Discussion What was your breaking point?

[playalistic]

Was there a specific event that happened in your life that was so difficult, that you can pinpoint it as to when your suicidal ideation started/drastically increased?

Have you always struggled with depression/ideation; or did you go through a traumatic event that you consider your "breaking point" in terms of causing so much suffering it induced your suicidal feelings?

 

[eupdplishlp]

moving from primry to secondary school. I would have been 11-12. I was bubbled massivley, so when I learnt about the world for myself I tried and did everything to it's fulliest extreme. hbu?

 

[iwantitover]

Was there a specific event that happened in your life that was so difficult, that you can pinpoint it as to when your suicidal ideation started/drastically increased?

Have you always struggled with depression/ideation; or did you go through a traumatic event that you consider your "breaking point" in terms of causing so much suffering it induced your suicidal feelings?

Honestly the breakdown of a relationship with my then gf then my mom dying 3 days later that was the final straw

moving from primry to secondary school. I would have been 11-12. I was bubbled massivley, so when I learnt about the world for myself I tried and did everything to it's fulliest extreme. hbu?

Yea can relate to that almost 20 without a single gcse lol special ed schools screw your head

 

[playalistic]

moving from primry to secondary school. I would have been 11-12. I was bubbled massivley, so when I learnt about the world for myself I tried and did everything to it's fulliest extreme. hbu?

Loss

grief is very difficult and complex. it's very difficult to come to terms with losing the most important person in your life and that you will never see them or talk to them ever again. I also have no real closure and the sense of unknown absolutely haunts me and wreaks havoc on me mentally

I know people always say especially in these kinds of situations "permanent solution to a temporary problem". But to me it's a temporary problem that never ends. Grief never ends, it just changes shape. I will never get closure, but suicide will bring me closure. I'd rather die than live another day waiting and longing for an explanation I will never get, especially when that person was everything to me. They were integral to my identity. After i lost that person i lost all sense of direction in life. I feel like i don't even know what im doing anymore. Everything just feels meaningless and void of joy. I will miss her and long for her until the day I die and i'd do anything to see her or touch her one last time.

Of course that isn't the only reason, i have always always struggled with mental illness, since i was a kid. I've always had good & bad periods of my life. For example, the first couple months of this year and late last year were some of the best times I've ever had in my life. Life was good, but the suffering can tend to outweigh and completely overshadow the positive experiences. Right now, this is the first time in my life i've ever been genuinely truly suicidal. I have never been genuinely suicidal up until this point. I knew it was bad when i unironically made an account on this website while knowing about its existence for years prior, lol

Grieving somebody like they're dead is hard. This world is unfair to us all

Honestly the breakdown of a relationship with my then gf then my mom dying 3 days later that was the final straw

Yea can relate to that almost 20 without a single gcse lol special ed schools screw your head

I'm sorry for your loss, i can't imagine the magnitude of that

I hope you find peace/an end to your suffering someday, wherever you may find that

 

[SadBumblebee]

moving from primry to secondary school. I would have been 11-12. I was bubbled massivley, so when I learnt about the world for myself I tried and did everything to it's fulliest extreme. hbu?

Wdym you bubbles? Did you find out some bad stuff and that ruined you?

 

[eupdplishlp]

Wdym you bubbles? Did you find out some bad stuff and that ruined you?

bubbled is a parenting style. It comes from a very good place of the parent wanting to protect the child out of fear for what could go wrong (for my mother it was because she was abused and had a really hard up bringing) but it resulted in her keeping me in the house 24/7 never letting me have friends or go outside and she constantly fed me the worst possible senario for what couldhappen in any situation. This now led to immense crippling anxiety. I never leave my house and have agraphobia.

if I were to have a child my minset would be very different. somtimes if my child fell somtimes id let them stand up on their own, I wouldn't give them the sweet they are crying for so dearly for instead I'd play a game. little things like this help problem solving skills in adulthood

Loss

grief is very difficult and complex. it's very difficult to come to terms with losing the most important person in your life and that you will never see them or talk to them ever again. I also have no real closure and the sense of unknown absolutely haunts me and wreaks havoc on me mentally

