Discussion When did you stop trying to recover?

[red_cardinal]

I've been trying to improve my mental health since 19. I'm 31 now. I'm still miserable with some exception days, when I have fun and feel like life is worth it. But as soon as there are no distractions, I have a void in my soul that nothing so far has been able to fill. I tried the unhealthy solution, primarily alcohol, when I was in my mid-20s. Now 've been sober for some years, and I resist the temptation no matter how tough it is. I've been in various therapies since 21, without making as much progress so as to make a big difference in my daily life.

I struggle with C-PTSD, and next week I'm starting EMDR. I'm neurodivergent. I live in constant depersonalization and derealization, and nothing worked so far for it. I've been dealing with poorer balance and coordination the past 2-3 years, my spine hurts chronically due to past injury and scoliosis, I have open bite and the BIMAX surgery is one hell of a process, not to mention it requires travelling and some hefty money for braces and investigations. To say I'm exhausted is an understatement. I see my reactions and actions being so, so often dictated by my trauma, I live with constant hypervigilance to the point that alone I think threw me in chronic dissociative state. I can no longer hold down a job. etc etc

My patience is running low, and I'm exhauated by these short cycles (they also suspect cyclothimia) of 'hmm, things might look up' and 'nevermind, I just can't be bothered anymore'. The lows of the cycle happen for no reason, and I'm tired of trying, therapist after therapist, self-restraint so I don't hurt others by being inconsiderate. I feel like a burden, and it doesn't seem to get better. I live with guilt and shame in the back of my mind, and nothing seems good enough to help me.

I was wondering... when does this trying becomes madness, running in circles? When did you decide enough was enough? I want to get better, when things are good they really are, but the vast majority of my life has been painful so far.

 

[Dingo23]

I'm 36, turning 37 this year. The madness that you discribe sets in once you feel that there won't be any improvement in the future.
I isolated myself when I was 15. I became better at school. Started university. Then I fucked everything up. (mostly by becoming addicted to porn and videogames, but also because I'm extremely socially awkward). I quit studying and everything went to shit. Went through therapy and a suicide attempt. Then therapy again. Nothing helped, it was just enough for a dead end job with bad pay.

I wish I would find the courage to try suicide again, like in my younger years. But I became a coward.
I want to pull it off so bad. And it's because I can predict that my future will be horrible. In fact, was able to predict my position that I'm in RIGHT NOW when I was 15. When it all began.

If you try to make an honest prediction, how would you say your future will look like? If there is even a slither of hope, you can try to work towards that. If not, you might be very fucked.

 

[Nangijala]

Posting this just to tell you I relate, I'm in my late 20's and been through several therapists, with chronic dissociation to the point where even as a kid I didnt feel like I was human. I honestly feel like humans are just wired to gradually start hoping again, several times I thought: "this is it, now there is finally no need to fight anymore", but then after some time life just pulls at me again and I start at least going through the motions of living like I have a future.

 

[Forveleth]

When my partner recanted his offer for a trial separation and instead threatened me with a messy divorce. Not only do I not want to go through that shit, I also realized killing myself would leave him in a terrible position. So, as recovery would be far worse for me and potentially better for my partner, I gave up trying to get better. I have wanted to be dead since I was 15, my partner finally gave me the last push I needed.

 

[BullsDon'tFly]

Last year I'd say. I've been lightly depressed since late teenage years, I'm 29 now and had two big crises.
First crists at 25, tried to CTB but my family found out about the equipment and the Police brought me to a psych ward, which was not so terrible actually. I took antidepressants and antipsychotics for 3 years, then a few months after interrupting I had the second mental breakdown that completely destroyed my sense of self.
I took antidepressants again to be able to graduate, but this time I have not regained any hope, and I knew it would have been like that. Now I graduated, stopped taking meds and I'm waiting for the whole silenced desperation to re-emerge and push me to kms.
It's a shame since I've got a lot of friends and almost no health problems, but mental health is equally important when it comes to quality of life. Sometimes I wonder if I'm not really mentally ill, just extremely weak and coward, but I don't think it would make a difference...

 

[suncide10]

This year, I'm tired of fighting demons in my head and still feel like shit. Maybe I'll find some strength in the future to try like I did a couple years ago I don't know.

