Discussion What would you be giving up?

[madeincruddy]

While I have no plans to CTB anytime soon, any sort of suicidal ideation always leads to me thinking about what I'd want to do before I die. What would actually leave me satisfied.

Ever since I was a preteen, I've wanted to make a game. Most likely a visual novel. All my story concepts have been about deeply troubled people, pulling from my own experiences growing up into the maladjusted thing I am today. I feel like I'm able to relate to people most on the topic of mental illness, and I wanted to make something as candid and frank as possible. Not to revel in the misery, just to show it for what it is, you know? I'm drawn to that, and that's what I wanna make for other people. I try to temper my expectations, I don't think anything I make would get crazy popular, I'd just hope the right people would find it so they can enjoy it. My devotion to art has been one of the main things keeping me alive for this long, I think if I hadn't set this goal for myself I'd be dead already. My love for my characters is so intense, I feel bad 'giving up' on them. Maybe it's weird, haha.

Of course, I want to be here for my boyfriend. I'm his first girlfriend, and I don't want to break his heart like that. Even if we haven't been dating for long, I either want to live long enough to see our relationship run its course or grow into something more. He deserves that. I can't help but feel guilty for being suicidal.

There's a lot more things I'd like to do, these are just what's personally most important to me. Giving them up is unfathomably painful. If I ever manage to publish a game, and if my current relationship ends, that's my 'right' time to die.

I'd like to hear from other people. Whether or not you'll be staying alive to see your dreams through, what would you like to do before you die?

 

[woodlandcreature]

i already gave up on all my dreams and don't have people in my life other than a family that hates and abuses me. there's nothing left.

 

[mjolnir]

Well, I think I've already done a lot of things that were once my dreams. I've had relationships, been disappointed, but I've overcome them. I found something that could help people in some way, but I was also disappointed by that in some way. I've fulfilled other dreams, traveled, hiked, climbed, made great jumps from great heights, jumped off buildings, bridges, and airplanes. What I can say is that today I have a great fog that prevents me from dreaming, but if I had to choose something, it would still be to achieve great things in even more extreme places. And well, suicidal thoughts have always been with me, even while experiencing happiness.

 

[TwistedNightmares]

The only person I would be giving up is my gf. She is the only person in the world who truly loves me for who I am. My hopes and dreams died years ago, and the rest of my family is estranged from me (except for my mom). They don't give a shit about my existence. I don't have a good relationship with mom, either. I just receive emotional neglect and abuse daily from her, which makes my life a living hell.

 

[OOUUneverover]

nothing really. There's stuff I'd like to do but I don't really a have a really strong desire to do anything.

It would be nice to climb a mountain, lie down, and die of hypothermia. I like mountains.

 

[madeincruddy]

It would be nice to climb a mountain, lie down, and die of hypothermia. I like mountains.

I hadn't even thought of what my ideal resting place would be before now. Maybe somewhere soft? I'd just like to lie down and sink into the Earth. It's comforting to know we at least have some agency over what happens to us if we make the decision to die.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

when i think about it logically i don't want to do anything in this evil life or this evil world

the things i should be doing is working to get my suicide method and plan decided and ready to go. and then doing it suiciding.

 

[Archness]

Before, I would've said I'd miss out on all this media and playing all these games. Though, with my NEET life, I basically spend all day playing games, watching YT, and some other things. I could still say I'd "miss out" on those things, but staying alive just for that stuff just sounds pretty dumb and petty of me. I mean, aren't I keeping myself alive just to distract and escape this kind of life I'm stuck with, then?

I do want to keep "The Possibility" of recovering and turning my life around. However as days pass and I become a little wiser and more informed, it's just more clear that it won't happen. I wouldn't miss out on much, given my life won't be much period, due to my disability. But I always wanted to write something at least a little notable, or create an open-source game project for others to play and build on.

My actual capability to focus and work on those things are quite limited. Even genuinely spending a whole day, I end up with almost no progress made because I'm too slow. But even then, sometimes, I make a tiny amount of progress for those goals, maybe a bit similar to you and your art & game project?

