What Made You Commit to Living/Dying?

[SummerChristmasEve]

I have been passively suicidal for 6 years, give or take, and I have been obsessed with the thought of suicide since 2020. I've made several of what I call attempted "attempted suicides" where I set up a rope on a ledge pretty impulsively, and just cannot bring myself to jump. I was also in the middle of deconstructing my faith and was very afraid of Hell.

Suicide has really been more of a coping skill than anything, the idea that I always have an option in my back pocket to dip if I'm sick of life is comforting. But I'm so tired of sitting on the fence. There is a part of me that knows I need to go to therapy, quit my phone addiction, work out and eat healthier in order to feel better. But there is no part of me that wants to do any of that. At the same time, whenever I try to sit down and truly research practical ways for me to ctb, I just feel apathetic about it. I'm too lazy to live, but too lazy to die.

I think I'm finally at my rock bottom, but I just want to know what helped you guys commit to a decision, one way or another. I can't keep setting dates I never follow through with and sleeping all day. I just want the willpower to do something.

 

[Eriktf]

i gave up tying after my 11th attempt then i tryed one more time a few days a go.
im convinced that god doesn't want me and the devil are not done with me yet so i cant die

 

[hippiedeath]

I used up every option I had. When you've truly lost hope, it's easier to commit. I lived long enough to know some things never change. I find peace in this. I'm hopless, and I've come to accept that I'm a hopeless failure. Therefore death doesn't scare me. Pain is worse.

 

[SomedayorNexttime]

Suicide has really been more of a coping skill than anything, the idea that I always have an option in my back pocket to dip if I'm sick of life is comforting.

This is so me. I felt so much comfort knowing I can always exit the game if things get too hard. I think that mindset is why I accepted I will take myself out one day. My life keeps worsening and I don't think a person whose life can get really bad should force themselves to stick around. So I plan on doing it at most a decade from now. But if anything gets too bad I'll happily go earlier.

 

[amerie]

I just sort of realized and accepted that it would never get better.

Even if I somehow managed to do all the work and find the top therapists and best coping mechanisms, the pain of everything ive endured and the passive existential misery would always find a way to follow behind. It's like an itch that can never be scratched. I'd be so miserable if I was 50 and still dealing with the same emotional burdens from when I was a teenager.

I've also always just known that I wasn't meant to live very long from a young age, even before I was suicidal. I can't envision myself past the age of mid 30s, and even then I don't know what I'll do by that point.

This is so me. I felt so much comfort knowing I can always exit the game if things get too hard. I think that mindset is why I accepted I will take myself out one day. My life keeps worsening and I don't think a person whose life can get really bad should force themselves to stick around. So I plan on doing it at most a decade from now. But if anything gets too bad I'll happily go earlier.

This mindset is carrying me, life is so stupid live everyday like it's your last bc if it gets too hard you can just leave.

 

[PI3.14]

There is only so much medicine and therapy can do when the reason you're suicidal is your shitty life.

 

[SummerChristmasEve]

This mindset is carrying me, life is so stupid live everyday like it's your last bc if it gets too hard you can just leave.

This is what I want to do too, but I get scared thinking about not actually going through with it, and being stuck with the shitty consequences.

I'd love to run up a credit card and go someplace cool, but idek if the debt is forgiven after you die.

But I'm also still scared of what happens after I die. I've been trying to convince myself it's inevitable and hell doesn't actually exist, but it's the biggest barrier for me atm.

 

[mossmoth]

i am commited to living. a transgender woman that was my friend committed suicide in june. she was part of the military, and had detransitioned in order to be in it. all memorials, social media posts, comments, etc all deadnamed and misgendered her, with the exception of her sister on her private account.
i realized i couldn't kill myself after her death. there's too little adult trans people that get to both grow up and transition and too many young trans kids that don't have people to look up to, or even just trans adults that visibly exist in public.
and i couldn't be remembered like that. i don't want to be misgendered when i die. i don't want to die and be remembered as a confused girl. i just don't.

she made me realize i cannot die without transitioning.

a man, another military member, (?borderline?) assaulted me after a party. he treated me like a girl. it made me feel like shit. i never want to he treated like that, ever again.

he made me realize that i cannot live without transitioning.

and now im emptying my wallet for private healthcare for hrt and the most hopeful i've been in my life

 

[Sergeant45]

It'll be a boring answer, but I can't even begin to list all the reasons to myself most of the time.

Everything.

At a certain point, things that happen will outweigh the expenses of staying alive inside your mind.

I knew I'd definitely need to ctb when I realized.... even if one or two of my reasons disappeared, the rest would still outweigh living for me.

 

[ankawannadie]

I want to go to a café and enjoy a drink without worrying about anything. I just want to experience something like that. If I can get over my trauma, mental illnesses, and heal then I feel like I can live a fulfilling life by finding joy in the little things.

 

[TBONTB]

I have been passively suicidal for 6 years, give or take, and I have been obsessed with the thought of suicide since 2020. I've made several of what I call attempted "attempted suicides" where I set up a rope on a ledge pretty impulsively, and just cannot bring myself to jump. I was also in the middle of deconstructing my faith and was very afraid of Hell.

Suicide has really been more of a coping skill than anything, the idea that I always have an option in my back pocket to dip if I'm sick of life is comforting. But I'm so tired of sitting on the fence. There is a part of me that knows I need to go to therapy, quit my phone addiction, work out and eat healthier in order to feel better. But there is no part of me that wants to do any of that. At the same time, whenever I try to sit down and truly research practical ways for me to ctb, I just feel apathetic about it. I'm too lazy to live, but too lazy to die.

