background complain that their parents never cared about their mental health growing up.

I agree very much!! I didnt know how to word my post to include europeans but abuse is normalized in "cultured" households altogether. Not saying white Americans arent cultured but you know what I mean.

Hell, my mother (who isn't American but she is from the Caribbean, where abuse is also very normalized) decided to rant to me one day about one of her professors telling her class that corporal punishment against children is abuse. In her eyes, so long as you don't leave any bruises, it is fine to hit children.

It's hard for some people (mainly the older generation) to forget their culture and open their eyes to the truth. My grandma is the same as your mom. She's a social worker too yet is the main one defending my dads abusive behavior.

Abuse is also very normalized within Japanese society

That's true as well. Lots of oblivious people think Japan is a paradise when in reality we're way behind in terms of mental health. There's a reason why we have one of the highest suicide rates in the world. And while I understand where my mom is coming from, and why standing up for herself never crosses her mind, it still angers me that I could've had a better life if she set her culture aside

This is not necessarily just a thing of culture. This is the same in every family where abuse hides and thrives. No one will accept the facts and they blame the most convenient person, the person who has the complaints, the symptoms, the disruptive behavior, etc., etc. I have been begging my family to listen my entire life. I don't know why I kept begging, I just needed my pain and suffering to be acknowledged, and it never was, and it never will be. This is not just POC. This is our entire culture. Social media will say one thing and yet it won't be accepted when you actually post about your problems. Because people were not brought up to think that therapy is acceptable. Things don't change in just a few years. Cultural normalities and accepted practices take decades to change and then only gradually. The only thing to do is learn to make your way in the world as it is now or decide to leave it.

Indeed there's many households that face the same struggles, not exclusively poc ones. I was just speaking as someone who noticed how I was the only coloured person in my therapy groups, and as someone who recieved unhelpful advice from white friends who dont understand that it's not easy talking to an asian/black family about mental health. Society altogether condones abuse too often. Then when the abuse actually screws someone up and causes mental issues, they're the crazy ones. But like you said, it does take time for that stigma to fade. I'm glad some (rare) white american families care about mental health & abuse. However, there's still a long way to go for the majority.

 

[bankai]

Some of the people from these older generations are so damaged from generations of abuse. That they actually got gas lit into thinking that it's right to get beat up and abused

 

[usernamesarehard]

Yeah, I don't get why this is a thing. I remember being beat with a belt as a child and I still remember how I felt. I can't remember WHY I was beat (which is pretty ironic because that's the excuse everyone uses to justify this shit "it teaches them a lesson and they'll never forget" (never mind studies have shown that NO it doesn't teach anything and people more often than not don't remember WHY they were beat)), but I do remember how bad my feelings were hurt and playing world of zoo on my ds to make myself feel better.

I think it's partly a trauma thing. Like "I went through it and I'm fine," but if you're hitting kids for doing dumb kid shit to scare them into not doing whatever you don't want them to do instead of, oh I don't know, PARENTING your kid and having patience and setting boundaries and proper punishments or just allowing natural consequences to get them to make better choices, then no, you aren't fine. You're a shit parent.

Everyone knows hitting a dog to get them to do what you want is abusive and doesn't work, but hitting kids? How DARE you criticize my parenting methods.

 

[lemonandcapers]

Whenever I tell my dad's side of the family (who are African American) about my abusive home, they act like its completely normal. They're even on his side. They tell me to respect him when he beats me, screams at me, controls me, and treats everyone around me like garbage.

So I ask my mom (who's Japanese) why she hasn't done anything about it. And she gives the same bullshit excuses everytime. After 19+ years, she couldn't get a divorce, couldn't move us out the country, couldn't intervene once to stop the abuse. All because its "not part of her culture" to stand up. Not even for her defenseless children.

Neither of them take my MDD or suicidal thoughts seriously. They act like this is a phase. They act like I'm crazy. They believe everything apart from me having a diagnosed mental illness. They think it's simple.

I'm exhausted by my own community not caring about abuse or mental health. Obviously that's a HUGE generalization, but I feel like its easier for white people to deal with this stuff. They can open up and get hugs and reassurance and support. Their parents can argue and at least consider splitting. They can recieve medicine and therapy and all the help in the world. Meanwhile my parents only let me to get help because the hospital forced them to.

