Ways to CTB but make it look like a natural death?

[momentomori00]

I really don't want to traumatize anybody with my death, it feels like a cruel thing to do. I don't have a drug history so any OD would clearly be ruled a suicide, I don't want to go down the 'accident' route because I'd be traumatizing an innocent person, and I'm not sure how to go about this.. Any tips? Would drowning maybe work? I just don't want it to be extremely painful either.

 

[soon4good]

Directly traumatizing someone because they find your body will probably happen no matter the cause of death, somehow pulling off an unsolved disappearance could work?

 

[FnlExitProtocol93]

I really don't want to traumatize anybody with my death, it feels like a cruel thing to do. I don't have a drug history so any OD would clearly be ruled a suicide, I don't want to go down the 'accident' route because I'd be traumatizing an innocent person, and I'm not sure how to go about this.. Any tips? Would drowning maybe work? I just don't want it to be extremely painful either.

I feel you on this, I take medicine and I don't want to just od (also antidepressant SSRI death is from as I understand, extremely painful, especially mentally)
I've wondered if sending my car off an edge or drowning would be a good option. Or combining them so there's no escape. But then people would immediately list it as a suicide.

 

[momentomori00]

Directly traumatizing someone because they find your body will probably happen no matter the cause of death, somehow pulling off an unsolved disappearance could work?

Ah I doubt it, the police force in my country is quite on top of things when it comes to disappearances.

I feel you on this, I take medicine and I don't want to just od (also antidepressant SSRI death is from as I understand, extremely painful, especially mentally)
I've wondered if sending my car off an edge or drowning would be a good option. Or combining them so there's no escape. But then people would immediately list it as a suicide.

Maybe shallow water drowning? I doubt it would hurt as you black out without the feeling of shortness of breath you get with usual drowning.. I'm not 100% sure though. Sending your car off the edge might be more likely to paralyze than kill you so it's risky

 

[WhyMe123]

I really don't want to traumatize anybody with my death, it feels like a cruel thing to do. I don't have a drug history so any OD would clearly be ruled a suicide, I don't want to go down the 'accident' route because I'd be traumatizing an innocent person, and I'm not sure how to go about this.. Any tips? Would drowning maybe work? I just don't want it to be extremely painful either.

Honestly, the thing that I have been grappling with is that regardless, your death will be traumatizing to people that love and care about you.

Drowning would be difficult unless you are potentially taking a bunch of sedatives before you go out to the water, which would make you pass out. But even that is risky because somebody might see you drowning and then they might be able to get help in time.

Also, if you do die in the water and there's a rescue team that is sent out to get you, you might traumatize people that see it when they bring you out on the shore.

The accident route is probably the only way for it to seem like - as the name implies - an accident, but that risks traumatizing other people who might see it (besides just those close to you when they find out) - and it's probably very difficult to fake an accident that would indeed allow you to CBT. I can't even think of one..
Maybe a car crash? But that puts other people's lives in danger. 'Accidentally' falling off a bridge/building would probably not look like an accident, and again - traumatizing for anyone that sees.

All the methods that I've been researching on here would be difficult to rule out as 'natural' because when someone dies young, and they don't really have a history of some kind of medical condition that would have them die suddenly - then it is a law for a coroner to order an autopsy - at which point they would be able to find out how you went.

I'm sorry to say this, but I'm just being honest.

I also want to traumatize my family/friends as little as possible, so I was planning OD + potentially CO poisoning in a tent in a park by my place & sending a scheduled email to a friend who would then call the police in the morning.

This way I would not be discovered by my dad - who I live with. Because that would be a nightmare, even though I'm sure finding out from the police would be its own kind of nightmare.

I don't want to do the hanging method because that's probably more scary for whoever discovers the body & I can't do that in a park & risk someone seeing me before the police.

So yeah might be best to just choose a more peaceful way to go rather than trying to make it look 'natural' cuz it won't & people will be horrified regardless.

& also sorry you feel like this.
Sucks wanting to die badly enough to actually plan it…

 

[momentomori00]

Honestly, the thing that I have been grappling with is that regardless, your death will be traumatizing to people that love and care about you.

Drowning would be difficult unless you are potentially taking a bunch of sedatives before you go out to the water, which would make you pass out. But even that is risky because somebody might see you drowning and then they might be able to get help in time.

Also, if you do die in the water and there's a rescue team that is sent out to get you, you might traumatize people that see it when they bring you out on the shore.

The accident route is probably the only way for it to seem like - as the name implies - an accident, but that risks traumatizing other people who might see it (besides just those close to you when they find out) - and it's probably very difficult to fake an accident that would indeed allow you to CBT. I can't even think of one..
Maybe a car crash? But that puts other people's lives in danger. 'Accidentally' falling off a bridge/building would probably not look like an accident, and again - traumatizing for anyone that sees.

All the methods that I've been researching on here would be difficult to rule out as 'natural' because when someone dies young, and they don't really have a history of some kind of medical condition that would have them die suddenly - then it is a law for a coroner to order an autopsy - at which point they would be able to find out how you went.

I'm sorry to say this, but I'm just being honest.

I also want to traumatize my family/friends as little as possible, so I was planning OD + potentially CO poisoning in a tent in a park by my place & sending a scheduled email to a friend who would then call the police in the morning.

This way I would not be discovered by my dad - who I live with. Because that would be a nightmare, even though I'm sure finding out from the police would be its own kind of nightmare.

I don't want to do the hanging method because that's probably more scary for whoever discovers the body & I can't do that in a park & risk someone seeing me before the police.

So yeah might be best to just choose a more peaceful way to go rather than trying to make it look 'natural' cuz it won't & people will be horrified regardless.

& also sorry you feel like this.
Sucks wanting to die badly enough to actually plan it…

Ah It's so conflicting I really don't want to hurt anybody but I can't bear to stay any longer..maybe accidental poisoning? but idk how believable that would be. drowning might be the way to go, i think if it's a large enough body of water it might be believable, but then, like you said, I'd be traumatizing the rescue team. Is there no way for my body to just not be found? it would make it much easier. Your plan also sounds quite thoughtful, might consider that as well. I just don't want people knowing it's s a suicide, would be too much for my family too handle (esp. because theyre quite religious)..
Wish you all the best, it does suck that we feel this way but oh well

 

[WhyMe123]

Ah It's so conflicting I really don't want to hurt anybody but I can't bear to stay any longer..maybe accidental poisoning? but idk how believable that would be. drowning might be the way to go, i think if it's a large enough body of water it might be believable, but then, like you said, I'd be traumatizing the rescue team. Is there no way for my body to just not be found? it would make it much easier. Your plan also sounds quite thoughtful, might consider that as well. I just don't want people knowing it's s a suicide, would be too much for my family too handle (esp. because theyre quite religious)..
Wish you all the best, it does suck that we feel this way but oh well

Accidental poisoning with what?
Yeah, unfortunately the thing about dying is that it's pretty hard and the body is pretty resilient.

