what is S?

[overkill]

what is S? this is from a person who is not me, who survived an N overdose:

I actually survived an overdose of N. And I have no intention of going through that ICU nightmare again.
3 months later people comment on how well I look- I hit the gym. People say I look fitter every time they see me.
All my blood work is clear and no brain damage despite lying in a coma for 2 days and having strong lividity- its a minor miracle I didnt lose my arm. Incredibly, I've come out healthier than before it. Psych Evaluation decided I wasnt depressed in the classical sense, nor mentally ill.
Friends and colleagues have rallied round me and my brother was a tower of strength.
So, I have a new, healthier look, new outfits, new glasses, new attitude. Good job, nice house, money.
Interestingly, I spent a Saturday with a PUA to test my confidence- I approached 7 women: and got 7 good conversations. Apparently this is excellent for a first timer.
But I still want to die- I still think its best to get out on top. Life is too much of a compromise.
I fell for a colleague but knew it couldnt work- yet it still bothers me. It sums up how what Im offered is always compromised. She sums up all thats wrong throughout my Life- and I have had my fill.
I am purchasing S. Via Bitcoin-3000mg & alcohol can't fail.
Though Im Thankful for the efforts of everyone, including medical staff, I truly was happy at the thought of dying.
I dont want to exist here or anywhere else- I just want to cease to exist.
I still think its a rational choice- at least Im getting out on top.

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