Venting Went to therapy for the first time in months

[attackingvertical]

I had a virtual appointment with my old therapist, the first since moving. Honestly I just wanted someone to talk to. I hate talking with friends and family, especially about darker thoughts, because I know I'm making them worry. I also just feel incredibly awkward dealing with other people's anxiety or crying, and I prefer an outsider who I don't have to see daily and who won't freak out.

I briefly mentioned having thoughts of CTB. I didn't mention making a plan or browsing a forum or anything like that, because I don't want to end up hospitalized. I just said it was vague thoughts and not actually wanting to CTB. She said she was going to have to report this to my mom due to safety and ethical reasons.

It feels ridiculous to me. I do get it somewhat from her standpoint, if she said nothing and I did act then the blame would fall on her, but as far as she knows they were passing/bordering intrusive thoughts. I went out on a limb to share and now it feels like my privacy is being breached. I'm 23. As far as I was aware, I thought they couldn't share what you said unless there was reason to believe you were at imminent risk of harming yourself or others. She has also tried to nudge me towards christianity though, so she isn't exactly the best rule follower.

I'm tempted to cancel the next appointment, but my mom is paying for it and paid for four sessions. I'm sure the money would just be refunded back, but I don't want her to realize I don't want to see a therapist anymore. Considering just saying I'd prefer in-person and saying ill reschedule elsewhere.

This is all so dumb. I feel so embarrassed.

 

[BillyBob]

Don't feel ashamed at all. Many people have gone through this situation were they will instantly report you for mentioning those so called Bad words.
I tended to find that most therapists will try and get any small bit of information out of you about if you want to die or are having thoughts then will report it to someone.
It sucks because these are suppose to be trained and trust worthy people and the fact that you are an adult makes it even worse.
If anything, see if you can stick it out for the next 3 more appointments, If they start asking messed up questions, just stop answering them.
Reason I say this is I doubt your mum will get back the money for the therapy since it was only 4 sessions.

 

[iveseenfootage]

I've never been honest with anyone, let alone my therapist, about how deep my feelings of self hatred and suicide go. Honestly nobody would really understand us (even if they wanted to, legally they have to intervene)

 

[Always-in-trouble]

I've never been honest with anyone, let alone my therapist, about how deep my feelings of self hatred and suicide go. Honestly nobody would really understand us (even if they wanted to, legally they have to intervene)

How bad does it get for you? I'm in a similar boat to you where self-hatred is just consuming me.

 

[iveseenfootage]

How bad does it get for you? I'm in a similar boat to you where self-hatred is just consuming me.

I haven't had a positive thought about myself since I was a kid lol. Sounds so melodramatic to say but I haven't ever been happy about myself or my life, even when objectively I should be.

 

[attackingvertical]

Don't feel ashamed at all. Many people have gone through this situation were they will instantly report you for

Yeah, I'll stick it out. I don't wanna waste my mom's money, and if I duck out now it'll look suspicious. Honestly though, I'm wondering what the point even is of therapy beyond wanting someone to talk to. I just wanna talk to someone whose not a family/friend and who I won't have to see frequently. I get embarrassed to talk about mental stuff otherwise.

I've never been honest with anyone, let alone my therapist, about how deep my feelings of self hatred and suicide go. Honestly nobody would really understand us (even if they wanted to, legally they have to intervene)

They really don't unless they've been through it. It'd be nice if we could be honest without worrying about this sort of thing. At least we have the internet I guess

 

[sanctionedusage]

yeah that was a huge overreaction. why did she have to report it to your mom if you're 23? i thought that was only for minors. that's so infantilizing regardless lol

the magic phrase is supposed to be "i have a plan," so that patients can talk about their suicidal ideation before it gets too far while only being intercepted if it's too high risk. therapists are con artists anyway. im sorry that you have no one else to personally talk to, connection is so cathartic.

 

[attackingvertical]

yeah that was a huge overreaction. why did she have to report it to your mom if you're 23? i thought that was only for minors. that's so infantilizing regardless lol

I don't know why. Like to a certain extent I get it: she wouldn't want to not say anything and find out I offed myself, but I never gave her any indication that I was actually going to do it. Just that I'd had thoughts. I've discussed suicidal thoughts with other therapists before and not been reported.