Even if you were to probably eat a bunch of medication from your medicine cabinet, you'd likely survive. The dose & type of poison actually allow someone to leave this existence need to be very carefully picked out. But if you did not survive - it would be super highly unlikely that it would seem like an 'accidental poisoning' because of how high the dose needs to be.

Like I said - an autopsy would be required to perform, during which they'd be able to detect high of certain substances in your blood.

Again - it's hard to poison yourself even if you try to just take a bunch of stuff, so that's why there are whole threads on 'non-methods' because many people try to poison themselves or CTB in another way but survive & end up in a worse situation (OR they might survive & be grateful to be alive & life happily ever after)

There are threads on poisoning too if you choose to go that route. If you can't find, I can share the link.

But yeah faking an accident would be tough.

Feel free to share any specific ideas you have if you want an extra perspective.

 

[momentomori00]

Accidental poisoning with what?
Yeah, unfortunately the thing about dying is that it's pretty hard and the body is pretty resilient.

Even if you were to probably eat a bunch of medication from your medicine cabinet, you'd likely survive. The dose & type of poison actually allow someone to leave this existence need to be very carefully picked out. But if you did not survive - it would be super highly unlikely that it would seem like an 'accidental poisoning' because of how high the dose needs to be.

Like I said - an autopsy would be required to perform, during which they'd be able to detect high of certain substances in your blood.

Again - it's hard to poison yourself even if you try to just take a bunch of stuff, so that's why there are whole threads on 'non-methods' because many people try to poison themselves or CTB in another way but survive & end up in a worse situation (OR they might survive & be grateful to be alive & life happily ever after)

There are threads on poisoning too if you choose to go that route. If you can't find, I can share the link.

But yeah faking an accident would be tough.

Feel free to share any specific ideas you have if you want an extra perspective.

Just went through the poisoning threads, there's way too much of a risk tbh and if my body gets found it'll 100% be ruled a suicide. I don't have any specific ideas, I just wish there was a way for me to disappear and my body to turn up like a year later but ik that's extremely unrealistic. I think I'll just stick to shallow water blackout as it's relatively painless + could maaaybe be ruled accidental.

 

[WhyMe123]

Ok good luck!

I was also thinking if there's something like tall hills or canyons closeby, a jump could seem accidental cuz sometimes hikers can get too confident with going on the edge of hills and stuff but that's risky cuz you could survive unless it's like a really really tall cliff - likely head first would be even more probably to cause death.
You said you don't want it extremely painful so idk how this sounds but I think head first would probably end things pretty quickly.

I'd be so scared but I think that could easily seem accidental. Maybe if someone were to go this way, they can also have some drinks beforehand to make it easier.

Also for your body to be discovered later, you'd need to be vague with your whereabouts. Like just saying you're going to go enjoy some nature instead of saying you're going on a hike & where..?
Idk if you live with your family but maybe you'd need to travel a bit & taking the family car for that would be a jerk move in addition to the burden this would cause..
Plus if you have your own car, you could be found pretty soon if it's parked close by. Hmm..

I've heard of the shallow water drowning & yeah idk how reliable it is but could be worth a shot & could indeed seem like an accident.

Ugh I feel bad giving ideas but I know how it is to want to end things so bad & not having a clear way out.

 

[momentomori00]

Ok good luck!

I was also thinking if there's something like tall hills or canyons closeby, a jump could seem accidental cuz sometimes hikers can get too confident with going on the edge of hills and stuff but that's risky cuz you could survive unless it's like a really really tall cliff - likely head first would be even more probably to cause death.
You said you don't want it extremely painful so idk how this sounds but I think head first would probably end things pretty quickly.

I'd be so scared but I think that could easily seem accidental. Maybe if someone were to go this way, they can also have some drinks beforehand to make it easier.

Also for your body to be discovered later, you'd need to be vague with your whereabouts. Like just saying you're going to go enjoy some nature instead of saying you're going on a hike & where..?
Idk if you live with your family but maybe you'd need to travel a bit & taking the family car for that would be a jerk move in addition to the burden this would cause..
Plus if you have your own car, you could be found pretty soon if it's parked close by. Hmm..

I've heard of the shallow water drowning & yeah idk how reliable it is but could be worth a shot & could indeed seem like an accident.

Ugh I feel bad giving ideas but I know how it is to want to end things so bad & not having a clear way out.

Ahh a jump would be terrifying ngl, plus the area i live in is quite urban, so the only tall structure I could jump off would be a skyscraper/building and that would be ruled a suicide straight away. Maybe if I drive out far enough I'd find somewhere, but I'm afraid my survival instincts would kick in and I'd survive but end up crippled.

I'm supposed to be going overseas soon so I'll be really far away from family, making it easier for me to just 'disappear' however I later choose to go on about it.

also also don't feel bad about the whole giving ideas thing, that's the reason why I'm on this forum lol, and it's not at all your burden nor fault. Lmk (if you're not set on the OD + CO method) if you come across any new methods though!

 

[WhyMe123]

Well actually - do you ever camp?
Because (you can google this) - there's been plenty of campers that have died through accidental CO poisoning in their tent when they brought in the charcoal into their tents after it's done burning and they thought it would help warm up the tent a little bit or want to protect it from rain I think…

The coals emit the most about of CO when the burning dies down. That's when you can't see the smoke (which I guess would be CO2).

So yeah if you were to go camping overseas, that could work. Tents could be bought pretty cheap off Facebook marketplace.

The only thing is - you could just end up with a headache & have SI kick in.. Unless you measure & time the burning of the coals well..
Or you could still survive but be dumber cuz of brain damage from reduced oxygen.
The key is to have a low breathability tent as well.
There's plenty of info about all kinds of factors in the CO poisoning forum.
It's also quite peaceful (unlike jumping off a cliff lol).