I guess I can say I'd miss out on creating anything at all. That's something, as I can't really say I have a life at all to "Give Up".

 

[Lost Impact]

realistically, i'd be giving up nothing because i don't have any real ties to this existence. i have nothing going forward and everyday i lose another reason that was keeping me going and even if i have a friend that says they care, they will eventually leave too. everyone always does.

delusionally, i just want to experience genuine happiness just Once without repercussion from higher powers making that impossible for me. i'm not allowed to enjoy myself because bad things always happen immediately after. i would like, just once, for that not to happen.

maybe i sound stupid though.

 

[madeincruddy]

I do want to keep "The Possibility" of recovering and turning my life around. However as days pass and I become a little wiser and more informed, it's just more clear that it won't happen. I wouldn't miss out on much, given my life won't be much period, due to my disability.

Mhm. It's hard for me to get over the fact that these are the cards I've been dealt. No matter how much things around me improve, I'll always be sick, and the way I experience life will be dampened by that. I try to be optimistic, tell myself it's useless to wonder about my 'potential' life without illness, be it mental or physical, but it doesn't make it feel any less unfair. Of course, I'll still pray that this world can make space for us to live. I have my moments, but I'm still the type to cling onto hope

But I always wanted to write something at least a little notable, or create an open-source game project for others to play and build on.

My actual capability to focus and work on those things are quite limited. Even genuinely spending a whole day, I end up with almost no progress made because I'm too slow. But even then, sometimes, I make a tiny amount of progress for those goals, maybe a bit similar to you and your art & game project?

I think I can somewhat understand the feeling. For me, having untreated ADHD for most of my life has royally fucked me over in a number of ways, even in the 'personal fulfillment' department. I was fortunate enough to be prescribed stimulant medication sometime last year, but without it, I'm pretty much useless. It just felt like there was this thick, invisible fog between my eyes, brain, and whatever was in front of me that prevented me from doing even the things I wanted to do. Medication saved me in that regard, but it can only help so much when your brain's so scrambled. And you're right, my progress on my own projects is very gradual. To be honest, I don't even have the writing or illustration skills to even tackle a VN right now. I basically just have concepts that I throw around in my brain all day, fantasizing about the day it'll be something more. Somehow, it's enough to keep me going.

I don't know your specific circumstances, though, so I acknowledge your situation might be totally different. By any means, I hope you find your way.

realistically, i'd be giving up nothing because i don't have any real ties to this existence. i have nothing going forward and everyday i lose another reason that was keeping me going and even if i have a friend that says they care, they will eventually leave too. everyone always does.

delusionally, i just want to experience genuine happiness just Once without repercussion from higher powers making that impossible for me. i'm not allowed to enjoy myself because bad things always happen immediately after. i would like, just once, for that not to happen.

maybe i sound stupid though.

I don't think it's stupid at all. Life can be needlessly cruel, to a point where it feels like it's just toying with you. Happiness usually comes in small, fleeting moments, but pain has a way of just hanging over you. I've always hated that. Even if it seems unrealistic, I hope that happiness will find you, whatever form it may take.

 

[kuroshimi]

Since I have troubles with focusing on things, I'd miss the opportunity to create.

I was always tried to escape harsh reality by consuming and interacting with strangers on internet and I simply didn't have any strength to create anything. I was just getting tired of everything that was happening to me at the moment and just wanted to be alone.

But when the suicidal ideation grew stronger, I became to think about it more. And felt a desire to leave something behind. My creativity journey not that interesting, because I quit pretty quickly. I tried making videos, writing books and music, but nothing came of it. Maybe cause I didn't put in enough effort?

But I'm still thinking about starting something. As a result, I spend most time daydreaming, doing literally nothing.

Probably, the main thing I would give up is experiencing things. I am human, after all and want to do something in life. But I think life doesn't want that.