Everywhere on social media I see people bring up this issue just to get shut down. Too many poc think it's normal to get hit with belts, flip flops, ect. Too many make fun of mental illness. Too many think it's normal to be afraid of going home. It's all "discipline" to them, but where does the line get drawn?

Overall, I wish more poc were open minded. I feel rejected by my own community.

I agree. I am a POC, and my mental health was not and still is not taken seriously by my family. The fact that POC, especially POC immigrants, have had to work harder just to survive in society causes them to adopt certain values. Mental health issues are seen as trivial compared to the poverty that they have seen or the hard work they have put into giving their children a life. The "I went through this, and I came out fine!" mindset when it comes to abuse. Just the fact that POC have to spend more time surviving and don't have a lot of time to become informed about things such as mental illness or disability and its effects.

I am sorry to hear that you are going through the same thing.

 

[tormentedhusk]

Whenever I tell my dad's side of the family (who are African American) about my abusive home, they act like its completely normal. They're even on his side. They tell me to respect him when he beats me, screams at me, controls me, and treats everyone around me like garbage.

So I ask my mom (who's Japanese) why she hasn't done anything about it. And she gives the same bullshit excuses everytime. After 19+ years, she couldn't get a divorce, couldn't move us out the country, couldn't intervene once to stop the abuse. All because its "not part of her culture" to stand up. Not even for her defenseless children.

Neither of them take my MDD or suicidal thoughts seriously. They act like this is a phase. They act like I'm crazy. They believe everything apart from me having a diagnosed mental illness. They think it's simple.

I'm exhausted by my own community not caring about abuse or mental health. Obviously that's a HUGE generalization, but I feel like its easier for white people to deal with this stuff. They can open up and get hugs and reassurance and support. Their parents can argue and at least consider splitting. They can recieve medicine and therapy and all the help in the world. Meanwhile my parents only let me to get help because the hospital forced them to.

Everywhere on social media I see people bring up this issue just to get shut down. Too many poc think it's normal to get hit with belts, flip flops, ect. Too many make fun of mental illness. Too many think it's normal to be afraid of going home. It's all "discipline" to them, but where does the line get drawn?

Overall, I wish more poc were open minded. I feel rejected by my own community.

speaking from experience, this is not an issue of race. I'm white and my parents are pretty much the same

 

[wormbrained]

not black, but i do live in a south american country and stuff like this is super normalized, especially with older folks. if i had to guess, it's some sort of cultural replication, their parents did this sort of stuff to them and "they turned alright" ("alright" in this case meaning some sort of substance abuse, some broken relationships and probably 2 or 3 extramarital kids) , so they might as well do to their children. these sort of communities are heavily attached to old traditions and stubborn as fuck when it comes to changing their views or trying to see some things differently, makes me pissed the fuck off too. i'm sorry this shit's happening to you, you and everyone else deserve actual support.

 

[Dino_flower]

Whenever I tell my dad's side of the family (who are African American) about my abusive home, they act like its completely normal. They're even on his side. They tell me to respect him when he beats me, screams at me, controls me, and treats everyone around me like garbage.

So I ask my mom (who's Japanese) why she hasn't done anything about it. And she gives the same bullshit excuses everytime. After 19+ years, she couldn't get a divorce, couldn't move us out the country, couldn't intervene once to stop the abuse. All because its "not part of her culture" to stand up. Not even for her defenseless children.

Neither of them take my MDD or suicidal thoughts seriously. They act like this is a phase. They act like I'm crazy. They believe everything apart from me having a diagnosed mental illness. They think it's simple.

I'm exhausted by my own community not caring about abuse or mental health. Obviously that's a HUGE generalization, but I feel like its easier for white people to deal with this stuff. They can open up and get hugs and reassurance and support. Their parents can argue and at least consider splitting. They can recieve medicine and therapy and all the help in the world. Meanwhile my parents only let me to get help because the hospital forced them to.

Everywhere on social media I see people bring up this issue just to get shut down. Too many poc think it's normal to get hit with belts, flip flops, ect. Too many make fun of mental illness. Too many think it's normal to be afraid of going home. It's all "discipline" to them, but where does the line get drawn?

Overall, I wish more poc were open minded. I feel rejected by my own community.