Nonetheless would be a pretty ideal 'accidental' way to go cuz there's people have died by accident.

 

[slapntickle]

The only way I've ever thought of that fits the bill is basically jumping off a high cliff or something whilst hiking. Whilst people might think it's a suicide, there is lots you can do to throw them off the scent - make plans in advance, buy tickets for holidays, arrange meetings with people, buy stuff online that should be delivered after the date etc etc.

Bonus points if you're not an experienced hiker (which I'm guessing you're not) - that way it looks like you bit off more than you chew. Find the right height and death is like almost totally guaranteed, and the speed of the impact will knock you out.

 

[momentomori00]

Well actually - do you ever camp?
Because (you can google this) - there's been plenty of campers that have died through accidental CO poisoning in their tent when they brought in the charcoal into their tents after it's done burning and they thought it would help warm up the tent a little bit or want to protect it from rain I think…

The coals emit the most about of CO when the burning dies down. That's when you can't see the smoke (which I guess would be CO2).

So yeah if you were to go camping overseas, that could work. Tents could be bought pretty cheap off Facebook marketplace.

The only thing is - you could just end up with a headache & have SI kick in.. Unless you measure & time the burning of the coals well..
Or you could still survive but be dumber cuz of brain damage from reduced oxygen.
The key is to have a low breathability tent as well.
There's plenty of info about all kinds of factors in the CO poisoning forum.
It's also quite peaceful (unlike jumping off a cliff lol).

Nonetheless would be a pretty ideal 'accidental' way to go cuz there's people have died by accident.

oo dude I had no idea that's a really good shout. Brain damage is a huuge fear of mine so idk though. I'll see. I've still got a lot of time before I go overseas so I'll deliberate. I'll look into the CO info here on this forum as well

The only way I've ever thought of that fits the bill is basically jumping off a high cliff or something whilst hiking. Whilst people might think it's a suicide, there is lots you can do to throw them off the scent - make plans in advance, buy tickets for holidays, arrange meetings with people, buy stuff online that should be delivered after the date etc etc.

Bonus points if you're not an experienced hiker (which I'm guessing you're not) - that way it looks like you bit off more than you chew. Find the right height and death is like almost totally guaranteed, and the speed of the impact will knock you out.

yeahh I've thought of jumping but it makes it a lot more likely for SI to kick in I think, so what if I somehow end up surviving?

 

[Passenger4224]

If I wanted my death to look natural I would take the hypothermia route. Pretend I'm going for a hike and didn't bring enough layers of clothes. Around springtime people up north make this mistake and it costs them their lives :/
Edit: Not sure if there are freezing cold places in your country

I could also be one of those hikers that find a trail that is closed for being too dangerous and hike it anyway. Then I would "accidentally" fall off a steep part and try to land on my head.

Death, suicide or not, will traumatize people. But it would def be worse if it was a suicide so I understand the urge to make it look natural.

 

[diealegend24]

Ah It's so conflicting I really don't want to hurt anybody but I can't bear to stay any longer..maybe accidental poisoning? but idk how believable that would be. drowning might be the way to go, i think if it's a large enough body of water it might be believable, but then, like you said, I'd be traumatizing the rescue team. Is there no way for my body to just not be found? it would make it much easier. Your plan also sounds quite thoughtful, might consider that as well. I just don't want people knowing it's s a suicide, would be too much for my family too handle (esp. because theyre quite religious)..
Wish you all the best, it does suck that we feel this way but oh well

I'm exactly the same way. I refuse to go out in a way that doesn't look accidental, natural or to die in a remote location in which no one will ever find me.

I really don't want to traumatize anybody with my death, it feels like a cruel thing to do. I don't have a drug history so any OD would clearly be ruled a suicide, I don't want to go down the 'accident' route because I'd be traumatizing an innocent person, and I'm not sure how to go about this.. Any tips? Would drowning maybe work? I just don't want it to be extremely painful either.

I'm quite sure there is a way but I just don't know it yet. A while back I made the same post.

My family is very religious and my little brother passed away a month ago. They don't need another death let alone a suicide.

However, I must find a way to go out in a way it looks like an accident.

 

[momentomori00]

If I wanted my death to look natural I would take the hypothermia route. Pretend I'm going for a hike and didn't bring enough layers of clothes. Around springtime people up north make this mistake and it costs them their lives :/
Edit: Not sure if there are freezing cold places in your country

I could also be one of those hikers that find a trail that is closed for being too dangerous and hike it anyway. Then I would "accidentally" fall off a steep part and try to land on my head.

Death, suicide or not, will traumatize people. But it would def be worse if it was a suicide so I understand the urge to make it look natural.

Idk wouldn't hypothermia be extremely painful though? What if you get rescued and just end up missing limbs?
The issue is that I really really don't want to hurt anybody, and it sucks that my death would be traumatizing anyway. Even if i choose to just disappear, people would still be traumatized to an extent. I don't want to burden my mom with that but I literally physically cannot keep going the weight is insurmountable. It's a very selfish choice, but I also don't have it in me to keep going... it's such a dilemma

I'm exactly the same way. I refuse to go out in a way that doesn't look accidental, natural or to die in a remote location in which no one will ever find me.

I'm quite sure there is a way but I just don't know it yet. A while back I made the same post.

My family is very religious and my little brother passed away a month ago. They don't need another death let alone a suicide.

However, I must find a way to go out in a way it looks like an accident.

Yeah there has to be a way, I'll keep looking. If you come across something as well please let me know. Ideally I'd just disappear-- that way it can't be found out if the death was a suicide or not in the first place.

 

[hdead]

Idk wouldn't hypothermia be extremely painful though? What if you get rescued and just end up missing limbs?
The issue is that I really really don't want to hurt anybody, and it sucks that my death would be traumatizing anyway. Even if i choose to just disappear, people would still be traumatized to an extent. I don't want to burden my mom with that but I literally physically cannot keep going the weight is insurmountable. It's a very selfish choice, but I also don't have it in me to keep going... it's such a dilemma

Yeah there has to be a way, I'll keep looking. If you come across something as well please let me know. Ideally I'd just disappear-- that way it can't be found out if the death was a suicide or not in the first place.

You'll hurt people by CTB. It is a fact you cannot get around, unless you're a complete hermit. Even then, people on this forum will likely care and feel some time of emotion if you happen to succeed.

