Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[Unlucky777]

Dear Death,

Where are you? Please come find me and rescue me from this evil and cruel existence.

PS I'm not jealous of anyone alive. I'm jealous of all the dead people who are resting. I wanna rest so bad

 

[DoomsdayCTB]

heartbroken, depressed, empty, satisfied, and excited to self-sacrifice

 

[xXiloveyouXx]

dirty paper

 

[Ethel]

Emptiness

 

[violetforever]

ive missed out on almost all of my life that as much as it depresses me, its easy to just continue letting people and opportunities pass me by.

 

[CTB Dream]

this lif v awfl no psbl any this all pain sffr nostp

 

[gallowsCalibrator]

Anger, sadness, indignation

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

I dread every day. I've never felt safe since I was a child. It's all an illusion anyway. Bad shit happens to people every day. Some never recover.
The ability to recover for many depends on how much money you have. The system is rigged for the rich. Poor slobs like me don't have a chance.
Just have to work until death. That's the only relief from this madness. Then there is always the possibility of reincarnation. I don't know if it truly exists.
I hope not. I don't want to repeat the same shit over millennia.
Anger for being brought into this horrible shit hole planet. It's getting worse for people who aren't rich. They just take and take.
How much money do they need ??? I just want to exit. I fucking hate it here.

 

[HeyBoogahJr]

I feel sad, no one is gonna be there to hold me still and tell me that it's gonna be okay, that I have nothing to worry about. No one is here today to make this night feel any less endless, to brush my tears of fear and worry away. I feel so alone on this night, just as I have the night before and the many other nights I cried in wait for the gentle warmth of another.

 

[violetforever]

usually im bothered by bugs, especially flying ones, but i feel so lonely and unworthy of communicating and being around another human that im letting a little moth fly around my room.

 

[3spiral]

so sleepy but I can't fall asleep even if I close my eyes oh my god my head hurts and I'm also sad and lonely and scared but I have my loyal bootleg pikachu plushie with me to snuggle with

 

[Alcoholic Teletubby]

Genderfluid, genderqueer/gender fuckAzz who's jealous of MtFs because they have nicer, budding chests rather than these sandbags I want to donate. Steal my breast tissue and free up some of my load from their wasted existence. I WANT like...size A 1/2 or some shit.

 

[RedFruit]

A weird mix of emotions. I'm otp with my ex right now for no apparent reason. He's drunk and I wanted to call me. I'm now crying because he's playing the guitar and even though I know he doesn't want to be with me, it feels like he's playing it for Ken I miss him.

 

[junoyoyo]

emptiness and loneliness

 

[Forever Sleep]

Tired, fed up. Dreading trying to get through another day. On the one hand, overwhelmed with what's ahead. On the other, trying to resign myself to it.

 

[scordatura]

2 hours sleep... and ive got up and done my day. Not as tired as id have expected. Whatever anxiety has subsided, has been replaced with that sunken, point of no return feeling. Mildly nauseous.

I feel like I always pick up on these subtle cues and I cant focus. I can't I dont know what the word is that im looking for, that describes it and its frustrating because I need to express something but can't.

I simply am just constantly in pain.

Is there really no other thing that I could be thinking of? Why is it always this? Give me a break please... constant analysis of my surroundings and people, is exhausting me and preventing me from having some amount of peace.

I feel empty...

 

[hardcoretechno]

tired and like i might be going a little bit crazy. also trapped. i feel like no matter what happens, when i die ill be remembered as a stupid, immature teenager. the thought of being remembered as stupid, being seen as stupid, treated like im stupid, makes me so angry. im tired of that feeling day in and day out.

 

[Alcoholic Teletubby]

Me: *goes to a clinical trial for depression*

Also me: *gets rejected for a history of self-harm*

 

[Quietist]

Yesterday I had found out that Delfonics Rollbahn makes a clear notebook cover for their pocket and large notebooks.

I was so excited because I was literally just thinking, "Man, I wish they had this".

I managed to find it on their product website, based in Japan, and purchase a couple of them.

I know it's a small thing, but I love shit like this - notebooks, notebook accessories, stationary, all the shit to pimp out an otherwise plain notebook.

Just one of my small joys - it's been a long time since I've had any.

 

[Alcoholic Teletubby]

Me: *goes to a clinical trial for depression*

Also me: *gets rejected for a history of self-harm*

View attachment 200350

Y'know what? That proves it. No one actually cares and this life isn't sustainable. Fuck it. Fuck every damn part of it. Fuck it and everyone. Fuck it all!

 

[ginadu]

Exhausted. Want to sleep and never wake up.

