When are you the most suicidal ?

[11April]

Almost any failure, even the smallest one, reminds me that if I were dead, this wouldn't have happened. But most of all, I want to die, when I compare my present with my happy past.

 

[singingcrow]

in the morning or when i see a lot of happy people around me because i don't know why i can't be happy like them

 

[kk13]

When i wake up and realise that this is my life. The rest of the day i dont feel anything i just have suicide on my mind.

 

[somethingisntreal]

For me, sleepless nights are an indicator of my increasing SI. I had been getting good sleep for a while but I haven't slept over 4h in the last week or so. I lie awake at night begging for my thoughts to stop once again. Wish I had a gun to paint the walls with my brain mush.

 

[metfan647]

Waking up, feeling physical pain. Waking up from an afternoon nap seems to be worse than waking up in the morning. It's that added disorientation of briefly not knowing what time of day it is and the feeling of being useless.

If I ponder on my life choices, I can get some good suicide fuel. Having a look on social media at former school friends and what they've become.

 

[death_by_life]

For me it's the evenings I find hardest. To get through them I usually drink

Yes... usually it starts mid-afternoon, and gets worse as the day ends. I come from a long line of champion alcoholics, but never really got into drinking until the last few years. I try to be careful how often I do it, but I'm definitely slowly heading down the path of using it as an escape.

If I ponder on my life choices, I can get some good suicide fuel. Having a look on social media at former school friends and what they've become.

Also this. Though for me it's seeing what other professionals in my field are doing. They have successful businesses that allow them to do more continuing education, meanwhile I'm over here two months late with rent and stuck with the same knowledge and skills I started with five years ago. Also no partner, no social life, and I'm becoming my parents, which is truly revolting. I definitely want to die before I start hallucinating and thinking "they're" out to get me.

 

[metfan647]

Yes... usually it starts mid-afternoon, and gets worse as the day ends. I come from a long line of champion alcoholics, but never really got into drinking until the last few years. I try to be careful how often I do it, but I'm definitely slowly heading down the path of using it as an escape.


Also this. Though for me it's seeing what other professionals in my field are doing. They have successful businesses that allow them to do more continuing education, meanwhile I'm over here two months late with rent and stuck with the same knowledge and skills I started with five years ago. Also no partner, no social life, and I'm becoming my parents, which is truly revolting. I definitely want to die before I start hallucinating and thinking "they're" out to get me.

I relate. I see so much of my father's traits in me the more I age. It's awful.

 

[death_by_life]

I relate. I see so much of my father's traits in me the more I age. It's awful.

OMG it's terrifying. Literally terrifying. I can give myself a panic attack if I think about it for too long. And it doesn't really seem like I can prevent it. The only things I've been able to do differently are not have children (because *I* shouldn't be here to begin with and I wasn't going to inflict that upon another person), and to not depend on a partnership for survival. Everything else is lining up the same no matter what I do. It's just not fair.

 

[Macedonian1987]

I'm most suicidal in the morning after I have been woken up after a good dream.

My darkest moments occur in the morning when a good dream ends. It is devastating to dream of health and affection, only to be pulled back into a body defined by chronic pain and a life where love has felt entirely out of reach

 

[Defatigatis]

When i think of my country context

 

[kuroshimi]

Uhh... not sure actually. Always? But I think I am most suicidal at evening and nights when I stay alone with my thoughts. In morning and throughout the day I mostly feel fine, but sometimes thoughts enter my mind at any time.

 

[metfan647]

OMG it's terrifying. Literally terrifying. I can give myself a panic attack if I think about it for too long. And it doesn't really seem like I can prevent it. The only things I've been able to do differently are not have children (because *I* shouldn't be here to begin with and I wasn't going to inflict that upon another person), and to not depend on a partnership for survival. Everything else is lining up the same no matter what I do. It's just not fair.

Likewise! Abstained from having kids and at middle age now. My brother has too and he's a bit older. Natural selection is seeing an end to this bloodline at least hah.

When you say similarities though, how do you mean? I've taken my mum's neurotic side and my father's misanthropy and fear of life. If I undereat and lose quite a bit of weight I start looking like my dad in the face too which makes matters worse ha.

 

[Fresh Soju]

In the evening or at night as I am alone most of the time, but the suffocating feeling of loneliness gets extra bad by then.

 

[death_by_life]

Likewise! Abstained from having kids and at middle age now. My brother has too and he's a bit older. Natural selection is seeing an end to this bloodline at least hah.

When you say similarities though, how do you mean? I've taken my mum's neurotic side and my father's misanthropy and fear of life. If I undereat and lose quite a bit of weight I start looking like my dad in the face too which makes matters worse ha.

Yeah, also middle-aged, and neither of my older brothers have kids, either. This bloodline shouldn't have gotten past my parents, but at least I can stop the generational trauma here!

From my mother, I've inherited the utter lack of ability to be happy with literally anything, self-loathing, and general negativity, as well as the sense that no matter what I do it's just not enough. From my father, I got paranoia, a really wicked temper, and expert-level guilt at not working hard enough to amount to anything. I also look more like him, which, while I'm female and identify as such, means I have a more boyish appearance. When I was a kid I was teased (for a lot of things, but mostly) because they didn't know if I was a boy or a girl. I had no control over my clothing or hair, so I looked like a boy. I think that's super empowering if one wants to look that way, but I didn't. Bonus though - I don't have any connection to my body anymore!