Discussion What's stopping you from going through with ctb?

[whatever1111]

Terror. I need painless and instant.

I feel you...just trying to browse this forum to find a way freaks me out, after 3o minutes I'm exhausted…
I wish I managed to do it a month ago on an impulse

 

[cozy]

Conscious: haven't determined the best method
Subconscious: scared / deep down don't want to die*
* But I know my future is going to complete shit so I need to overcome the fear and sadness that the game is over

Pretty much this for me, too. I'm like "I want to die, just don't know how", but I'm too scared of pain/ending as a vegetable. Also I still want to watch lots of anime/next GoT season and other stuff and I'm not at this needed threshold anymore, I guess. I do think about all this shit almost every day, though.

Dunno. It sucks and fucks with the mind, lol.

 

[Autumn Winter]

My mom and sisters, I can't leave them yet.

 

[favourite]

My mom, she doesn't deserve this. Although I've never been the best child and she doesn't have many reasons to be proud of me, she always shows me her unconditional love. Wish I could show it more too.

 

[FaceOfSilence]

At this point? Quite literally not being able to figure out the carotids, trying something new every night, but not even close, and it's definitely not doubts or fear

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

I feel you...just trying to browse this forum to find a way freaks me out, after 3o minutes I'm exhausted…
I wish I managed to do it a month ago on an impulse

Amen.

 

[Roberto]

My cats. I don't have a plan to avoid their stress if I'm gone. They are not use, like me, of contact with other people.
I don't want to see them old and die, but I can't leave them live the trauma of changing the home and to have to adapt to other people.
Also I'm afraid of death right now. Nothing that I think I can overcome when is the right time (with a bit of alcohol & some sedatives can make me brave).

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

My cats. I don't have a plan to avoid their stress if I'm gone. They are not use, like me, of contact with other people.
I don't want to see them old and die, but I can't leave them live the trauma of changing the home and to have to adapt to other people.

For what it's worth, I respect that, having made a commitment to other living things dependent on you, you want to be there for them. I want to adopt a rat but realize I couldn't leave while he/she still lived. Wish you peace.

 

[AhG]

Honestly, it's my wife. I want her to come back but I know she won't... I think she'll come back and then I think she won't and that makes me want to do even more but then it's the same cycle.

 

[Jacquelyn]

I'm scared of what happens after we die.

Lucky for you (and me, since I have the same fear), there's people that have died and came back to life. Some people say they just feel disappointed at what they haven't achieved in life. Some people say it's absolute bliss. Some people say it's fearful. Go research some experiences yourself.
The truth is, we as humans have a way of thinking that doesn't mentally allow us to understand some things. Creation of the universe and what happens after death are two examples.
We may not understand the beginning or the end, but we understand the present.
If your method involves something like hanging (any form) I imagine you'll have brain function while unconscious, but it'll quickly slow as you brain begins to shut down. Then after that... There's no activity. There's no thoughts to be had. It's just like being asleep forever.
Like I said, it's one of those things that are impossible for us to understand as humans. The closest comparison we have is being asleep without dreaming. You don't realize it's happening. But it's eternal.

It's best to answer concepts like these with simple, but logical answers. It's the best we humans can do to explain these unanswerable questions without driving ourselves into delusional panic.

 

[Korrok]

Fear of the pain and other discomforts involved in the dying process, and the trauma it would cause to my friends and family. My mom would be utterly devastated. I don't think she'd ever be able to experience happiness again. My brother would take it very hard too. He'd move on eventually, but it would be harsh. It feels like I'm only prolonging my existence so that others won't be hurt by my death, but I don't know how much longer I can keep it up.

 

[Leafs1201]

That's an impossible ultimatum you were given. Can you write them letters? I don't know how old they are. Ex needs to not intercept It as it sounds like she's alienating them. A letter for them each would give you the chance to express your love and commitment.
My ex left me and my son. It took time for me to come round although I never ever used little one against him. Anger does go in the end and I hope your Ex comes round. She is without question influencing the kids' view of you and their view of your love for them.
I learnt that you have to use the nice approach even if you want to punch them in the face. Could you write to your Ex also. Tell her how sorry you are for the hurt in a confident non grovelling but sincere way. Explain how much you want to see your children. Make it as nice as possible but be assertive. She probably wants to punish you indefinitely for this so you have to play the game.

I know when you feel so low it's hard to find the strength. I know your kids will love you they are just angry. If the nice approach does not work then threaten action if you have the strength. I wouldn't pull that card until you've exhausted all options.

You had an affair, so what. People do much worse and she will have to just get over it. Stop punishing yourself. There is so much hope there, you just may have to play the long game.
I think the letters are definitely the best option at the moment. Hope there is a way of getting them to the children / they are old enough to read them.

I sent the children letters yesterday and then had the ex wife on the phone screaming at me to stop sending them letters as they don't want to know me, the children are a daughter that will be 21 in May and boy/girl twins that will be 11 in May, I'm kinda convinced that this will never get better for me unless I just jump off of Beachy Head and kill myself, I don't know anything about my children anymore, almost forgotten what they sound like and have no say in anything other than paying nearly £400 per month for them when they don't want to see me.