I know people always say especially in these kinds of situations "permanent solution to a temporary problem". But to me it's a temporary problem that never ends. Grief never ends, it just changes shape. I will never get closure, but suicide will bring me closure. I'd rather die than live another day waiting and longing for an explanation I will never get, especially when that person was everything to me. They were integral to my identity. After i lost that person i lost all sense of direction in life. I feel like i don't even know what im doing anymore. Everything just feels meaningless and void of joy. I will miss her and long for her until the day I die and i'd do anything to see her or touch her one last time.

Of course that isn't the only reason, i have always always struggled with mental illness, since i was a kid. I've always had good & bad periods of my life. For example, the first couple months of this year and late last year were some of the best times I've ever had in my life. Life was good, but the suffering can tend to outweigh and completely overshadow the positive experiences. Right now, this is the first time in my life i've ever been genuinely truly suicidal. I have never been genuinely suicidal up until this point. I knew it was bad when i unironically made an account on this website while knowing about its existence for years prior, lol

Grieving somebody like they're dead is hard. This world is unfair to us all

I'm sorry for your loss, i can't imagine the magnitude of that

I hope you find peace/an end to your suffering someday, wherever you may find that

grief is the worst over all feelings. it's the biggest ugliest emotions but it always comes from a place of such beauty and love. I will pm you asking about what your beliefs are and if you have any as I can't speak openly about beliefs I think. but they definatley helped me.

 

[kopebaldy]

Idk, I never really have the "breaking point".

Some time during elementary I gained consciousness (lol) and realized I just suck, and it starts building up throughout the years ultimately leading to a useless "adult" that I am now.

It takes so much effort for me to do something people do casually, my mind thinks differently, and not the good difference like good at math or some shit, it's just slow and full of random useless crap.

It's very hard for me to make connections which I will ruin somehow being an angry little weirdo. It feels like I never have a personality of my own and just mimic whatever people around have.

I don't have a sad backstory, my family is nice, we ain't rich but financially secured. Someone other than me would definitely strive with all that resources, I'm just a useless waste of space that's all.

The suicidal thoughts appeared when I started highschool and it's just a series of failed "Yeah I'll do it on [date]" ever since.

 

[lawlietsph]

I don't have any specific event that has happened and then booom suddenly i became suicidal.
It's more like tons of "little" things just became too much.

Starting from the moment my mother became pregnant with me. They aready had a daughter (my sister) who was an accident, but for some reason (?) they thought it will be a good idea to create me too, i guess as a buddy for my sister.

So, even as i was starting to develop in my mother's body, she was already miserable and hated her life - i strongly believe this had a HUGE impact on me from the very beginning. Right after this, the second trauma came. My father wanted a boy, so i made him upset for being born as a girl. The very first thing i've heard on this planet as a baby after i was born was the doctor saying: "Ma'am i'm so sorry but this one is a girl too". I believe this, and the way my father treated me like i was a boy - these things gave me a GIANT identity crisis and for the longest time i was disgusted with myself for being a girl/woman. I strongly believe this is why i developed hormonal issues like PCOS, thyroid issues and who knows what else.
So this was how i started. And the rest of the shit just came... Physical abuse and mental torture at home, bullying in school, possible undiagnosed autism, constant fight between my parents, my sister developing BPD, my father's suicide attempt, my sister's suicide attempt, me failing math in school, losing my beloved pets, not finding a job, getting my heart broken by men, etc etc... And ultimately realizing how awful this world is, how nothing matters and how disgusting people truly are.
sorry if it's not relevant, by the time i'm done texting i usually don't even know what i'm talking about :(

 

[Dejected 55]

Pebbles in the pond all my life, stirring ripples... every now and then a good sized rock thrown in to make a splash and bigger ripples... but last year, the bottom fell out and I was forced to accept that nothing I say or do matters, I can't move the needle positively in my own life. I've done everything I'm capable of doing that I ever wanted to do... except for the things that require a partner... and last year is when I knew for certain, no more doubts, that I will always be alone... and always being alone is something I can no longer stand. That's when the plug in the drain was pulled. No more ripples, just a fast water spout as the life and hope drains from me, and when it all runs out, I am done.

