Help Why couldn't I do it today?

[AngelBritney]

I had the plan to CTB today. I missed day hospital, my partner thought I was there.

At the day hospital they would have done something at 11am if I didn't call them back by then. They tried to call me at 8:30am but I didn't pick up so they left me a message that I should contact them back until 11 am.

I am at home rn and so frustrated...

I was at the chosen place, had my scalpel and I would have had time until 11am to die, so 2 hours before police started searching me.

But I had no physical strength to cut my throat and arms even though I already succeeded in that in the past. Yesterday I had a good mood and energy (due to my plan to CTB today) at the day hospital until the group talking session happened which tired me massively.

I'm mad at myself for quitting. Even though the weather is cold, windy and a bit rainy today, I thought I could CTB as planned.

Should I consider this as a recovery/success? I don't understand why I couldn't do it.
The last weeks and days fed my depression and made it worse so I thought I had the strength to do it today.

But at least I avoided the worst by calling the day hospital and ensured them I am not in danger because I didn't want the police looking for me.

 

[geepeedee]

Cutting is considered a non-method. It's really hard to get past SI in order to do it right. Go easy on yourself.

 

[AngelBritney]

Cutting is considered a non-method. It's really hard to get past SI in order to do it right. Go easy on yourself.

Even cutting throat is considered non-method? :( I was able to cut my neck once so it bled but police arrived and stopped me going further.

I just don't get it. I want to die badly. Yesterday I was sure today would be my last. I felt relief and happiness but nope, my body was like: not today, bitch.