As for hypothermia; it will hurt if you're not sedated at all. Depending on temperatures and wind-chills it also may take a very long time and will be accompanied by confusion and hallucinations. It's a gamble. You can get away with higher temperatures if you're patient enough, but it's surely not an easy route to go. If you're committed, however, 'falling' into cold water (0-1celcius) heavily sedated will get you out of this existence well within 30 minutes. Your call! Might look like an accident, but in my opinion you'll also look kinda dumb.

As for your question; I don't think there really is a way to make it truly look like an accident - not without indicting a third party, anyway. I think you should come to terms with your decision to CTB and the effects it will have on the people that care about you. Maybe try talking about your issues and ideas with them first, before you go out and try. Or just write a really nice letter.

I'm still debating my own plans, but if I go I'd put out a note on my front door so that my loved ones do not come in but call emergency services. That way they'll have the choice of not seeing me in whatever state I'll be in after CTB.

I am lucky though, I have talked about this issue with my folks for a bit and they won't admit me to a psych ward. They are, weirdly enough, accepting of my decision should it come that far. It's also because they helped me with ruining my life, so maybe it's part of them consoling with their own fuckups in the process as well. Who knows.

 

[momentomori00]

You'll hurt people by CTB. It is a fact you cannot get around, unless you're a complete hermit. Even then, people on this forum will likely care and feel some time of emotion if you happen to succeed.

As for hypothermia; it will hurt if you're not sedated at all. Depending on temperatures and wind-chills it also may take a very long time and will be accompanied by confusion and hallucinations. It's a gamble. You can get away with higher temperatures if you're patient enough, but it's surely not an easy route to go. If you're committed, however, 'falling' into cold water (0-1celcius) heavily sedated will get you out of this existence well within 30 minutes. Your call! Might look like an accident, but in my opinion you'll also look kinda dumb.

As for your question; I don't think there really is a way to make it truly look like an accident - not without indicting a third party, anyway. I think you should come to terms with your decision to CTB and the effects it will have on the people that care about you. Maybe try talking about your issues and ideas with them first, before you go out and try. Or just write a really nice letter.

I'm still debating my own plans, but if I go I'd put out a note on my front door so that my loved ones do not come in but call emergency services. That way they'll have the choice of not seeing me in whatever state I'll be in after CTB.

I am lucky though, I have talked about this issue with my folks for a bit and they won't admit me to a psych ward. They are, weirdly enough, accepting of my decision should it come that far. It's also because they helped me with ruining my life, so maybe it's part of them consoling with their own fuckups in the process as well. Who knows.

So then when do I know when my pain is bad enough that it 'justifies' the hurt that others would feel due to my death? Or would it always be deemed a selfish act?
Also wouldn't hypothermia hurt quite a bit even if you're sedated unless you're completely passed out? Or would heavy sedation work just fine?

I've spoken to my mum about issues I face, but whenever the mere idea of suicide is brought up she immediately goes on about how 'stupid' it is because 'there's always light at the end of the tunnel', so I doubt if I choose to go through with it that she'll ever understand.

If you don't mind sharing-- why won't your family admit you to a psych ward? It seems odd that they're accepting of the fact that you might CTB but they don't want to get you as much help as possible first (sorry if I'm intruding).

 

[hdead]

So then when do I know when my pain is bad enough that it 'justifies' the hurt that others would feel due to my death? Or would it always be deemed a selfish act?
Also wouldn't hypothermia hurt quite a bit even if you're sedated unless you're completely passed out? Or would heavy sedation work just fine?

I've spoken to my mum about issues I face, but whenever the mere idea of suicide is brought up she immediately goes on about how 'stupid' it is because 'there's always light at the end of the tunnel', so I doubt if I choose to go through with it that she'll ever understand.

If you don't mind sharing-- why won't your family admit you to a psych ward? It seems odd that they're accepting of the fact that you might CTB but they don't want to get you as much help as possible first (sorry if I'm intruding).

When you know, you know. I guess. I don't have the answer to that question for you personally, but I feel in my system that I'll know when I actually want to go through with it. I think it is inherently a selfish act - then again, staying alive and eating is selfish, enjoy yourself is selfish, surviving is inherently selfish. You're doing it for yourself, I hope? I'd strongly advise against CTB to take revenge on somebody or situation. Wouldn't make sense to me.

As for hypothermia. Yeah, it would be uncomfortable. But I can imagine with the right dose of sedatives (opiods, benzos and alcohol) it should be doable. Maybe you'll just be passed out in the entire process. There's many stories of people walking home and just passing out in a ditch. I can hardly imagine they suffered a lot, but there's no real way to know.

I'm sorry to hear about how your mom responds. It sounds like my dad. He says it's a choice. Surely, it is. But he makes it seem like I can just choose to 'feel better' and to just 'see a future' and work on that. It's not that simple when you struggle with MH issues. He also doesn't realise that my childhood caused most of it, and now I've put myself in the stupid decision to move countries with them. I wanted to help them get a nice pension on the countryside, and as I also thought I wanted to live in the countryside I figured I'd join them. Kinda dumb. But, I wasn't really content where I was anyway. Too busy, too much going on and I never really liked city life anyway. I'm now faced with an isolated life in the country. But at least I'll get to create a very nice garden and stoke up a fireplace in the winter days. I'll likely spend my days painting, playing guitar, fixing up little stuffs around the house and watching the stars - until I get fed up. Maybe I'll make it until the day my parents die, but honestly I feel like I'll leave before them.

My family has taken me to the crisis service - but I was in the lucky position that I'd be moving to another country soon (so the healthcare won't be available to me), and I am rather coherent. The reason for me to be preoccupied with CTB is because I sold all my shit on a whim, thinking I'd be able to create my dream-life without tackling underlying issues. I didn't even really know I had underlying issues. When I started moving my stuff my subconscious just started throwing suicide at me non-stop. I've been in it for almost 6 weeks now and I already have a long history of anxiety and depression. Thinking I'd be able to emigrate, learn a new language, and deal with trying to find a new job in a completely unrelated field or building my own business combined with trying to make new friends (hardly had any real friends, anyway, and a long list of ex's which I horribly broke up with - I'm one of those toxic guys who gets angry when he's misunderstood. Learned a lot, but too little too late now).

