Where da BPD people at?

[Ruffian]

BPD people please post in the forum a BRIEF history of what brought you here. No personally identifiable information of course. If you have something that would really stick out, PM me please. I want to share your stories with someone who MIGHT be able to help us fight back against the Bieber's. We ain't gonna beat em fightin fair, so let's get to it.

 

[Final Escape]

I guess my bpd was really what brought me here. I've lived a really sad traumatic life and as u get older with this disorder untreated things just get worse until u feel like ctb is the only option. Fight back against the Beiber's Lol!

 

[alexithymia]

Me! I've felt empty and as though I lack a sense of self for as long as I can remember. I've been suicidal on and off since I was a preteen. I was socially inept through my school years as well as agoraphobic. Life has always felt meaningless and scary.

I've also had issues with my interpersonal relationships as well as severe abandonment issues.

I don't know how to cope. After my ex broke up with me, I feel like I've lost all semblance of my identity. Had a psychotic break as well which was horrifying.

I feel like such a failure. Always have.

 

[Dawn0071111]

I am pretty sure I have this... But I am terrified to get an official diagnosis. Therefore... I am going to CBT to avoid being trapped inside of this hollow shell.... I wish I had intervention earlier in life. I'm 40 and tired of this shit.

Me! I've felt empty and as though I lack a sense of self for as long as I can remember. I've been suicidal on and off since I was a preteen. I was socially inept through my school years as well as agoraphobic. Life has always felt meaningless and scary.

I've also had issues with my interpersonal relationships as well as severe abandonment issues.

I don't know how to cope. After my ex broke up with me, I feel like I've lost all semblance of my identity. Had a psychotic break as well which was horrifying.

I feel like such a failure. Always have.

I sometimes wonder if that is what happened to me last summer. Its so hard to tell, because NVS (Narssistic Victims Symdrome) mimics BPD...... But what I went through was fucking hell. I had no idea what was happening. I imlpoded.... I feel like it was more than PTSD. What is it like having psychotic break? I didn't have any auditory or visual hallucinations.... But I felt deep self loathing... had panic attacks and developed triggers towards the guy who led me on for hun then dumped me....

What is a BPD psychotic break like? It is just emotional or do you develop delusions?

 

[Ruffian]

I am pretty sure I have this... But I am terrified to get an official diagnosis. Therefore... I am going to CBT to avoid being trapped inside of this hollow shell.... I wish I had intervention earlier in life. I'm 40 and tired of this shit.


I sometimes wonder if that is what happened to me last summer. Its so hard to tell, because NVS (Narssistic Victims Symdrome) mimics BPD...... But what I went through was fucking hell. I had no idea what was happening. I imlpoded.... I feel like it was more than PTSD. What is it like having psychotic break? I didn't have any auditory or visual hallucinations.... But I felt deep self loathing... had panic attacks and developed triggers towards the guy who led me on for hun then dumped me....

What is a BPD psychotic break like? It is just emotional or do you develop delusions?

If your really concerned you have a personality disorder, and you think you've had a psychotic break, then you do need to find a very good psychiatrist for starters. At the very least a therapist familiar with personality disorders.

If you're in the states your best bet is a doctor associated with with a University.

****The single most prevalent feature of BPD is the person can't accept they have it.*****

PM me if you need more.

 

[alexithymia]

I am pretty sure I have this... But I am terrified to get an official diagnosis. Therefore... I am going to CBT to avoid being trapped inside of this hollow shell.... I wish I had intervention earlier in life. I'm 40 and tired of this shit.


I sometimes wonder if that is what happened to me last summer. Its so hard to tell, because NVS (Narssistic Victims Symdrome) mimics BPD...... But what I went through was fucking hell. I had no idea what was happening. I imlpoded.... I feel like it was more than PTSD. What is it like having psychotic break? I didn't have any auditory or visual hallucinations.... But I felt deep self loathing... had panic attacks and developed triggers towards the guy who led me on for hun then dumped me....

What is a BPD psychotic break like? It is just emotional or do you develop delusions?

In my experience, I did experience delusions. No hallucinations, though. It was about a week and I remember feeling very physically different. I also thought I was being persecuted and was extremely paranoid.

 

[Temporarilyabsurd]

Not diagnosed ,

But ,
Lifetime sense of not belonging , inner emptiness , meaninglessness.
"Oceanic Guilt "
Never completely connecting across all spectrums - social/personal/intimate.