I think I'm finally at my rock bottom, but I just want to know what helped you guys commit to a decision, one way or another. I can't keep setting dates I never follow through with and sleeping all day. I just want the willpower to do something.

What's your day like? I'm imagining if there is something to tie the motivation to. Are you employed? Student? Live alone/with family/with others? It seems like you current situation works okay for you?

 

[fallingbehind]

I have been passively suicidal for 6 years, give or take, and I have been obsessed with the thought of suicide since 2020. I've made several of what I call attempted "attempted suicides" where I set up a rope on a ledge pretty impulsively, and just cannot bring myself to jump. I was also in the middle of deconstructing my faith and was very afraid of Hell.

Suicide has really been more of a coping skill than anything, the idea that I always have an option in my back pocket to dip if I'm sick of life is comforting. But I'm so tired of sitting on the fence. There is a part of me that knows I need to go to therapy, quit my phone addiction, work out and eat healthier in order to feel better. But there is no part of me that wants to do any of that. At the same time, whenever I try to sit down and truly research practical ways for me to ctb, I just feel apathetic about it. I'm too lazy to live, but too lazy to die.

I think I'm finally at my rock bottom, but I just want to know what helped you guys commit to a decision, one way or another. I can't keep setting dates I never follow through with and sleeping all day. I just want the willpower to do something.

I was in your same boat. I have a bunch of "passive" attempts like walking in the street without caring, standing on ledges etc. I was afraid of my mortality. I feared what may happen, and thats why I put it in the back of my mind. I realised that those "what ifs" are not scarier to me than the thought of living, working, sleeping and repeating for years

 

[SummerChristmasEve]

What's your day like? I'm imagining if there is something to tie the motivation to.

Currently I live at home and have been job searching (pretty half-heartedly) for three months. I was honestly super excited to not be working because I was absolutely miserable in my previous job, and I've always been preoccupied by work or school since I was a teenager.

but generally I've lived in so many different conditions. I was a full time student at a 4-year out of state college with a scholarship, and I was so depressed by my third semester that I stopped going to classes and talking to anyone. Just layer in bed. Then I came home and worked full time, a shit fast-food job. Hated that, would come home and sleep until my next shift started. And now here I am. I feel like I don't have any value whatsoever being unemployed. I haven't had friends for about 3 years, since dropping out, and I can't make friends because I'm so self conscious about being unemployed with no degree. But at the same time, I know as soon as I start working again and the novelty wears off, I'll hate it.

I am planning on taking one community college class in August, but I have absolutely no desire to go to school and get a degree. I have no desire for anything really. I don't like being a leech and living at home, so I definitely wanna move out. But after that, there is no dream or goal.

I have been trying to stick to a daily routine but typically I'll apply to a few jobs, maybe eat lunch, walk my dog twice and help my mom out with chores/community stuff she does. The rest of the day is in bed, maybe 10-12hrs. Sorry long reply

 

[usernamesarehard]

Having my ex dump me. I know it sounds dumb, but just hear me out.

He dumped me because he fell out of love with me. I don't know if I'll be able to get another boyfriend and even though I don't need a partner, I don't want to go another 50-60 years being alone. Even ignoring the fact that I just can't attract anyone close to my age, I don't know if I even WANT to try again. It feels pointless if someone can just wake up one day and say they don't love you anymore and then leave.

Him dumping me triggered a pretty deep depression (to be clear, I was already depressed). It's hard to see any point in life anymore. The only thing I dream about is finally being able to ctb and be done with this shit. I feel like an idiot and completely useless at my job. I'm just tired. I've been depresses since highschool and the break up was just the last straw.

 

[TBONTB]

Currently I live at home and have been job searching (pretty half-heartedly) for three months. I was honestly super excited to not be working because I was absolutely miserable in my previous job, and I've always been preoccupied by work or school since I was a teenager.

but generally I've lived in so many different conditions. I was a full time student at a 4-year out of state college with a scholarship, and I was so depressed by my third semester that I stopped going to classes and talking to anyone. Just layer in bed. Then I came home and worked full time, a shit fast-food job. Hated that, would come home and sleep until my next shift started. And now here I am. I feel like I don't have any value whatsoever being unemployed. I haven't had friends for about 3 years, since dropping out, and I can't make friends because I'm so self conscious about being unemployed with no degree. But at the same time, I know as soon as I start working again and the novelty wears off, I'll hate it.

I am planning on taking one community college class in August, but I have absolutely no desire to go to school and get a degree. I have no desire for anything really. I don't like being a leech and living at home, so I definitely wanna move out. But after that, there is no dream or goal.

I have been trying to stick to a daily routine but typically I'll apply to a few jobs, maybe eat lunch, walk my dog twice and help my mom out with chores/community stuff she does. The rest of the day is in bed, maybe 10-12hrs. Sorry long reply

No, that's a great reply. I see your depression is deep, and also see you wanting to build something more deeply satisfying but struggling for the way.

Idk, nothing brilliant here. Only, what if instead of community college and a degrees, you tried a trade. Like hair dressing, or decide repair. Something shorter to finish and more employable sooner? Idk, just trying for an idea. Or....dog walking?

sorry to jump into problem solving, you might have just wanted support. I hope you can get some relief.

I want to go to a café and enjoy a drink without worrying about anything. I just want to experience something like that. If I can get over my trauma, mental illnesses, and heal then I feel like I can live a fulfilling life by finding joy in the little things.

could you go to a cafe now for a drink. Can you get there with your trauma? Just thinking you don't have to wait to get better before you have experiences. They might be hard, but they might be part of the healing. Best of luck in healing!