Having said that, the psych reasoned with me that I'd just need some doses of quetiapine to rest my mind and get to terms with my decision and the suicideal ideation would stop. I visited them twice more after that to get some temazepam and oxazepam, but it only helped to get me to sleep. In the meantime I wrote off everything I could to make sure I was clear on my issue. And I am. My issue is I wasted my life away where I was, and I had no more place. It's too busy for me here, too many distractions, and too many broken and busy people acting like this whole society is just 'normal'. I have an insane negativity-bias that I can't really come back from, all the outside triggers are so much that I spent most of my days inside the gym or inside my house playing guitar and smoking weed, watching youtube (please don't watch too much youtube, it fucks with you in the end).

After this all, nothing really cleared up. So I talked with my parents. Luckily they have friends whose kids were put into wards, and they got out way worse than they were when they got it. I guess that's part of their reasoning not to put me in one. Also, I still kinda just function. I have terrible days and nights, where I scream into my pillow and drown myself in the regret of my decision. But my position is still rather luxurious. I have money to last me for a decade and I have a beautiful house in the middle of nowwhere with a nice plot of land to garden in. Sadly, I came to the conclusion that I can't really live with myself. I can't formulate a future for myself and I just kinda wanna lay back and try to enjoy what's left before CTB. For some reason, my parents seem to accept my decision. It's just a matter of talking logistics. For example; if I were to go FSH - I'd prefer them to not find me. But how do you go about that. I don't want them living in fear every day possibly expecting to find me the day after. On the other hand, I can't visualize myself sitting at the dinner table and telling them bye-bye, tonight is the night. Only to then chicken out and sit at the table to drink coffee explaining my cowardess. So yeah, I'm in a predicament. Right now, I'm still in the height of it all. Max stress, zero certainty and zero confidence. I've been taking benzos for a week and quetiapine for about five. Once the move is over and I'll have some actual work to do I might start to feel better. But I'll have my methods ready, because I cannot see myself integrating in this new country first of all, and second of all I do not really like the foresight of becoming a fully isolated hermit.

Thanks for reading. As you can see; your question is not so intrusive. I'm more than happy to talk about my situation, because to be honest; it's kinda funny how quickly a stoned dude with a resentment towards society can ruin his own life thinking he's doing something good for himself. I hope God with chuckle with me once I decide to pull the trigger.

 

[momentomori00]

When you know, you know. I guess. I don't have the answer to that question for you personally, but I feel in my system that I'll know when I actually want to go through with it. I think it is inherently a selfish act - then again, staying alive and eating is selfish, enjoy yourself is selfish, surviving is inherently selfish. You're doing it for yourself, I hope? I'd strongly advise against CTB to take revenge on somebody or situation. Wouldn't make sense to me.

Yeahh ig. I've had many moments where I thought I was ready and then I second-guessed myself and a little hope kept me going, perhaps when the time comes I would feel certain.
In terms of the selfishness of it, idk. I don't think surviving is selfish. If I keep living, I make my mum happy, I get more chances to help others, and overall maybe have a positive impact. Same thing with enjoying myself, helping myself allows me to help others.. CTB I can't say the same about. Sure I might end my life before I turn into an even worse person due to my MH issues, but who's to say that I won't heal in like 30 years.. That's why I'm so conflicted about the morality of it all. and yeah dw I'm not doing it as a form of revenge or anything.

As for hypothermia. Yeah, it would be uncomfortable. But I can imagine with the right dose of sedatives (opiods, benzos and alcohol) it should be doable. Maybe you'll just be passed out in the entire process. There's many stories of people walking home and just passing out in a ditch. I can hardly imagine they suffered a lot, but there's no real way to know.

Truee, ig the only other concern would be the risk of being rescued which would SUCK depending on how bad the frostbite had gotten by that point.

I'm sorry to hear about how your mom responds. It sounds like my dad. He says it's a choice. Surely, it is. But he makes it seem like I can just choose to 'feel better' and to just 'see a future' and work on that. It's not that simple when you struggle with MH issues. He also doesn't realise that my childhood caused most of it, and now I've put myself in the stupid decision to move countries with them. I wanted to help them get a nice pension on the countryside, and as I also thought I wanted to live in the countryside I figured I'd join them. Kinda dumb. But, I wasn't really content where I was anyway. Too busy, too much going on and I never really liked city life anyway. I'm now faced with an isolated life in the country. But at least I'll get to create a very nice garden and stoke up a fireplace in the winter days. I'll likely spend my days painting, playing guitar, fixing up little stuffs around the house and watching the stars - until I get fed up. Maybe I'll make it until the day my parents die, but honestly I feel like I'll leave before them.

Mhm, I think for my mom it's simply because she's so religious she can't comprehend the idea of someone accepting 'eternal hell' to end suffering that she sees as temporary. I do envy people who haven't felt enough pain to understand why someone would 'choose' to end it all, it sucks that others aren't as fortunate. Also a garden and a fireplace sound so sick!!
I'm a guitarist too, so spending my days in nature whilst dedicating my time to my instrument sounds amazing. Do you play acoustic (or classical) or electric?

My family has taken me to the crisis service - but I was in the lucky position that I'd be moving to another country soon (so the healthcare won't be available to me), and I am rather coherent. The reason for me to be preoccupied with CTB is because I sold all my shit on a whim, thinking I'd be able to create my dream-life without tackling underlying issues. I didn't even really know I had underlying issues. When I started moving my stuff my subconscious just started throwing suicide at me non-stop. I've been in it for almost 6 weeks now and I already have a long history of anxiety and depression. Thinking I'd be able to emigrate, learn a new language, and deal with trying to find a new job in a completely unrelated field or building my own business combined with trying to make new friends (hardly had any real friends, anyway, and a long list of ex's which I horribly broke up with - I'm one of those toxic guys who gets angry when he's misunderstood. Learned a lot, but too little too late now).

ahh makes sense, I'm quite impulsive as well so I relate a lott. I also have the whole ex's thing, I want on a whole rampage around 2 years ago and it haunts me. I think I underestimated how much people remember and how much impact actions actually have. ah well.

Having said that, the psych reasoned with me that I'd just need some doses of quetiapine to rest my mind and get to terms with my decision and the suicideal ideation would stop. I visited them twice more after that to get some temazepam and oxazepam, but it only helped to get me to sleep. In the meantime I wrote off everything I could to make sure I was clear on my issue. And I am. My issue is I wasted my life away where I was, and I had no more place. It's too busy for me here, too many distractions, and too many broken and busy people acting like this whole society is just 'normal'. I have an insane negativity-bias that I can't really come back from, all the outside triggers are so much that I spent most of my days inside the gym or inside my house playing guitar and smoking weed, watching youtube (please don't watch too much youtube, it fucks with you in the end).

