Discussion When did you first find out you wanted to CTB?

[guineapiglover8503]

For me, I was 12 or so and a friend started picking on me and calling me slurs and began to bully me relentlessly. Awhile later, I hear about suicide from him and the idea stuck with me. Since then I've gone down a few rabbit holes and have sometimes met likeminded people. Recently I've been drafting a note but I've been struggling to find what to put into it, so I've just been writing my related thoughts and feelings.

 

[crimsonsflower]

my first time considering was also at 12. a rapidly deteriorating home life and worsening avoidant tendencies was a recipe for disaster and my parents didn't even really care that i was suffering and just called me selfish for thoughts that i had that i didn't even fully comprehend at that point. needless to say it never got better. i struggled connecting with people (still do) and every time i think i've pulled myself out of this hole, something happens that causes me to fall down even further and harder than last.

 

[LunarLight]

I was 10 and started feeling depressed. The idea of suicide came not very long afterwards.
I was 10 and started feeling depressed. The idea of suicide came not very long afterwards.

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case I've never wished for existence, something I see as cruel, painful and torturous as existence that just causes all this endless suffering could never be desirable to me, I personally see existence as the most horrific, terrible tragedy that causes so much harm and just torments existing beings, personally I'm just not meant for any of this as well and I find it a burden to simply be conscious in this existence. All I hope and wish for is to never exist again, I just wish for non-existence to take away my suffering and finally bring me peace, I'd always prefer to not exist no matter what, under no circumstances would I wish to suffer for potentially decades longer just to be tortured and tormented by extreme old age.

 

[coffeebeany]

I must have been 6 or 7 years old. It's one of my earlier memories but a very clear one. We used to live in a condo on the 6th floor. I was sitting on the windowsill (windows closed ofc) felling miserable and sad. I was thinking that if I only fell down everything would end - although I really can't say what "it" was. Today I think that I didn't respond to a singular/isulated incidet but rather the dysfunctional and distressing environment and people (parents etc.) I grew up in. The thought of suicide has never left me but has been a constant throughout my miserable childhood and adolescence. I was 9 years old the first time I tried to overdose on my brothers ADHD medication. It didn't work and nobody really figured (I do remember that my mother was very annoyed that she had to take me to a doctor because I problem with my circulatory system) that my symptoms stemmed from a failed OD. I have had depression, anxiety and PTSD all my life and its also manifested in my body in painful ways. On the other hand, I have met a wonderful, kind and loving partner (13 years ago when we were both still at school) who I do love and wonderful friends I call family. This makes it very hard to take the final step although I know it will come that eventually. It pains me to cause them pain. But suicide is very ingrainded within my body and mind.

 

[ebg]

I made my first planned out attempt only earlier this year, when I felt like there was no "goodness", "truth", or fairness in life and that people take credit for what their brain does automatically for them. I also kept seeing the worst in everyone and everything.

 

[etherealspring]

about 11 or 12. wasnt caused by a particular life event, just had no interest in living and didnt see myself having a future. i still feel the same now

 

[redkitsune98]

13yo gay boy goes to church and the pastor preaches all gays deserve hell... you know where this story goes

 

[anopenwound]

Started thinking about it around 11,12. Actually looked into it a 16. Half attempted at 19. Been on my mind ever since.

 

[We Are Angels]

I was in third grade when I first started having suicide ideation. So I was either 8 or 9 years old.

 

[ctbsd24]

When I was 10. I tried hanging myself with a bath robe belt from a post on my bed. Prolly wasn't the brightest idea I've ever had lol.

 

[SixNeufUn]

11-12 when it all started. I started isolating myself for the past years. (Honestly it was much because of my mother that kept me at home and other's children(it was understandable tho, I was hurting myself too much outside so my mother made everything to keep me home so... pc and playstation(I am still curious how I didn't fucking die. I have a few near death experiences like that)) then discovered another side of internet outside moviestarplanet and YouTube

 

[BoredNTired]

When i was 12 or 13 I kind of realized how I would end up dying. Kinda tried for the first time with an extension cord made into a noose in 6th or 7th grade but my fan was wobbly, I was scared, and the noose was awful, so i chickened out, though I cycled through more plans and attempts for a bit. No specific reason for it, I was just tired and would rather not continute to live a net negative un-enjoyable life. Since then quality of living and my overall situation has steadily declined affirming my decision. Only suprise was that I thought I would be able to wait till 21 to buy a gun, but I'm a lot more impatient than I thought, as I'd prefer to ctb early.

 

[uniqueusername22]

ever since i was eight. i dont know where i got the idea, i just knew it was something id end up doing eventually

 

[vampire2002]

11 is the first time i seriously considered it. i was being abused at home. i hated leaving school, hated weekends, because school was my only escape.

 

[iloveeetreeeess1]

when I was 7 and very feminine for a boy, and also very sensitive, the perfect target for friends and family to make fun of

 

[NoRespawn]

when my 2nd grade crush didnt like me back :(

 

[sinivihrea]

sometime in elementary school, so 4-7 years old. one of my earliest memories is wedging myself in the smallest spots possible and praying for Jesus to kill me :) also trying to get one of my dad's box cutters to go through my wrists more than once until i gave up lmao. figure they were dull, which is why he just tossed them wherever and didn't care if they went missing.

 

[gojosatoru28]

my first time considering was also at 12. a rapidly deteriorating home life and worsening avoidant tendencies was a recipe for disaster and my parents didn't even really care that i was suffering and just called me selfish for thoughts that i had that i didn't even fully comprehend at that point. needless to say it never got better. i struggled connecting with people (still do) and every time i think i've pulled myself out of this hole, something happens that causes me to fall down even further and harder than last.

I feel you

when I was 7 and very feminine for a boy, and also very sensitive, the perfect target for friends and family to make fun of

Wanna know more

 

[lv-nii]

I was 13 years old when my dad died. I was present during all that time, it is still hard for me to remember him, bedridden from that stroke. It left me in shock for the first few days, I didn't cry until the funeral. I even fainted after the cremation process, my grades were dropping too. At 14 I had my first attempt with a tie, full suspension, but my SI kicked in. To this day, the idea of longing to cease to exist still lingers.

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