 

[darksouls]

in 2023 I ended up in intensive care unit with sepsis,
I was already severely disabled before the sepsis,
since then I am very weak and I realized that my time is up

 

[ravendrops]

For me it feels like a process. Maybe the grieving process. Bargaining. Anger. Denial. Etc. It feels like my psyche is tottering toward tipping into acceptance.
It's like a gradual shutdown too. Watching the ship systems gradually shut down from the bridge but not having resources or skill to divert reroute repair etc
I dunno. I'm a week away from homeless, I'll be in a shelter at night, but no idea how to get well

 

[angelhopes]

When bad things just started happening to me back to back to the point that I gave up fighting it and I would just wait for it all the time til I finally gain some strength to ctb

 

[DoomedDarkCircles]

Since 2023

 

[deeprootdisease]

i relate so much, unfortunately. I've been in therapy since like 12, but since this February it's been too much for me, idk why, i just got fed up with everything ig. i tried getting help again, but i feel like i simply can't be fixed. there's nothing left to make me whole.

i hope you do find your peace, though. wherever it may be

 

[areagarden]

This year. I've been medicated and in therapy since 15. At a certain point, it just became pointless. Funnily enough accepting suicide as an option has helped more really anything from the past few years. At least I have an answer, which it felt like therapy never could give me.

 

[TwistedNightmares]

A long time ago. I'm in a position where recovery will always be impossible for me. I've accepted that fact.

 

[///]

I never even tried to begin with
severe lack of motivation and I just don't wanna take the time out of my day to talk to someone
that i'd just lie to and then go home and i can't help it

 

[curiousbeing]

I've been trying to improve my mental health since 19. I'm 31 now. I'm still miserable with some exception days, when I have fun and feel like life is worth it. But as soon as there are no distractions, I have a void in my soul that nothing so far has been able to fill.

SO MUCH RELATABLE!!!

I acknowledge that distractions are very powerful . They are main reasons I made it to 30

But yes when there are no distractions and I can't sleep, I feel ... horrible .

I thought it was loneliness , but loneliness , sometimes I think , isn't my root problem . It's some kind of existential crisis . Can't explain it. I am okay with loneliness but it kind of forces me to see void , and void is very scary . But can't describe it. The most accurate word I can use is existential crisis , although I am not religious or spiritual

Like I am all alone in an empty star planet and it terrifies me

Sometimes I wonder if I'm not really mentally ill, just extremely weak and coward, but I don't think it would make a difference...

I relate to this so much!!!

Funnily enough accepting suicide as an option has helped more really anything from the past few years

Yes. One thing that helps me reduce my fear of ctb is to look at ctb without emotions. No fear , no euphoria , no sadness , no happiness. As a matter of factly so to speak . It helps reduce my SI

 

[red_cardinal]

Like I am all alone in an empty star planet and it terrifies me

It feels exactly like this, like falling inwards, inside your own mind, and having your stomach in knots. It does feel like an existential crisis.

 

[youremy]

About 2 weeks ago.

Pretty sure I'm on the spectrum judging by how I behaved in my formative years, and reflecting on how my parents behaved that I was also an accident. My parents didn't spend much time raising me or making sure I grow up to be an independent, self-reliant adult. I couldn't form any meaningful relationship with anyone for longer than a year (due to no fault other than my own - don't want to blame my parents here).

Was a no-life from 9 to 14 years old. Started having severe OCD and anxiety at 17.

Managed to go to uni two years after my peers. Unfortunately, realized during the last year that I'm too stupid for this shit. AI carried me through most of it. But I was just in denial since uni was what motivated me to keep on trying - I spent the year before uni utterly rotting.

I can't hold a job because of my hypervigilance either. It's less so dissociating, more so extremely anxious. I dissociate in a different way - I constantly ruminate and think about things other than what I am doing in front of me. It's to the point that I am much more stupid in the context of getting anything meaningful work done than I should be on paper. I tried a lot of things to fix that, but it formed early on in my childhood as a form of escaping from the environment that surrounded me, so I doubt it's going anywhere.

So - being completely dependent on parents for income, being a piece of garbage without the will to improve, having made mistakes that fill me with shame whenever I see anyone who I know and having no interests in life or enjoyment out of living is what did it for me.

 

[Lemelonade]

When I realized that I wouldn't heal the way I thought I would. I used to believe that my whole life would change once I could accept that pain was part of life. I expected that life would feel more manageable, more joyful, magical even.

But I came to realize that that outlook on life is not achievable for me. Or it is so far out of reach that I would have to work a lot more before I'd be able to change.

I don't know, I just have so much resistance to life on this planet. I've never found a good reason to stay here. That's why I can't accept my struggles and heal my trauma.

 

[katara]

I'm 36, turning 37 this year. The madness that you discribe sets in once you feel that there won't be any improvement in the future.
I isolated myself when I was 15. I became better at school. Started university. Then I fucked everything up. (mostly by becoming addicted to porn and videogames, but also because I'm extremely socially awkward). I quit studying and everything went to shit. Went through therapy and a suicide attempt. Then therapy again. Nothing helped, it was just enough for a dead end job with bad pay.