 

[madeincruddy]

But when the suicidal ideation grew stronger, I became to think about it more. And felt a desire to leave something behind. My creativity journey not that interesting, because I quit pretty quickly. I tried making videos, writing books and music, but nothing came of it. Maybe cause I didn't put in enough effort?

My devotion to art is definitely fueled by the desire to leave my 'mark' on the world. I might differ from some people in the sense that I'm content with being forgotten (would honestly prefer it), but I want my work to have some sort of impact, even if I'm not around to see it. I doubt that anything I make would be remembered for more than like, 5 years, 10 if I want to be really generous, but I hope it'll stick with someone regardless.

Besides my own ramblings, even if your efforts felt fruitless, I can say you've got more of a creative range than me. My skills are basically limited to illustration. In my mind, it's still something to be impressed by. Music especially, I can't even begin to understand what goes into making music.

 

[kuroshimi]

Besides my own ramblings, even if your efforts felt fruitless, I can say you've got more of a creative range than me. My skills are basically limited to illustration. In my mind, it's still something to be impressed by. Music especially, I can't even begin to understand what goes into making music.

I guess I just tried to find myself in this world by doing such things. I have being suffering from existential problems for a long time and just want to give something to people.

 

[FuneralCry]

If this existence ended I'd be giving up potentially decades of future unnecessary suffering in this existence I just always saw as a mistake which is all I hope and wish for, for me non-existence is just all that's positive and is all that can bring me the peace I search for from the terrible, dreadful abomination of existence that just causes harm and suffering with no limit as to how much one can be tortured.

To be permanently unconscious with all gone and forgotten is just all I see as desirable, all I hope for is no more pain and no more suffering but of course I wish this existence was never imposed more than anything, I find it so horrible how a human can be tortured in this futile existence for decades longer just to face the agony of old age.

 

[Dust_And_Moonlight]

Honestly, the only tangible things I'd really be giving up are the games, films, TV shows, whatever that help keep me 'grounded.' It'd suck to die having never played the next 3D Mario, or seen how Pluribus ends. I do want to experience that shit. Frankly shit like that is what keeps me going a lot of the time. Sure, the past year has been a practical blink of the eye where I've achieved less than nothing good for myself... but at least I got to play/watch some good stuff. Same'll go for next year, and the year after, and so on and so forth.

Outside of that, though, I've got no real prospects, so I wouldn't be giving up anything that I haven't long-since given upon on already. Stuff like how I used to want to write/direct a film, and am now too old, anti-social, and poor to ever achieve it. Or how I know I'm never going to feel comfortable in my own body because, outside of some literal miracle, I'll always be seen as a massive, ugly, balding man who'd look fucking ridiculous/creepy doing anything 'unique' with their gender presentation. (which, in turn, means I'll never get to find 'my people', whoever they may be, cause I'd simply never fit in). Or how I'll never live independently because the rent's too damn high, and house ownership is a non-starter unless I get lucky with inheritance from some long-lost uncle. Or how I'll never be able to travel and explore the world because I can't afford that shit, and wouldn't want to anyway when I can't even take a damn picture of myself.

Sorry for the rant. It's just a lot having to give up so damn much because of what life, and my own choices, have given me.

 

[Tarantula]

I will be giving up on my dreams of becoming a Mortician in the future. I've wanted to become a Mortician since my early teenage years, but I've been suffering for so long that I'm willing to give that all up by committing suicide. I was also really into art during my early childhood-mid teenage years but I gave up on art because I stopped being confident in my skills.

I will also be giving up on my friends and my favorite cousin that try to help me through my problems and enjoy spending time with me. I feel so guilty every time I'm around them and every time they express platonic affection towards me because I know I don't deserve it and I'll probably be gone soon. I know it'll hurt once I'm gone because I'm currently coping with suicide grief and I've seen the ripple effect firsthand.

Sometimes I have second thoughts about suicide but I've struggled with suicidal ideation for so long that I feel like I have to find a way out. I already have a plan, and a back up plan. I don't want to make it to my next birthday.