 

[FuneralCry]

For me my wish to cease existing is a result of being burdened with this dreadful, torturous existence I never would had chosen and never would had wished for that I always saw as a mistake, for me existence really is the problem and I'd just never wish for any of this rather all I want is to not exist.

Only non-existence can solve everything for me in this dreadful, torturous and cruel existence and it feels like I've suffered so much for so long, for me non-existence is all that's positive, I'd just never wish for any of this rather all I want is to never suffer ever again, I just want some peace. I find it so terrifying how a human can suffer for much longer with no limit as to how much they can be tortured just to die in agony from old age, existence to me really is an abomination and it's one that just causes so much harm and suffering and I always suffer so much from how I cannot just have a death like never waking again so finally I can be at peace.

 

[blacksand]

Turning 30 after 5.5 years in my parents basement largely spent neet. My brain is mush. My soul is rotten.

 

[TAW122]

I don't think I had a breaking point, but I did have a lot of shitty events throughout most of my life that ultimately led to the conclusion that sentience (albeit temporary in the eyes of the universe - from a nonsentient entity's perspective) is just full of suffering and shitty events with some fleeting joys and general mundaness. It wasn't a price that I'm to pay nor a game I wish to play until the end. I've then made the realization when I became an adult and decided that death was the mercy from this tormented (unwanted) existence.

 

[Michelstaedter]

The death of my pets. They continued to die over the years, but it was devastating when the ones I had left died in the last two years, so I began to feel like there was no way out. It didn't matter if I decided to live 50 years of suffering or if I'd rather die soon and save myself from unnecessary suffering.

To top it all off, I realize I was negligent; I couldn't do anything for them, even though, in theory, half of them lived almost to the fullest extent of their lifespan.

 

[auniqueusername!]

There wasn't a breaking point for me. It's just this constant cycle of feeling better and wanting to change my life then extreme depression and sadness that I got tired of.

 

[-nobodyknows-]

I'm not entirely sure. I know I didn't always feel this way, and I have a general timeframe of when I think something happened, but I don't know if there was anything in particular that really set things into motion.

I think that it was most likely a number of things that just continued to build and build, and I had no way of really dealing with them. Now, at this point in time, there's just too many things, I think. Maybe if I had some better support earlier on in my life things wouldn't have gotten so bad, but at this point I think it's too much to share with other people and expect them to help. It's one thing if you're sharing a small load with someone, but once the amount of stuff you are carrying reaches a certain size, I'm not sure it's really possible for others to deal with.

I remember way too many things, from far too long ago. Trying to talk to other people about those things is just too much for them to deal with. There's just too much there.

Thankfully, I'm not a very "explosive" person (I tend to "implode" instead, and direct my negative feelings towards myself instead of lashing out at other people), which is something I'm very thankful for. I do my best to bury everything and put on a smile so that other people don't worry too much. I really don't like it when things leak out, because of the way it tends to upset people when they hear about how I feel. So, when I do talk to people, I do my best to hold back and downplay things a bit. In a way though, I think this is worse than saying nothing at all, because of how much I just want to let go and tell them everything.

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

No more ripples, just a fast water spout as the life and hope drains from me, and when it all runs out, I am done.

"For sighing has become my daily food; my groans pour out like water. What I feared has come upon me; what I dreaded has happened to me. I have no peace, no quietness; I have no rest, but only turmoil." Job 3:24-26

 

[unluckysadness]

traumatic experience in a hospital three years ago. i fell like i was raped because of very bad treatment from the doctors. and a rare disease which got me disabled. but i had suicidal thoughts before that (since i was 10) there are always several reasons i think. you can give me 10 million dollars but i'll exchange it against peace of mind. my God i've suffered so much on this earth

 

[backandthejeanstalk]

Feeling every day that I fail as a parent.