Lmao I relate to the youtube thing, my screentime is abysmal. But it's also the only thing that quiets down my brain just enough for me to not break down. Also about the busyness thing, surely you moving to somewhere thats a bit more quiet and isolated has helped? Although yea dealing with your underlying issues is a must.

After this all, nothing really cleared up. So I talked with my parents. Luckily they have friends whose kids were put into wards, and they got out way worse than they were when they got it. I guess that's part of their reasoning not to put me in one. Also, I still kinda just function. I have terrible days and nights, where I scream into my pillow and drown myself in the regret of my decision. But my position is still rather luxurious. I have money to last me for a decade and I have a beautiful house in the middle of nowwhere with a nice plot of land to garden in. Sadly, I came to the conclusion that I can't really live with myself. I can't formulate a future for myself and I just kinda wanna lay back and try to enjoy what's left before CTB. For some reason, my parents seem to accept my decision. It's just a matter of talking logistics. For example; if I were to go FSH - I'd prefer them to not find me. But how do you go about that. I don't want them living in fear every day possibly expecting to find me the day after. On the other hand, I can't visualize myself sitting at the dinner table and telling them bye-bye, tonight is the night. Only to then chicken out and sit at the table to drink coffee explaining my cowardess. So yeah, I'm in a predicament. Right now, I'm still in the height of it all. Max stress, zero certainty and zero confidence. I've been taking benzos for a week and quetiapine for about five. Once the move is over and I'll have some actual work to do I might start to feel better. But I'll have my methods ready, because I cannot see myself integrating in this new country first of all, and second of all I do not really like the foresight of becoming a fully isolated hermit.

Thanks for reading. As you can see; your question is not so intrusive. I'm more than happy to talk about my situation, because to be honest; it's kinda funny how quickly a stoned dude with a resentment towards society can ruin his own life thinking he's doing something good for himself. I hope God with chuckle with me once I decide to pull the trigger.

Can you pinpoint the reason why you can't live with yourself? is it the whole moving situation and the isolation?
If your parents accept your decision, can't you leave them a note and then still do it in a way in which you're not found? That way there's no uncertainty about what happened, but you spare them the trauma of seeing your dead body. You don't have to tell them beforehand or anything, just whenever you feel certain and then they'd find a note/email/etc. I'd defo say give it some time as everything is fresh and, although idk your exact situation nor feelings, give it a couple of months at a minimum. Maybe you do end up integrating somehow.. or maybe you don't, but even then you'd be a lott more certain about whatever decision you choose to make next.

Personally (again idk everything) I'd say your life is far from ruined. You still have the capacity to possibly make friends and live the life you visualize even if it does take a while. But yeah, if you do choose to CTB eventually I hope it's in a way that's peaceful and serene.

 

[hdead]

Yeahh ig. I've had many moments where I thought I was ready and then I second-guessed myself and a little hope kept me going, perhaps when the time comes I would feel certain.
In terms of the selfishness of it, idk. I don't think surviving is selfish. If I keep living, I make my mum happy, I get more chances to help others, and overall maybe have a positive impact. Same thing with enjoying myself, helping myself allows me to help others.. CTB I can't say the same about. Sure I might end my life before I turn into an even worse person due to my MH issues, but who's to say that I won't heal in like 30 years.. That's why I'm so conflicted about the morality of it all. and yeah dw I'm not doing it as a form of revenge or anything.

Truee, ig the only other concern would be the risk of being rescued which would SUCK depending on how bad the frostbite had gotten by that point.

That seems like a good intent. I hope you can make it work and resolve your MH issues.

Mhm, I think for my mom it's simply because she's so religious she can't comprehend the idea of someone accepting 'eternal hell' to end suffering that she sees as temporary. I do envy people who haven't felt enough pain to understand why someone would 'choose' to end it all, it sucks that others aren't as fortunate. Also a garden and a fireplace sound so sick!!
I'm a guitarist too, so spending my days in nature whilst dedicating my time to my instrument sounds amazing. Do you play acoustic (or classical) or electric?

Depends on what you actually believe. For me, this life seems like hell. Nobody gets out without suffering. If you give your being to some God up there and serve him, you cannot tell me you're without suffering. I think most religious people are quite ignorant and they just make themselves believe. Also it really depends on who you are as a person. Myself, I'm a bit too intelligent for my own liking and also way to empathetic. It's a horrible combination in this world, I can't seem to deal with it.

The garden and the fireplace are nice, for sure. It's the loneliness part that gets to me everytime. I find it hard to relate to people in general, and I used to really like my own company. But as I grow older and not having any children or a partner, or longterm friends - combined with moving far away from my known world (which I didn't like that much anyway, for aforementioned reasons) the loneliness is kinda scaring me a lot more. I play all the guitars I can get my hands on. I have a nice collection. An early 80s strat, a 00's cabronita tele with Davy's, this weird Protocaster, a beautiful Takami western (one of those gibson inspired ones with parralelogram inlays and a dove on the pickguard) and a nylon string. Oh and a beat up squier western. I play them all, I like them all. But I just play to myself. I noodle and improvise, write my own little instrumental songs. Never had the intent of actually doing anything with it, especially not in this day and age. What do you like to play?

ahh makes sense, I'm quite impulsive as well so I relate a lott. I also have the whole ex's thing, I want on a whole rampage around 2 years ago and it haunts me. I think I underestimated how much people remember and how much impact actions actually have. ah well.

Lmao I relate to the youtube thing, my screentime is abysmal. But it's also the only thing that quiets down my brain just enough for me to not break down. Also about the busyness thing, surely you moving to somewhere thats a bit more quiet and isolated has helped? Although yea dealing with your underlying issues is a must.

