I guess a lot can happen, or not, in 50 years, one year or even a day. And this life as we know it happens only once. One single moment can change everything. After about six months of being suicidal I finally got my SN and asked myself if I would've missed anything if I'd ctb sooner, and the answer was No. I could've saved myself a lot of misery actually, but we will never know for sure. Since then, I've become calmer, not in a rush to ctb anymore, thankful to have my means for when needed. I'm afraid to hope or believe in a future, but recently the person I'm holding on for, is giving me reason to believe there is hope.