The love I have for my children is indescribable. They are my absolute world and everything I do, is for them.

But no matter how hard I try, I seem to get it wrong so much. Sometimes when I'm frightened it comes out as an angry outburst and I know I've scared them before. I feel so guilty they got me as their mum. I just want them to feel secure and to know they are loved unconditionally.

I question every day if I am being more selfish staying here, if they would have a better life if I wasn't here anymore. But also I know the cold statistics around parental suicide and the increased risks for them. I know I brought them into this world and they deserve to be protected and treated with kindness and love.

I just don't know if I am the right person to do that and that breaks me every day. I won't ctb no matter how much I want to because there is no crystal ball to tell me they'd be better without me, but I feel like such a failure.

 

[inthesky123]

Knowing my mom/grandma worked in the school system and instead of supporting/rigging me driving me crazy and trying to make me look crazy.

 

[Fall_Apart]

My breaking point was 10 years ago. When things were already going to shit, I found out I had cancer. I found myself in a cancer hospital and saw so many people suffering like hell. I had to share my hospital room with an old man with tubes sticking out of his bowel. I had to eat my meals with the stench of shit under my nose. I listened to the nightly moans of patients undergoing surgery like in a horror movie. I underwent numerous CT scans and each time I trembled while waiting for the results. Then the discovery of the lung nodules, the doctors telling me, buddy, there's a good chance of survival after all. All this shit made me realize that from that moment on, my only goal was to have CTB as soon as possible. Unfortunately, I haven't managed it yet, but it's only a matter of time.

 

[Ijustcantanymore]

Realizing that life is just prison controlled by a relatively low amount of people where the rest of us are enslaved to them for our survival.

Death is preferable to that any day.

 

[kunikuzushi]

I can't handle being alone, so I'm constantly in relationships. But each relationship destroys me more and more. In the early ones, I would express my feelings and get called manipulative/controlling or they would get annoyed and distance from me or cheat on me. So now I'm thoroughly traumatized and keep everything to myself while I suffer in silence while getting hurt.
I can't really function because of this.
A person can only take so much. I'm beyond my breaking point.

 

[fireplace19]

Getting disabled from age 13 on and never finding any treatment or cure. I immediately got to see life and the world for what it was. Meaningless and painful.

I knew what would happen if I tried to be normal, study, work, date etc. I'd lose it in the end because of my health. Every time something proved me right was another breaking point.

I got even sicker, just spent 7 months in hospital and lost my job, study and gf of 5 years. I am bedbound and need caretakers even though I'm so young. I think of it more like self euthanasia than suicide even lol. Just the kindest thing to do.

 

[deepocean]

Was there a specific event that happened in your life that was so difficult, that you can pinpoint it as to when your suicidal ideation started/drastically increased?

Have you always struggled with depression/ideation; or did you go through a traumatic event that you consider your "breaking point" in terms of causing so much suffering it induced your suicidal feelings?

Being No longer Needed.

 

[Sergeant45]

Was there a specific event that happened in your life that was so difficult, that you can pinpoint it as to when your suicidal ideation started/drastically increased?

Have you always struggled with depression/ideation; or did you go through a traumatic event that you consider your "breaking point" in terms of causing so much suffering it induced your suicidal feelings?

When I learned what catching the bus was at around 9 I knew that's what I wanted.

What happened before and after that realization is history.

 

[knickknack81]

2 things.

1. loss of longtime partner. after 6 years together, my partner told me she wasn't happy with me and left me. When I lost her, I realized how alone I was. My parents have passed away, my brother and I had a big falling out and as time went on, my friends have moved on and ive lost touch with them. I have felt so alone and isolated this last year and its been very difficult to get though the days.

2. Job/finanacial issues have made things stressful and fearful of the future. I just don't see them getting together

These two things hitting at the same time have brought about thoughts of CTB. When and if I do it, I couldn't tell you. But the feelings have been around for a long time and I struggle to see them getting better.

 

[cat_enjoyer22]

Looking back on it, it was when my pet dog got run over by a car. Must've been like 10 years ago at this point...