Delegitimising / devalueing inner values ( passions) " It just doesn't matter .

Probably disthymia and occasional anhedonia.
( Near permanent depression and anxiety plus frequent panic attacks ..)

Cause ?
My theory :
Social dislocation .
1 Cult upbringing
2 Family split ( only mother was in cult )
3 Immigrant from 9yo ( cultural dislocation . )
4 Parents traumatized by their own pasts ... War , Industrial Accidents , Military upbringing .
4a Coping with traumatized sibling ... caregiver fatigue ?
( especially taxing as I'm the one who is the failure and a trouble maker .)
5 I became a kind of caretaker / fall guy for family and,dillusionally , the 'world' ?
( trying to build an entire world as a teenager from scratch with zero tools .)
6 Drugs for coping " Just wipe the tape yo ! " ( 30 plus years living in a bottle )
7 "I'm just not worth it , I'm wrong , etc etc " - conclusions reached and self schema
set in place .

(Today ... full of regret and basically a failure , but comforted by getting some kind of a grip on
the way things turned out - was it my fevered amygdala(?)? or whatever the fuck was out of my
control so trying to stop shitting on myself as much as I used to.)

It's a shit when you become your own enemy .
I fuckin' hate that .

 

[Dawn0071111]

Not diagnosed ,

But ,
Lifetime sense of not belonging , inner emptiness , meaninglessness.
"Oceanic Guilt "
Never completely connecting across all spectrums - social/personal/intimate.

Delegitimising / devalueing inner values ( passions) " It just doesn't matter .

Probably disthymia and occasional anhedonia.
( Near permanent depression and anxiety plus frequent panic attacks ..)

Cause ?
My theory :
Social dislocation .
1 Cult upbringing
2 Family split ( only mother was in cult )
3 Immigrant from 9yo ( cultural dislocation . )
4 Parents traumatized by their own pasts ... War , Industrial Accidents , Military upbringing .
4a Coping with traumatized sibling ... caregiver fatigue ?
( especially taxing as I'm the one who is the failure and a trouble maker .)
5 I became a kind of caretaker / fall guy for family and,dillusionally , the 'world' ?
( trying to build an entire world as a teenager from scratch with zero tools .)
6 Drugs for coping " Just wipe the tape yo ! " ( 30 plus years living in a bottle )
7 "I'm just not worth it , I'm wrong , etc etc " - conclusions reached and self schema
set in place .

(Today ... full of regret and basically a failure , but comforted by getting some kind of a grip on
the way things turned out - was it my fevered amygdala(?)? or whatever the fuck was out of my
control so trying to stop shitting on myself as much as I used to.)

It's a shit when you become your own enemy .
I fuckin' hate that .

Wow... yup I can relate with a lot of that.....

1. Born To BPD/Narssicitc/ "Mommie Dearest" Mother

2. Abondoned by Dad age 7

3. Went into Foster/Intututions age 11 (Most 25 times due to "behaviour issues" that should have been seen and treated as symptoms from all the abose from mom.

4. Thrown out from system with no support at age 18

5. Dropped out of school, life...

6.Always looking for love and getting in the WORST situations--- (should ahve been dead long b4 now)

7. Emptiness

8. Hate critisism

9. Only feel alive when being complimented, attention, loved

10. Binge eating since I was 7... struggled with weight anf self esteem all my life feeling ugly and fat and hating myself

11. So glad I will be sleeping soon

 

[Temporarilyabsurd]

Many years ago ,a friend ( lost to relocation and preinternetness , well , and BPD I guess )
said :

"I hate this fucking civilization."
I felt a bit ambivalent ...
Don't feel that much ambivalence any more .

From my perspective , society is a mental illness machine.

 

[cosmicpixiedust]

I have BPD (among other things).

Even when I go through my "not suicidal" phases, one could argue that I am. I have had ideations since 8/9. My first suicide attempt was 9 when I tried to hang myself. I have been in treatment since then and still continue taking meds and attempting to do treatment, if anything just to keep my friends and family off my back and to maintain a certain persona.

The final straw that lead me here is that I let a girl I loved very much use me during her prison sentence and then throw me away like trash.