Same

 

[violetforever]

ive never cried so horribly and not been able to calm myself down as now. it felt like a panic attack with my breathing but more. i feel insane. i cried and shivered and spasmed and scratched myself until it stung because i just want to get out of my mind and skin that i feel so uncomfortable in. my room is so dark that i cant see anything and it feels like a huge blackness. it makes me feel more alone and afraid. i layed and felt my ear and my lips and my hands and it all feels like rubber like im fake and not a person. my teddy bear feels more real than i do. i turned a night light on. im so afraid and just want to die. i keep getting worse and worse. im so far from normal. my brain is going to turn into nothing eventually. im too sick to pretend to be normal. im so unlovable and psychotic. im so hopeless. i feel physically and mentally worn out. i hate to be alone but the burden of my presence is too much for anyone. i want to close my eyes and die. nobody wants me as a daughter or a sister or a friend or a lover or even a stranger to coexist with. im useless to everyone and myself. im never going to do anything good for myself. my life will always be nothing because i know nothing.

i wrote that last night and today ive been doing ok because i had to actually be around people. i guess i know how to control myself when needed but it still bothers me to know i was a wreck the night before. im tired of my moods being high and low, high just being stable functioning and not actually extreme happiness lol. the lowest of the lows will kill me.

 

[scordatura]

Everything that I crave so badly, gets chased further and further away from me...

 

[Unlucky777]

I don't know what I'm doing here anymore. I don't want to be here anymore but I somehow keep lying to myself that things are getting better and I want to live. I've started to turn my life around yet I still feel empty and dead inside. I can't think of ONE single reason I want to stay. It's so confusing. Life has no meaning or purpose. I'm tired of being, I'm tired of doing, I'm tired of feeling, I'm tired of existing, I'm tired of having to expend energy that I don't have for whatever this life bullshit is supposed to be.

Yet somehow I'm still here. I'm not sure why I keep sticking around. I guess I'm just a lost soul, forever lost in darkness.

 

[tiredofthis12]

so freaking tired of everything. I think I want to go soon.

I don't know what I'm doing here anymore. I don't want to be here anymore but I somehow keep lying to myself that things are getting better and I want to live. I've started to turn my life around yet I still feel empty and dead inside. I can't think of ONE single reason I want to stay. It's so confusing. Life has no meaning or purpose. I'm tired of being, I'm tired of doing, I'm tired of feeling, I'm tired of existing, I'm tired of having to expend energy that I don't have for whatever this life bullshit is supposed to be.

Yet somehow I'm still here. I'm not sure why I keep sticking around. I guess I'm just a lost soul, forever lost in darkness.

wow you said this very well. this is exactly how I feel.

 

[violetforever]

my family forces the idea of christianity and god onto me as if they are in any desirable position to do so. they swear it can transform you positively yet they remain the most abusive and unhappy people ive ever known. it looks like religion hasnt done anything for them so why would i want to apply it to myself and my life? everytime they try to push it onto me it feels like theyre actually just trying to convince themselves. if i ever told them this to their face i would be disowned like theyve threatened before.

 

[violetforever]

too mentally weak and numb to self harm. all i can do is lay here in the dark staring aimlessly at my ceiling that i cant see and dig my nails into my arms. i feel like the stinging sensation and running my hands over the raised scratches is all thats keeping my heart beating right now. i want back my bruises that ache and are so purple they look black. if i can find the energy i'll give them to myself again another day.

 

[Alcoholic Teletubby]

Y'know what? That proves it. No one actually cares and this life isn't sustainable. Fuck it. Fuck every damn part of it. Fuck it and everyone. Fuck it all!

Follow-up to this: I'm doing better now and realized I began to spiral due to not taking my antidepressants for the sake of the clinical trial. I'm at fault for this and, reflecting on it, can see that type of response lends credibility to why I was rejected from the trial (as I immediately began to feel like it was a condemnation of me as a person who's struggled with self-harming behavior).

Conversely, I do think that it's still ironic that these are the type of standards they set for said trials. From what I recall, this was not an explicit elimination factor outlined in their participation criteria. I even preemptively volunteered to offer information about my psychological history to their office when confirming my appointment. I guess what pissed me off the most was not only did I waste my time filling out their documents in-person, I also lost up to $50 per the cost of Uber, and an opportunity to make money and possibly benefit for the sake of my depression. All while finishing up my last semester of college, which I'll attempt to tackle again via acquiring a Master's, by attending accelerated courses. All due to our destabilized job market. I mean, shit—I don't mind acting as a test monkey!

Lesson Learned: Lie about your self-harm history.

 

[Manaaja]

When I was a kid, I wanted to join a religion, and they did try to recruit me, but they were all "let's worship clothes and testicles!".

Why would a religion have clothes and testicles?

If everytime I walked into the chuch, there were a million hot naked girls giving me milk and tit massages, and we worshipped, not by praying, but by sucking titties, I'd have been the first to join.

 

[Alcoholic Teletubby]

When I was a kid, I wanted to join a religion, and they did try to recruit me, but they were all "let's worship clothes and testicles!".

Why would a religion have clothes and testicles?

If everytime I walked into the chuch, there were a million hot naked girls giving me milk and tit massages, and we worshipped, not by praying, but by sucking titties, I'd have been the first to join.