What are your barriers? What’s stopping you from CTB?

[AstralMadness]

I don't have access to a method or a way to buy one now, sadly

 

[Black_Knight]

Fear
I'm at a point where I think I'm incompatible enough with reality that it is almost certainly the right decision
Either that or living some kind of "alternative lifestyle" I don't have the imagination to picture or the skills to enact

I have nightmares and persistent closed eye visuals from overusing psychotropics, they have convinced me that there's something on the other side for me and it's not good. I don't think I'm all that comfortable with an afterlifeless "before you were born" scenario either, although what bothers me most about that isn't the lack of state itself but the transitional state into it.

If I had N I'd do it in a heartbeat, but my method is partial and there is some awareness that you're going to die before you lose consciousness, and it was scary when I experienced it. The illusion that suicide is an act of defiance/seizing control is falling away as I begin to consider the reality of it more seriously.

 

[dying_kwik2000]

The only thing that is stopping me is probably lack of resources right now. I also how this course I want to finish just in case things go wrong.

 

[badatparties]

Procrastination and laziness. This is why antidepressants have a black box warning for suicide, as it can give depressed people just enough motivation to actually go through with the act.

 

[ih34rty0u]

just survial instinct at this point

 

[RadiantNumber]

Fear of death itself (afterlife / lack of it)
Family (despite hard relations between us, I don't want them to be sad or hearthbroken)

 

[DeadManLiving]

nothing anymore. i've lost everything.

 

[UserFromNowhere]

Death means the absence of observable experience, which goes against the small, persistent voice of vanity lingering from childhood, binding me to life even as death offers its sweet embrace. No resignation to death has been able to overpower its sway, even as the belief of being better off dead resounds volumes in my head. No matter how much the noose tightens around my neck, it loosens the rope and brings me down as I find myself regretting that I've lived another day.

 

[losthope1980]

I've wanted to CTB for as long as I remember but there's still so many obstacles that stop me and keep me here…

1. My child I fear they'll be abused like me and if I'm dead how can I help them.

2. My child not being in a secure home and not having a loving care provider

3. My grandma being still alive she's in her 80s and has many health conditions a part of me wants to wait for her to pass but at the same time idk if I can hold off that long.

4. That there's a possibility my grandma could die after hearing about my death she has serious health issues.

5. My brother blaming himself he's already lost 1 friend to suicide he could easily do the same and I would understand if he did he was also subject to so much abuse like me and a part of me feels so protective over him but I can't shield him from all the cruelty of this world we aren't kids anymore I need to accept that.

6. When I was younger I made a promise to myself that no matter how bad the pain got I would continue living because my mum died so young of cancer. I said I'd continue living the life she wasn't able to have.

7. A part of me still wants to live and it's baffling to me with all the abuse pain suffering and trauma a part of me still has hope of recovering it's insane how much the human mind can truly withstand I don't think many would still be here considering what I've experienced my will to survive shocks me. I think back to my other attempts particularly when I was on the roof of my college looking down imagining where I'd land I wanted it to be at the entrance of my class and if I had died then I wouldn't have experienced half of this pain and torment I feel now I've been raped at least 10 times since then and my child was conceived through rape that absolutely killed me and yet I'm still here why???

I need to be content all these things I know it won't matter I'll be dead but to successfully CTB I need to accept that things aren't changing that recovery isn't possible it's not like I haven't tried or put in the work - I got sober therapy being a mum but all I failed at spectacularly.

I need to accept defeat and being such a hopeful determined intelligent person it's harder than I'd like to admit I know I'll achieve it some day but I need to change my mindset first, any advice on how to do that?

Ive idealized death since I was 12 probably. What stopped me at first was my grandma. I thought if I died she would die, she couldn't stand that, second, my mom. so I always thought once my mom and grandma left this world I would be able to CTB.