 

[blankpain]

1. Cant get/afford the things for a painless method
2. For some reason I keep telling myself things will get better even though they wont

 

[Redt2go]

2. For some reason I keep telling myself things will get better even though they wont

 

[anxietywhisper]

I haven't 100% decided on my method yet, and I feel guilty about leaving my little girl.

 

[Rad Aiko]

Survival instinct... The fear of failure and kept alive as a vegetable...
I'm afraid my mom suicide after me...

And most strong reason that stops me is my baby cat... my heart breaks when I thought him reaching me, calling me... missing me...

 

[CTB-London]

I fear the impact on my family but i'm coming round to the fact that the misery of living is greater for me.

 

[Cookiedough8956]

Survival instinct... The fear of failure and kept alive as a vegetable...
I'm afraid my mom suicide after me...

And most strong reason that stops me is my baby cat... my heart breaks when I thought him reaching me, calling me... missing me...

.
Wow nearly the same situation except my bf will prob kill himself after me. :(
Im also scared of beimg paralyzed. Thats the last thing i need!

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

And most strong reason that stops me is my baby cat... my heart breaks when I thought him reaching me, calling me... missing me...

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!! (Looking for keys to drive to local animal shelter for lots of cuddles.)

 

[JustAboutDone]

For what it's worth, I respect that, having made a commitment to other living things dependent on you, you want to be there for them. I want to adopt a rat but realize I couldn't leave while he/she still lived. Wish you peace.

I love rats they are amazing. It sort of makes me sad when people put up LD of medicines as I know the rats have had to die and they are so smart and have amazing boot button shiny eyes

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

1. Cant get/afford the things for a painless method.

Imagine if, underground organizations already existing, there were a sliding-scale fund to help people who are ready to leave but don't have the financial resources... I think this is manageable.

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

I love rats they are amazing. It sort of makes me sad when people put up LD of medicines as I know the rats have had to die and they are so smart and have amazing boot button shiny eyes

Yes x 10^6!

 

[SunSetsForever]

Terror. I need painless and instant.

This.

And an amazing wife, who deserves better than a suicidal husband.

And a set timeline I've given myself to complete my dream goals. Hefty ones that are very unlikely to be completed in 5 years time. We'll see.

To me, life just isn't worth living unless you're getting to decide how you live it. Though, in many ways, I already feel dead, and it's my corpse that's giving my dreams one last try before decomposing.

 

[blankpain]

Imagine if, underground organizations already existing, there were a sliding-scale fund to help people who are ready to leave but don't have the financial resources... I think this is manageable.

That would be so awesome

 

[Volomori83]

For me right now, I'm physically ready to go but I seem to need an understand what is happening to me physically and medically as I die using my chosen method (partial). For some reason, during attempts, my brain whirls with questions about what's happening to me; how long until I lose consciousness? How long until I die? What parts of my body with die first and when? Will I feel anything (even while unconscious)? Will I struggle? The list goes on and on.

It's frustrating because in every other respect I'm ready.

 

[Into The Wild]

I too am trying to fix things. As I have said before I am trying to get into a specific art school that I nearly got into when I peaked in life (around age 18)...But I am far off getting there at the moment. My thoughts are if I get in there I will be able to like who I see in the mirror. It won't make the pain and what I have lost any less. But it might make it more bearable. Confidence would certainly improve. I am trying.

 

[Volomori83]

For me right now, I'm physically ready to go but I seem to need an understand what is happening to me physically and medically as I die using my chosen method (partial). For some reason, during attempts, my brain whirls with questions about what's happening to me; how long until I lose consciousness? How long until I die? What parts of my body with die first and when? Will I feel anything (even while unconscious)? Will I struggle? The list goes on and on.

It's frustrating because in every other respect I'm ready.

If anyone has any advice/facts they could give on any of those questions, I will be eternally grateful. The sooner this existence ends for me the better.

 

[ManWithNoName]

I have a method that will work but I'm scared of what happens after we die. I don't want to be alive, the pain of everything that's happened is too much but I can't get over the fear.

I'm still trying to diecde on a method that is reliable - I don't want to fuck it up. If I carry out ctb I want to do so in europe which means finding a reliable, minimal pain method.

That plus I do use the three day rule as explained in lostallhope.com.

 

[Jolene40]

I sent the children letters yesterday and then had the ex wife on the phone screaming at me to stop sending them letters as they don't want to know me, the children are a daughter that will be 21 in May and boy/girl twins that will be 11 in May, I'm kinda convinced that this will never get better for me unless I just jump off of Beachy Head and kill myself, I don't know anything about my children anymore, almost forgotten what they sound like and have no say in anything other than paying nearly £400 per month for them when they don't want to see me.

I understand your utter despair. I am about to lose care of my son because of my poor health. He is the only reason I have kept fighting.
It's very cruel and unfair my friend. I hope so much your Ex comes round and stops acting like this.

 

[Boochky]

What's stopping me are the kids in my bf's family. I don't want to hurt them.

If I tried and failed, my bf would probably break up with me. I need to be partnered and can't look for someone again. And it would really devastate him. He'd be angry. I live with him now so I'd be in the psych ward with nowhere to live after.