 

[BPD_LE]

Diagnosed BPD 20 years ago. I'm here because treatment hasn't worked. CBT, DBT, EMDR and every psych med you can think of. I tried very hard, but this is unbeatable. I refuse to suffer another 20 years. I'm done.
I know this disorder inside out and lost my friend to it also. Pm me if you think I can help.

 

[Bathsheba]

Yes I've been diagnosed with this, and things are just getting even worse after the diagnosis not better. I'm struggling to see how I even begin to fit in with the rest of the world when the clue's in the name.. 'personality disorder ', meaning I can't relate to people who are 'normal ' and they can't relate to me. I'm just very very tired of this life.
I definitely support any fight against people who don't understand this site and are fighting for it to be banned.

 

[welshie84]

I was diagnosed 5 years ago, but it took an over dose to be heard. I was on anti depressants for years before I got diagnosed. I'm on quetiapine for mood swings, prozac for depression and pregabalin for anxiety.

The cause is childhood trauma , the reason I'm here is because I'm sick of living with this condition. It is so lovely because I have pushed away everybody close to me

 

[KiraLittleOwl]

My favorite person, my only friend and ex-lover is leaving me in the hardest time of my life.
I am falling apart and they don't want to confort me no more. I understand but I don't at the same time. I gave them so much.
I feel pain all the time, I am in cold cosmos and they release my hand, I am floating floating and the blackness will inevitably consume my soul.
My miserable tortured soul.

 

[Rachel74]

Diagnosed 22 years ago and I've fought for so long and I'm slowly giving up my fight. I don't want to die but I can't live like this. This is why I'm here.

 

[BPD_LE]

Diagnosed 22 years ago and I've fought for so long and I'm slowly giving up my fight. I don't want to die but I can't live like this. This is why I'm here.

We're in a very similar situation.

 

[Squiddy]

Diagnosed a few months ago. What brought me here was that, brain fog, bipolar and anxiety

 

[anonbpdgirl]

I have BPD. I can't get any treatment. That's why I'm here.

 

[Rachel74]

We're in a very similar situation.

Always here if you need me

I have BPD. I can't get any treatment. That's why I'm here.

Where are you?

 

[Squiddy]

Diagnosed 22 years ago and I've fought for so long and I'm slowly giving up my fight. I don't want to die but I can't live like this. This is why I'm here.

I also don't want to die, but can't keep living like this and am losing hope

 

[Rachel74]

I also don't want to die, but can't keep living like this and am losing hope

I'm the same, I've tried every combination for drugs going and my last attempt I was going to try ECT but reading about losing memory is also freaking me out. I say to my P Doc that you haven't a clue what to do for me and he says no but we could try CBT! I'm am actually so confused at the moment and it's really scary.

 

[Squiddy]

I'm the same, I've tried every combination for drugs going and my last attempt I was going to try ECT but reading about losing memory is also freaking me out. I say to my P Doc that you haven't a clue what to do for me and he says no but we could try CBT! I'm am actually so confused at the moment and it's really scary.

I would try ECT myself, but I already have a terrible memory from brain fog and don't need it to get any worse

 

[Rachel74]

I would try ECT myself, but I already have a terrible memory from brain fog and don't need it to get any worse

That's why I can't do it, memory is getting worse and worse.

 

[Final Escape]

Wow... yup I can relate with a lot of that.....

1. Born To BPD/Narssicitc/ "Mommie Dearest" Mother

2. Abondoned by Dad age 7

3. Went into Foster/Intututions age 11 (Most 25 times due to "behaviour issues" that should have been seen and treated as symptoms from all the abose from mom.

4. Thrown out from system with no support at age 18

5. Dropped out of school, life...

6.Always looking for love and getting in the WORST situations--- (should ahve been dead long b4 now)

7. Emptiness

8. Hate critisism

9. Only feel alive when being complimented, attention, loved

10. Binge eating since I was 7... struggled with weight anf self esteem all my life feeling ugly and fat and hating myself

11. So glad I will be sleeping soon

Oh god sorry u have had to go through all this. I went through these things too minus the foster care system. But I've learned that it's a disaster for kids in foster care and then once they age out. There's like no support and it's like they expect u to just go on welfare I guess because it can be tough to function in society if u had suffered severe enough neglect and abuse. Instead of setting people up for success from adverse childhood's let's add insult to injury and demoralize them further.