I wish I would find the courage to try suicide again, like in my younger years. But I became a coward.
I want to pull it off so bad. And it's because I can predict that my future will be horrible. In fact, was able to predict my position that I'm in RIGHT NOW when I was 15. When it all began.

If you try to make an honest prediction, how would you say your future will look like? If there is even a slither of hope, you can try to work towards that. If not, you might be very fucked.

15 for me as well, been living the same day every day since then

 

[itsgone2]

A long time ago. I'm in a position where recovery will always be impossible for me. I've accepted that fact.

I'm also in a spot I can't recover from. In many ways I don't care. But I'm leaving someone behind. And I haven't been able to kms yet, despite trying. It's awful. Trapped.

It's like a gradual shutdown too. Watching the ship systems gradually shut down from the bridge but not having resources or skill to divert reroute repair etc

Beautifully written. A shame to think this person would be homeless soon. I'm so sorry your life has led you here

 

[red_cardinal]

About 2 weeks ago.

Pretty sure I'm on the spectrum judging by how I behaved in my formative years, and reflecting on how my parents behaved that I was also an accident. My parents didn't spend much time raising me or making sure I grow up to be an independent, self-reliant adult. I couldn't form any meaningful relationship with anyone for longer than a year (due to no fault other than my own - don't want to blame my parents here).

Was a no-life from 9 to 14 years old. Started having severe OCD and anxiety at 17.

Managed to go to uni two years after my peers. Unfortunately, realized during the last year that I'm too stupid for this shit. AI carried me through most of it. But I was just in denial since uni was what motivated me to keep on trying - I spent the year before uni utterly rotting.

I can't hold a job because of my hypervigilance either. It's less so dissociating, more so extremely anxious. I dissociate in a different way - I constantly ruminate and think about things other than what I am doing in front of me. It's to the point that I am much more stupid in the context of getting anything meaningful work done than I should be on paper. I tried a lot of things to fix that, but it formed early on in my childhood as a form of escaping from the environment that surrounded me, so I doubt it's going anywhere.

So - being completely dependent on parents for income, being a piece of garbage without the will to improve, having made mistakes that fill me with shame whenever I see anyone who I know and having no interests in life or enjoyment out of living is what did it for me.

I could've written this, 90% of it describes my life. My mind is also in rumination mode when doing anything, I'm rarely 'in the moment', which only makes reality feel like a trance besides the DP/DR I'm always in. I used to have quite severe tics and OCD behaviors, repetitive rituals when I was about 6, now they're gone for the most part.

But the most painful part is the parents situation. I was emotionally negletcted, not taught basic life things but expected to magically know them, I was either evil or an amazing child to my mom, no in-between, I was invisible, would play on my own, and basically left to my own devices. My teeth issue, the open bite and crooked teeth, was overlooked, neurodivergence was met with anger and I didn't receive proper care or support, my scoliosis was also ignored, mental health issues even more dismissed or ignored.

I'm really sorry your story is so similar to mine, and I wish you all the best

 

[youremy]

I could've written this, 90% of it describes my life. My mind is also in rumination mode when doing anything, I'm rarely 'in the moment', which only makes reality feel like a trance besides the DP/DR I'm always in. I used to have quite severe tics and OCD behaviors, repetitive rituals when I was about 6, now they're gone for the most part.

But the most painful part is the parents situation. I was emotionally negletcted, not taught basic life things but expected to magically know them, I was either evil or an amazing child to my mom, no in-between, I was invisible, would play on my own, and basically left to my own devices. My teeth issue, the open bite and crooked teeth, was overlooked, neurodivergence was met with anger and I didn't receive proper care or support, my scoliosis was also ignored, mental health issues even more dismissed or ignored.

I'm really sorry your story is so similar to mine, and I wish you all the best

I have memories quite early on of being berated for not helping out at home, and rightly so. Except when I was finally asked to vacuum the house, both my parents sat on the couch to watch and ensure I did it correctly.

Then my mother screamed that I'm doing it as if I have some sort of cerebral palsy. I asked "how do you expect me to do it right when it's literally the first time I'm attempting it?"

I ended up just having no chores since my dad did no cleaning in the house, and my mom would rather have them be "done right" instead of done by me.

I relate to the "being either an amazing child or evil" to one's mother so much. Except after her divorce when she had to juggle going between two countries 1000 km apart and left me with my absolutely horrible, manipulative grandmother as a caretaker - then she was super sweet to me, just to distract me from the nightmare of a situation I was in.