I haven't actually moved yet. Will be moving next week. I'm still in the limbo phase. It's been tough. I'm looking forward to leaving this busy hell-hole, but I still have some loose ends with work to tie up and there are a bunch of construction things to be done when I get there. Honestly, it's all stressing me tf out. At least it's gonna be good weather for a while and it will be quite still and easy going. I'll get to figure shit out. The thing is, I'll likely not be able to move back into my 'old life', even if I might want to. That's why I'm planning my bus-ride. First of all to make peace with it, second because I feel it will be inevitable. I don't think I'll be able to build a life where I'm going. But hey, I'll see what happens. I'm not too pessimistic, but neither am I optimistic. I'm just trying to retire, honestly. But I'm too young for that, so I won't have the luxury of dying a natural death if I want to keep eating and drinking.. The good part is my parents will be paying utilities and taxes, as I bought the land and the house. That's a win. I get to keep my money. Maybe I can start investing in something - but it's never something I was really interested in. I kinda hate the whole concept of money. 'To earn a living' <- fuck that. We should be given life and you should be able to earn luxury. But who am I.

Can you pinpoint the reason why you can't live with yourself? is it the whole moving situation and the isolation?

It's a long list of things. Childhood trauma that turned me into an aggressive asshole for a while. Coming to terms with that, trying to change. Met with anxiety and rejection over and over again. Self-image issues. Fixed those, but then still had internal self-image issues. Just moved between a lot of social circles and people and I keep moving on and on, having issues to relate. Now, at 36, it seems I have a plethora of undiagnosed MH issues and I've self-medicated on weed for the better part of 16 years of my life. Everything was going well, on the outside. I just never took my insides too seriously because realistically everybody has their issues. The bomb just kind of dropped, my brain snapped last year. I convinced my parents that this would be a great idea, they agreed, and we moved on it really fast. I literally gave it all up. I had a house that was half payed off, I ended all insurances that I had and basically said :"Fuck it, I am unsubscribing from the system". Kinda dumb, because I don't really know how to survive outside the system. Time to find out. That added on top of all the lost relationships, the skipped jobs, the inability to simply be content and happy with a normal western life has brought me to this point where I'm like : Fuck it. I'll try to enjoy gardening without the idea of having to build a life. I have some years to just exist there, anyway, before having to make serious choices. This is luckily not imminent or urgent, at all.

If your parents accept your decision, can't you leave them a note and then still do it in a way in which you're not found? That way there's no uncertainty about what happened, but you spare them the trauma of seeing your dead body. You don't have to tell them beforehand or anything, just whenever you feel certain and then they'd find a note/email/etc. I'd defo say give it some time as everything is fresh and, although idk your exact situation nor feelings, give it a couple of months at a minimum. Maybe you do end up integrating somehow.. or maybe you don't, but even then you'd be a lott more certain about whatever decision you choose to make next.

I'm giving it more than months. I'm gonna be straight; I am way to scared to CTB right now, and realistically with the amount of anxiolytics and wine I have at my disposal I have plenty of time to think on this. I also have to really live that life there before I jump ship. Wouldn't make sense otherwise. I can deal with a little more anxiety and my dealer ships to the new country too. I know the risks of benzos and alcohol, and I know I have enough of it to taper down. Also, natural remedies like chamomille, valerian and passionflower really keep me calm. But yeah, I will leave them a note. The thing is, once it gets to that point I will have to let them know beforehand somehow. I can't have it be a surprise to them, it just feels wrong. For now I promised them I won't do it so they can sleep at night.

Personally (again idk everything) I'd say your life is far from ruined. You still have the capacity to possibly make friends and live the life you visualize even if it does take a while. But yeah, if you do choose to CTB eventually I hope it's in a way that's peaceful and serene.

I appreciate that. I don't really see my life as ruined, I don't know if I said that but I'd like to retract that. I'd rather call it almost complete. I'm like the lesser male lion of a pack that just gets expelled because he's not the strongest one to keep the pool going. Maybe I'm on the wrong end of the 'great reset'. My type is just not one to participate in this modern way of life. I am not the type to go into some kind of entrepeneurship and I don't have the wish for that. Call me lazy, but I just hate working for 8 hours for some service/product that I deem useless. I understand that human life is about progress and creation. Somehow my mindset is more about enjoyment, connection and preservation. I might go on a humanitarian mission someday, but I get so discouraged when I see the progress (or rather regression) of all issues natural and humanitarian these last two decades. I truly feel that humanity is destroying the Earth bit by bit. Population grows and resources are not being used wisely. I'm trying to minimize my impact. I hope to grow my own fruits, veggies and herbs and enjoy that for as long as I can - I trust that if there's something truly there for me, an opportunity will arise. If not, I'll get to enjoy a rather pure part of nature and wonder about that - until the day comes I will CTB.

Concluding; I've been overcome with suicidal thoughts (first had them when I was a young boy) recently in a way that has never been more real. It forced me to look deep into it and I find peace in preparing. The preparation makes it so that I can see myself living for the next few years, maybe even decade.

Appreciate your extended message and compassion to the situation. Would love to have the chance to talk to you in private if you'd be open to that.

 

[Passenger4224]

Idk wouldn't hypothermia be extremely painful though? What if you get rescued and just end up missing limbs?
The issue is that I really really don't want to hurt anybody, and it sucks that my death would be traumatizing anyway. Even if i choose to just disappear, people would still be traumatized to an extent. I don't want to burden my mom with that but I literally physically cannot keep going the weight is insurmountable. It's a very selfish choice, but I also don't have it in me to keep going... it's such a dilemma

Yeah there has to be a way, I'll keep looking. If you come across something as well please let me know. Ideally I'd just disappear-- that way it can't be found out if the death was a suicide or not in the first place.

Hypothermia would def be uncomfortable, no idea how painful it would be but other posts suggest it depends on the temperature. The brain gets confused during hypothermia so I'm not sure how noticeable the pain will be. Probably not the way to go nonetheless, if you are looking for something painless.

 

[momentomori00]

That seems like a good intent. I hope you can make it work and resolve your MH issues.

Hopefully man! but even if the MH issues do resolve, the regret stays and that's not really something I can get rid of

Depends on what you actually believe. For me, this life seems like hell. Nobody gets out without suffering. If you give your being to some God up there and serve him, you cannot tell me you're without suffering. I think most religious people are quite ignorant and they just make themselves believe. Also it really depends on who you are as a person. Myself, I'm a bit too intelligent for my own liking and also way to empathetic. It's a horrible combination in this world, I can't seem to deal with it.

Good point, I do think some are luckier than others though. I agree with the whole ignorance thing, that's why I struggle with religion A LOT. If I choose to believe then I need to ignore inconsistencies or find some odd way of justifying them neither of which I'm interested in doing. Plus science is just a lot more fun (though some do claim science and religion go hand in hand buuut idk). I relate to the intelligence thing, especially in terms of how much it's allowed me to rationalize all of my decisions and justify actions that in hindsight just seem idiotic.