Last year I lost both my grandma and mom. my Grandma passed away may4th, and my mom 4 months later on September 4th. I've done lots of stupid things since then , I've constantly had periods of taking High doses of clonazepam and diazepam, this has led my life to lots of losses. I was engaged and was going to marry last year, my second marriage, but fucke it up while on clonazepam so lost her, got back with my ex-wife just to be close to the kids and fucked it up while on clonazepam,now I haven't seen my kids for 2 months and I don't think I will be able to see them anytime soon.

that was when I really thought of CTB I had lost everything. couple of weeks ago I had my method, SN. I have all the necessary things to do it, but what stops me are my kids, even though I could never see them again and they don't want to see me , they need me, and I can't leave, they need me to support them at a distance for now, need to pay bills, tuition, food for them. I fucked up my life but I won't fuck up theirs. hopefully one day I can get to talk to them , but for know I won't leave them with the pain of a father committing suicide. although im going through hell. I won't make them go trough hell. I fucked up , I always do , I thinks its time for me to stand up for all my fuck ups and take responsibility. if you have a kid, think about it. once yore gone you won't be able to help care or provide in any way . I know, this life is hell, but I do believe my love for them is greater than hell and im willing to go through it for them. things can change, probably not in the short term.

I talk for myself, but I know if I would actually go on with SN at some point I would see my kids faces and could not go on with it. so for now I must believe recovery is possible and not accept defeat, no matter how many times I've been down, I have to fight.

Hope you can find a way to find peace and take it one step at a time
wishing the best for you

 

[SchizoGymnast]

I also have really bad FOMO

 

[wilting_flower]

I also have really bad FOMO

I feel this, i see others living the life that i want and it actually makes me want to CTB even more. In many ways I'm too scared to plan or think of a way through my current situation in order to build the life I want. So I just get upset instead.

 

[fromange]

Family. They would blame themselves. I mean fair enough I would partially blame them too. But they love me and treat me well. I don't want them to become unwell because of me. Also extended family/ society will give them shit. I think they can high key just hide it for a few years maybe grandma can go without knowing. I haven't seen her recently either.
I want to repay people that's been good to me.
Belongings, online accounts, idgaf. I'll write a will but they can do whatever. I just want a natural burial.
This makes me hesitate but ultimately they're not going anytime soon. I'll go when I find peace with the idea. It makes me a bad child but that's not different when I'm alive.

 

[whitefeather]

Fear
I'm at a point where I think I'm incompatible enough with reality that it is almost certainly the right decision
Either that or living some kind of "alternative lifestyle" I don't have the imagination to picture or the skills to enact

I have nightmares and persistent closed eye visuals from overusing psychotropics, they have convinced me that there's something on the other side for me and it's not good. I don't think I'm all that comfortable with an afterlifeless "before you were born" scenario either, although what bothers me most about that isn't the lack of state itself but the transitional state into it.

If I had N I'd do it in a heartbeat, but my method is partial and there is some awareness that you're going to die before you lose consciousness, and it was scary when I experienced it. The illusion that suicide is an act of defiance/seizing control is falling away as I begin to consider the reality of it more seriously.

What is it like to die from N ?

 

[DoomedDarkCircles]

I am in my last semester in college and I kinda want to get my degree by fully writing my final thesis, or else these four years (that weren't so good) there would be useless.
Also there is some things I want to do, some places I want to visit. I was always trapped in the house I lived and I want to know more places before leaving.
But recently, I don't know. Even if the thene is something that I really like, does really finishing college matters? I guess it would matter the some people see me – maybe if I get my degree it would be a little bit less tragic? If I get to graduate, then my death won't be announced in the college social media to warn thet wil cancel classes for one or two days.

 

[cme-dme]

- 2 younger siblings who would be greatly affected by my death
- Most of my family is already gone
- Fear
- Loving family

 

[Tautochrome]

My pets, fear of the process, and logistics, with my preferred method being currently out of reach. Wish me luck.

 

[kuroshimi]

Maybe there is still a little bit of hope left in me. And some kind of fear. I still want experience things.

And I don't want to piss off my family and friends.