I didn't have the OCD symptoms when I was younger, it was much more so me being "invisible" like you said - I spent time alone in the school yard, away in the fantasy world of my imagination, somewhere hidden in the corner away from the other kids. Usually the one friend I had (which rotated on a yearly basis) would be there with me, other times I'd play catch with some of the other outcasts (using that term here only to paint an image of what we were like to the others in the school yard).

Funnily enough all of the other outcasts turned out relatively fine when it comes to understanding how the world works and focusing on the right things to support themselves in time. After I came back to my home country alcohol (which was much harder to get as an underage abroad) became a groundbreaking discovery for me. I repeated the same mistakes relationship-wise as before, though, and at 16-17 realized that despite a completely new environment and "second chance" I managed to fuck everything up again. That's when the anxiety and OCD kicked in. My brain was in panic mode to gain back control.

And now you could say uni was my third shot. Unfortunately, you don't change as a person from one day to the next. The amount of highly intelligent people I've met who've made me realize time and time again that I never outgrew my toxic, selfish mindset has made me just want to end it all (and stop being in denial)

 

[red_cardinal]

I have memories quite early on of being berated for not helping out at home, and rightly so. Except when I was finally asked to vacuum the house, both my parents sat on the couch to watch and ensure I did it correctly.

Then my mother screamed that I'm doing it as if I have some sort of cerebral palsy. I asked "how do you expect me to do it right when it's literally the first time I'm attempting it?"

I ended up just having no chores since my dad did no cleaning in the house, and my mom would rather have them be "done right" instead of done by me.

I relate to the "being either an amazing child or evil" to one's mother so much. Except after her divorce when she had to juggle going between two countries 1000 km apart and left me with my absolutely horrible, manipulative grandmother as a caretaker - then she was super sweet to me, just to distract me from the nightmare of a situation I was in.

I didn't have the OCD symptoms when I was younger, it was much more so me being "invisible" like you said - I spent time alone in the school yard, away in the fantasy world of my imagination, somewhere hidden in the corner away from the other kids. Usually the one friend I had (which rotated on a yearly basis) would be there with me, other times I'd play catch with some of the other outcasts (using that term here only to paint an image of what we were like to the others in the school yard).

Funnily enough all of the other outcasts turned out relatively fine when it comes to understanding how the world works and focusing on the right things to support themselves in time. After I came back to my home country alcohol (which was much harder to get as an underage abroad) became a groundbreaking discovery for me. I repeated the same mistakes relationship-wise as before, though, and at 16-17 realized that despite a completely new environment and "second chance" I managed to fuck everything up again. That's when the anxiety and OCD kicked in. My brain was in panic mode to gain back control.

And now you could say uni was my third shot. Unfortunately, you don't change as a person from one day to the next. The amount of highly intelligent people I've met who've made me realize time and time again that I never outgrew my toxic, selfish mindset has made me just want to end it all (and stop being in denial)

Firstly, thank you for sharing all this. It must have been terrible, and your upbringing clearly left deep scars. I want to stress this out -- it is NOT your fault, you are not selfish or toxic. Our caregivers' treatment towards us can mess us up so much, dictating out reactions, conditioning our emotional responses etc. These things are so, so challenging to overcome when they've been occurring all our childhood, then into adolescence and adult life. So, please do not blame yourself for 'messing up' college and the fresh starts. We are wired in a chaotic way when we deal with toxic treatment from our parents, and overcoming it takes years or even a lifetime of hard work.

I'm really sorry you're struggling, and I hope you'll find peace, one way or another. What you shared is very painful and relatable. I was the same in school, living in my own head. I still struggle with maladaptive daydreaming, though I resort to it more rarely nowadays, usually when I'm dealing with unpredictable or stressful days. My grandma who mostly raised me until 12 was also manipulative, and she struggled with mental health issues that made living with her feel unsafe.

Take care

 

[Deer_Dairy]

I feel you... I started to feel depressed and sometimes depersonalised when I was like 16-17 and it is with me to this day. It is 20 years living with this shit. Sometimes it gets better. The longest period of normal life lasted for like 3 years. Normal life... it felt great. But before and after this, it was changing from month to month with periods of "downs" lasting for months or even year or two. Last time I almost did it and was accidentaly saved by terrible amount of illegal drugs I was consuming through week-long party I threw as farewell party for few of my friends (the did not know it is farewell, of course). What an irony. But my life is going downhill again rn.

But for your situation - is there a ketamine therapy available in your country? Here we have it accessible for people who will not get better by ordinary medication and it has quite good results. Statistics say it will help 60-80 % of people, which is amazing number. Maybe you can try it.