 

[Dawn0071111]

Oh god sorry u have had to go through all this. I went through these things too minus the foster care system. But I've learned that it's a disaster for kids in foster care and then once they age out. There's like no support and it's like they expect u to just go on welfare I guess because it can be tough to function in society if u had suffered severe enough neglect and abuse. Instead of setting people up for success from adverse childhood's let's add insult to injury and demoralize them further.

Hi, yes thanks.... I really think it was the foster care system that really did it... But its okay. I just slipped thru the cracks...... It so sad that there is so much abuse with parents... I really think human need a licence to procreate.

 

[Final Escape]

Hi, yes thanks.... I really think it was the foster care system that really did it... But its okay. I just slipped thru the cracks...... It so sad that there is so much abuse with parents... I really think human need a licence to procreate.

That was why back in the old days parents used to be heavily invested in not allowing young men and women to hook up because of the risk of having unplanned pregnancies or women choosing men unwisely. Basically this was the reasoning for no sex before marriage. Because it's the kids that come into a bad situation who will suffer if the two parents are not responsible or mentally healthy, not ready to commit, etc.

Unfortunately when the state stepped in, they created the welfare system, and undermining of marriage, suddenly women could get knocked up without being married or choosing a man carefully, and the state steps in as the father, and men who work who u don't even know are supporting your illegitimate child through taxation lol! I know I can be kind of dark but it's true. They altered how the genders normally behave.

 

[I'm exhausted]

I'm the same, I've tried every combination for drugs going and my last attempt I was going to try ECT but reading about losing memory is also freaking me out. I say to my P Doc that you haven't a clue what to do for me and he says no but we could try CBT! I'm am actually so confused at the moment and it's really scary.

I was diagnosed with BPD and eight others and the best therapy is the DBT. Dialectical behavioral therapy. There's this thing in it called radical acceptance. It was helpful but I couldn't continue because of my OCD getting in the way. That's why I'm here because I can't get the treatment for my OCD that has left me disabled. I hate my life.

 

[GreyMonkey]

Never diagnosed yet pretty certain this is me.

Extreme attachment to romantic partners. Extreme fear of rejection and abandonment.
Constant sense of emptiness, hollowness and feeling disconnected.
Sexual intensity.
Suicidal thoughts when romantic failure occurs.
Pretty much abandoned developing my career life out of constant yearning for a partner.
Shaky sense of identity and jump ship or self sabotage anytime anything vocational starts going well and entirely change course. Changed so many times in my life I have no idea what I'm doing.

What brought me here was an infatuation with a woman who rejected me yet kept seeing me in a constant cycle of abandonment and reconciliation for a whole year. Totally burnt me out. Developed PTSD symptoms, anxiety, major depression. Lost heaps of weight. Started smoking. Lost friendships. Lost a business. Suffered in my studies. Basically fell apart. And yet I couldn't let her go and I kept going back for more until it finally just exploded. Only times I felt good was with her.

I've been through a lot of therapy this year and had some shifts. And I'm also exhausted and heart broken and while I don't feel heavily suicidal right now (I'm also self medicating with morphine right now) I would so love to die. Can't see how I'm ever going to have what I want - stability, an ongoing love, a career I care about.

I can't seem to care about anything really. I can make friends quite easily and quite a few people seem to like me especially my radical honesty yet truthfully I feel empty inside my heart and don't really care very much about others even though I wish I did.

 

[Final Escape]

I don't want to give up on life even with BPD but I'm terrified of becoming homeless and vulnerable. I'm again thinking I better do this b4 my N goes bad. It's so hard though but I know I'm very damaged and there's no hope of acceptable life for me. I wish I could just do it no thinking too much or fear. There's no reason for me to be here anymore besides to be a waste of life :("

 

[deadalready1969]

I meet the criteria, but because of my lifelong trauma history with a narcissistic father and abusive ex-husband, my therapists and psychiatrists have diagnosed me with PTSD. And major depressive disorder—severe—recurrent, generalized anxiety disorder, ADD. During my last inpatient stay, the hospital therapist there put 'BPD diagnosis deferred' in my record because my outside therapist of many years disagreed with someone who spent 30 minutes with me making that assessment. I don't care what label someone puts on me. I've just wanted to feel better for 35+ years. I've tried it all. I consider myself as having a terminal illness, but since no one will help me die with dignity because mine is a mental health issue and not a physical one, I'm here. Only because my attempt in January failed. Again.