It's fine I guess though. My mom didn't freak out or anything, though she was definitely worried.

A lot of therapists do feel kind of bad. Like not mean, but just kinda incompetent. More than there are good ones. I still miss my very first therapist from highschool.

 

[sanctionedusage]

I don't know why. Like to a certain extent I get it: she wouldn't want to not say anything and find out I offed myself, but I never gave her any indication that I was actually going to do it. Just that I'd had thoughts. I've discussed suicidal thoughts with other therapists before and not been reported.

It's fine I guess though. My mom didn't freak out or anything, though she was definitely worried.

A lot of therapists do feel kind of bad. Like not mean, but just kinda incompetent. More than there are good ones. I still miss my very first therapist from highschool.

my very first therapist was actually amazing too! i met her in junior year for the early onset of severe health anxiety and panic disorder, literally reversed it in a few months. she eventually left to work at a children's psych hospital which paid significantly more. i think this is what happens to most good therapists after 2-3 years, they just get promoted to better positions but become inaccessible to the public.

then i got passed off to a guy fresh out of school who encouraged and enabled my anorexia and the worst obsessive compulsive tendencies of my life, leading to becoming disabled with agoraphobia for 3 years + a chronic illness from organ damage. craziest back to back experience ever.

doll pfp btw?

 

[attackingvertical]

It must be. My old one opened up her own practice, but unfortunately they didn't take my parent's insurance. I was originally seeing her through a program that allowed me to go to therapy during school. That's amazing that she helped so much in a few months.

Did anything ever happen with him? Or is he still dilly dallying around as a therapist? They really do give out degrees and stuff to anyone. I hope you're doing better health wise :(

And yes!! You're the first person that's recognized her (or at least told me they have)

 

[Lamentice]

Do not return to this therapist, they will not help you. Therapy is a crapshoot waste of time with someone who does not respect you. You're an adult (it doesn't matter who is paying for the therapy, you are the client & you are an adult), a discerning therapist will not breach confidentiality over the passing mention of passive suicidal ideation, because it's not considered an imminent threat to safety & they should be concerned with protecting their client's confidentiality and maintaining a relationship first & foremost. Good therapist will let the line be walked until they get a whiff that passive suicidal ideation has progressed into active, because then they are required to switch gears at that point.

She breached confidentiality, treated you as a child by reporting to your mother (instead of treating you as the adult client you are), and has disrespected her own damn practice by preaching to you (which will only escalate fyi, these religious types cannot help themselves). Can't even respect the ethics of her own chosen profession: she's a shit therapist. Wasting time with her will only be a sour experience, don't bother.

 

[sanctionedusage]

It must be. My old one opened up her own practice, but unfortunately they didn't take my parent's insurance. I was originally seeing her through a program that allowed me to go to therapy during school. That's amazing that she helped so much in a few months.

Did anything ever happen with him? Or is he still dilly dallying around as a therapist? They really do give out degrees and stuff to anyone. I hope you're doing better health wise :(

hes dilly dallying to this day ;P suing a MH worker for anything other than recorded assault is a lost cause sadly. its a protected industry vs. the "sick," "unreliable," and young patient. and if shes female, "has bpd too." i showed up one day like 'i think youre wrong about everything and ive destroyed my future following compulsions you instilled' and he just... immediately agreed. then he was all chipper and mentioned our next session and i was like?? no, i'm not coming back, this ruined my life. i even said i actually needed more therapy to reverse the bs he put in my head and he was completely casual about it. no apology, no remorse. just fun n games.

it took 2 years of refeeding and lots of medicine but my health is okay now and im mentally mostly good too :) i tried therapy twice more, realized these really are just random people who read something in college, and instead joined a therapy abuse forum that helped me recover.

tbh, id keep looking for a therapist or a counselor if youre just looking to vent and talk. going into your intro appointment, be rly specific about their policies and values. dont be afraid to ask them questions before letting them interrogate you. someone who respects their job would totally understand and admire the boundary AND see this therapist's error if you also wanna let them know about this experience & why you're asking them those questions.

And yes!! You're the first person that's recognized her (or at least told me they have)

id use an n one but i genuinely think itd be an identifier if an irl snooped here looking for my account