It's night again. the thoughts are all coming to me back. Night time is the worst. If sundowning is for dementia... listen... I just... I feel terrible. i feel god awful. I have plans for tomorrow--funny enough, but every night no matter the plans I do. I just feel awful the day later. What's the point? And if not a day later, than sometime later. I always come back to this feeling. This feeling has existed with me since I was 15.
I'm autistic so I think I feel really intense feelings of joy and sadness. I don't think it's bipolar (I recognize ego could blindside me here). I just don't feel happy in the manic sense. I just feel my emotions really strongly. If I'm sad? It feels like a punch burying into my gut. If I'm happy? I feel elated. I feel sad more than happy (again not in the risk-taking mania kinda way but just like autistic yippee image joy kinda thing).
Being the wonderfully astute and rational person than I am, I wondered about trying salvia a few hours ago. Living a hundred years as a ceiling fan doesn't sound too terrible when you think about it. Maybe being a ceiling fan would be kinda nice. Maybe I'd try DMT. The drug cravings are back today. I'm scared to fall asleep because I've been having surreal dreams again recently. The type of dreams where I die and shit. Nothing like trying another drug that I really have no business being on. Wooo. I love putting new substances into my body.
I hope I don't sound too incoherent I really am just trying to type. Trying to make this my final form post for the night. It was nice being able to put these feelings on here, I admit. If I said how I really feel half the time I'd get thrown into a ward. I get that happiness isn't a permanent state, I accept that, but emotionally I lean towards sad more than anything else. Every night I come home and I'm lonely. I'm unloved. I don't know how to approach others when I want that love in a healthy way.
Been a really tough few weeks personally. I had some good moments, won't lie, but those were temporary like anything else in this life. Could they have been worse? Absolutely. I'm just spoiled. I just don't like the path my life is heading towards. I see all the signs, and yet I'm powerless to do anything about it.
I've been fighting all my life to try and make a better situation for myself. But... I'm tired of fighting. Is my situation better? Yeah, it's the result of my hard work, but all I do is cram my work and watch YouTube. I don't feel a sense of community. I feel scared, alone, and fearful. I'm scared for when I inevitably hurt that next person in my life. When do I get to relax? Oh. Right. I don't. I've never stopped to sniff the flowers (video games and youtube don't count as flower sniffing).
At least with suicide I wouldn't be around for those people I hurt. That'd be the end of the book. If I feel strongly about my emotions, then I also have a strong sense of good and bad. The bad that I have done as a result of my spiraling mental health these past few months is overwhelming. It's another paper to the pile of shit I need to work on. I'm always working on it.
I lied just there. I'm not working on it. I pretend I'm working on it. I don't even put in the effort
I don't even know the point. I don't know the fucking point. One part of me wants to run away a la Ted Kaczynski and hide in the woods, another part of me wants to do good, another part of me wants to do evil, one part of me wants to help others, another part of me wants to run and hide from everyone, one part of me wants to fuck anyone who'll lovebomb me (or literally any friend that shows me a moment of compassion), and then the other part wants me to hurt others. Who am I? What parts of myself are the real me? I know I'm trans, I'm autistic, and I like pikachu. That's all I'm confident about. I know I'm sad in this moment. I... feel really fucking stupid in this day and age. I don't know anything. I. guess I also know that I want to be loved and have community...
How do all my peers have this shit figured out? How are they all so much smarter than me? What is it that they have I have and I do not?
If I really knew things, I wouldn't be repeating the same mistakes that I hate so much about myself. I hate that my body has a fight-or-flight response built in. My anxiety has caused me to irrationally hurt others and miss out on many opportunities. I even will pick up a goddamn book about things after the fact and I'll still repeat my afforementioned mistakes. What the fuck is wrong with me? I am a slave chained to my irrational mind. My irrational mind is why I love DXM so much (maybe I love dxm, irrationally). I get to be dissociated and uncaring for a few days.
I don't feel a god damn thing on DXM. Is that what normal people feel like? You could point a fucking gun at my head on DXM, I'd smile and give you my wallet. My mind'll shut the fuck up for a welcome change. I'm not irrational and fearful of a stranger on the street. So many strangers pass by me, nothing bad happens. My brain always has me on high alert for no fucking reason. I hate my brain. Why can't I have all the good parts of DXM that I like and mix it with all of the good parts about sober me? I know that a part of me that isn't irrationally anxious exists when I'm on DXM. Why can't I be like that all the time? Reality is cruel.
If you ever took DXM, you know the feeling.
I don't even care about my schooling anymore. I lowkey just want to take my mediocre art skills and paint things for people. I want to be an artist but I don't have the skills. Dropping everything for something I'm bad at would only land me in an even worse boat. I like my art though. I have passions but I feel disconnected from them all the asme. I'll suck school out, I guess. At least until it's time to CTB. I just don't think I even want to go through with college. What I want to do most is rot in my bedroom and pretend I'm a dumb retarded dog without responsibility. Maybe I'll come out and mow the lawn or two every few weeks. Can't fuck that up. I just want to become a hikikomori if I can't have social connection.
