Venting What is the point of anything?

[im gonna grow wings]

I've been struggling a lot these last few months. I got laid off from my job because of this new administration, my best friend from college killed herself that same month, and now I'm just floating, trying to find any meaning in my life. Yeah, I have a few friends, a good relationship with a guy that loves me, my mom loves and cares about me, but I have no purpose. I just can't find meaning in living. I wish I could, but everything just seems to be getting worse around me no matter what outlook I have. I feel horribly guilty for even feeling this way, so many people have it harder than me. But I feel like I'm wasted potential. I wish I could trade bodies with someone who has a better outlook on life so that this flesh and blood isn't here for nothing.

I wish I wasn't a colossal fuck up, I wish my dad was nicer to me, I wish I was prettier, I wish I had any motivation to make my life better but I just don't. I don't know how.

 

[Off_Switch]

I used to be so driven. I accomplished a few things in my life that the average person wouldn't. But I feel like I had to exert 10 times as much energy to accomplish these things, than the average person would. And all of a sudden I went from that to struggling to even do menial every day tasks. I basically doom scroll my days away now, to distract myself from the fact that life is indeed pointless.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I have less of a major end goal now but I suppose I'm still driven day to day by the thought: Is what I'm doing right now, likely to make my life better or worse?

As to whether that matters- I suppose we have to ask ourselves: Do we mind being in pain? Emotional or physical? If we stop keeping up with hygiene and feeding ourselves properly, we leave ourselves more vulnerable to infection and illness. If we don't work to support ourselves, we either run the risk of becoming destitute/ homeless. Or, if we do have those that will take care of us, we have to put up with possible guilt tripping/ shaming from them and everyone else. Or, we may feel we are a burden on them.

I often find life is about finding the lessor of the evils. But overall, I figure my meaning or purpose is doing what I can to ensure things get no worse! Avoiding pain ultimately. Ironically though, more often than not- because life seems badly designed- it feels like we have to do a lot of unpleasant things to stop even worse things happening!