I don't have a background in sociology, nor am I neither a black American or a Japanese person, so I can only really talk about this based on my limited knowledge of those two communities. I might get some shit wrong, especially in regards to why these issues persist in Japan, so keep that in mind.

This issue isn't specific to POC households. For example, abuse is pretty normalized in many Eastern European households and many from that background complain that their parents never cared about their mental health growing up. It's important to note that how we view mental health has changed a lot in this day and age, so how most younger people view and treat it is very different from how most older people view and treat it.

I think it should also be noted that violence against children in particular is very normalized. It's to the point where slapping a child is seen as fine so long as you don't leave a mark, despite the fact that doing the same to an adult would be considered assault by many. In some places, this is taken even further than that. Disregarding the boundaries and mental well-being of children, in general, in general is a major issue within most societies, with children generally being treated more like things rather than like people deserving of respect. Within certain communities, the maltreatment of children is worse due to abuse being more normalized and this usually results from many complex factors, from extremely hierarchical family structures to generational trauma.

Generational trauma is a very big issue within the black American community and many from that community don't have access to good mental health resources. As a result, many black Americans grow up with unaddressed trauma and mental health issues, and these issues, along with other issues they face, end up leading to a lot of bad things being normalized within their communities. Black Americans believe that by whipping their kids and essentially forcing them into a position of submission and obedience, they are preventing them from straying onto the wrong path (e.g. becoming criminals). Of course, hitting kids has been found to actually have many detrimental effects on them, and physical punishments are well-known to carry the risk of increasing the levels of aggression in those being punished, but due to how ingrained corporal punishment is within the black community it makes having discussions with them on this to be near impossible. Abuse tends to be a cycle and that cycle is especially strong within the black American community.

Hell, my mother (who isn't American but she is from the Caribbean, where abuse is also very normalized) decided to rant to me one day about one of her professors telling her class that corporal punishment against children is abuse. In her eyes, so long as you don't leave any bruises, it is fine to hit children. This annoyed me a lot, especially since she is saying this as someone who plans on going into social work (though thankfully she doesn't work with children). Instead of listening to what her professor had to say she instead acted like it wasn't abusive to hit your kids, even though it is. Just because this isn't recognized by the law doesn't change that. Most pediatricians, psychologists, social workers, and other professionals recognize it as being abusive due to the decades of research we have showing that it can negatively impact the psyche of children. Still, her views on abuse are arguably more progressive compared to views of abuse by many others from where she comes from, which is saying a lot.

Abuse is also very normalized within Japanese society and mental illness is still something that is highly stigmatized within that culture. I would imagine that a large part of this comes down to the extremely hierarchical and collectivist structure of Japan. From the workplace to families, abuse tends to be something that permeates Japanese society (at least based on what I've heard from Japanese people). Very hierarchical structures generally tend to be the perfect breeding ground for abuse to arise. Japan isn't as progressive compared to many other developed nations when it comes to how mentally ill people are viewed and treated (though, the younger generations seem to be working to change that). It took Japan much longer compared to other nations to even recognize depression as a mental illness, and the extreme amounts of pressure for Japanese people to put on the facade of fitting neatly into the roles that Japanese society pushes onto them means that mental illness is much harder to discuss within that culture. Hence why you have things, like the Menhera community, which have stemmed in response to the stigma against discussions of mental health in Japan.

Japan also puts a lot of emphasis on having a "stable" family structure, and thus divorce is looked down upon. This stigma is especially bad for divorced women. While the stigma surrounding divorce has been declining within Japanese society, it still exists and likely would have played a role in your mother not divorcing your father.

Someone already mentioned this but the normalization of abuse, especially against children, in so many cultures is probably the horrific thing to go through as a survivor of abuse yourself. Knowing that you can deal with unbearable and gut-wrenching pain everyday and either lock it up inside or tell someone just for them to tell you that such mental warfare and agony is simply alright after you've been subjected to it and suffered with it for years. I had a friend who was a believer of "slapping/hitting children = discipline" and as someone who went through some of the most heinous forms of child abuse, it took every inch of my body to not punch her across the face. Abuse being normalized is some dystopian shit that I would rather die than deal with. I'm so damn sorry you're having to go through this all on your own.