The garden and the fireplace are nice, for sure. It's the loneliness part that gets to me everytime. I find it hard to relate to people in general, and I used to really like my own company. But as I grow older and not having any children or a partner, or longterm friends - combined with moving far away from my known world (which I didn't like that much anyway, for aforementioned reasons) the loneliness is kinda scaring me a lot more. I play all the guitars I can get my hands on. I have a nice collection. An early 80s strat, a 00's cabronita tele with Davy's, this weird Protocaster, a beautiful Takami western (one of those gibson inspired ones with parralelogram inlays and a dove on the pickguard) and a nylon string. Oh and a beat up squier western. I play them all, I like them all. But I just play to myself. I noodle and improvise, write my own little instrumental songs. Never had the intent of actually doing anything with it, especially not in this day and age. What do you like to play?

Yeah loneliness is terrible. Always been lonely, but I've been totally isolated for the past year (due to my own actions) and it's done colossal damage to my psyche. Its a non-zero chance that I find someone like me, but it's just a matter of being patient I guess (You probably know this too). The patience is the most difficult bit ngl.

SAME THING W THE GUITARS!! I got suuper into miscellaneous guitars due to King Gizzard (the Microtonal Banana guitar) and ended up modding this Squier I had. Poor thing got experimented on. By the end of it, it had a fishman (had to be the one for a 7 string guitar to account for the wider neck) that was routed all weird, a kill switch, a kahler bridge, (microtonal) fanned frets, and a separate battery compartment at the back. I called it Theseus because it wasn't a squier anymore lol.
I've never owned a tele, I've heard they're really versatile. Did you customize the protocaster in any way? I've always wanted a one-to-one guitar but I guess I already had that with Theseus. The takamine must be beautiful too (can't say much I don't rlly indulge with acoustics-- not yet at least).

I like to play EVERYTHING. I was rlly deep into metal, particularly PTV, slipknot and A7X. Then I got reeally into polyphia and that style of music (prog metal), then got into Animals as leaders because I love tosin abasi he's so goated. That's around when i started writing songs and they were heavily inspired with that experimental prog style of music. Then jazz happened and that was a whole phase (barney kessel, jim hall, charlie christian, wes montgomery).
Every once in a while i like listening to indie rock (the strokes, soccer mommy, weezer, etc) or just good ol' rock, but yeah.

I haven't actually moved yet. Will be moving next week. I'm still in the limbo phase. It's been tough. I'm looking forward to leaving this busy hell-hole, but I still have some loose ends with work to tie up and there are a bunch of construction things to be done when I get there. Honestly, it's all stressing me tf out. At least it's gonna be good weather for a while and it will be quite still and easy going. I'll get to figure shit out. The thing is, I'll likely not be able to move back into my 'old life', even if I might want to. That's why I'm planning my bus-ride. First of all to make peace with it, second because I feel it will be inevitable. I don't think I'll be able to build a life where I'm going. But hey, I'll see what happens. I'm not too pessimistic, but neither am I optimistic. I'm just trying to retire, honestly. But I'm too young for that, so I won't have the luxury of dying a natural death if I want to keep eating and drinking.. The good part is my parents will be paying utilities and taxes, as I bought the land and the house. That's a win. I get to keep my money. Maybe I can start investing in something - but it's never something I was really interested in. I kinda hate the whole concept of money. 'To earn a living' <- fuck that. We should be given life and you should be able to earn luxury. But who am I.

Mhm it's good you already know you'll get it figured out. As cliche as it sounds all of it IS temporary. Why do you think you won't be able to move back eventually? I agree with the whole money thing, it's all very dystopian especially as meterialistic as everything has gotten recently. It causes people to lose passion, and the purpose of living to begin with.

It's a long list of things. Childhood trauma that turned me into an aggressive asshole for a while. Coming to terms with that, trying to change. Met with anxiety and rejection over and over again. Self-image issues. Fixed those, but then still had internal self-image issues. Just moved between a lot of social circles and people and I keep moving on and on, having issues to relate. Now, at 36, it seems I have a plethora of undiagnosed MH issues and I've self-medicated on weed for the better part of 16 years of my life. Everything was going well, on the outside. I just never took my insides too seriously because realistically everybody has their issues. The bomb just kind of dropped, my brain snapped last year. I convinced my parents that this would be a great idea, they agreed, and we moved on it really fast. I literally gave it all up. I had a house that was half payed off, I ended all insurances that I had and basically said :"Fuck it, I am unsubscribing from the system". Kinda dumb, because I don't really know how to survive outside the system. Time to find out. That added on top of all the lost relationships, the skipped jobs, the inability to simply be content and happy with a normal western life has brought me to this point where I'm like : Fuck it. I'll try to enjoy gardening without the idea of having to build a life. I have some years to just exist there, anyway, before having to make serious choices. This is luckily not imminent or urgent, at all.

Yeah change fucking sucks. Mainly because of the regret and remorse of it all. That's one thing I'm struuggling with, accepting that I'll always be remembered as an asshole by some people. It's a good thing you're addressing things now though, change is always possible (but difficult). Plus future you might thank you. Also do you know what made you snap last year? On a more positive note though, this might be the right choice to make (moving, i mean) and it's just hectic at first. I'm glad you're taking it slow and planning to chill for a while.

I'm giving it more than months. I'm gonna be straight; I am way to scared to CTB right now, and realistically with the amount of anxiolytics and wine I have at my disposal I have plenty of time to think on this. I also have to really live that life there before I jump ship. Wouldn't make sense otherwise. I can deal with a little more anxiety and my dealer ships to the new country too. I know the risks of benzos and alcohol, and I know I have enough of it to taper down. Also, natural remedies like chamomille, valerian and passionflower really keep me calm. But yeah, I will leave them a note. The thing is, once it gets to that point I will have to let them know beforehand somehow. I can't have it be a surprise to them, it just feels wrong. For now I promised them I won't do it so they can sleep at night.

That's good to hear. And yeah when the time comes, you would've had enough time to deliebrate and do what feels fit so it probably wouldn't be (as) conflicting.

I appreciate that. I don't really see my life as ruined, I don't know if I said that but I'd like to retract that. I'd rather call it almost complete. I'm like the lesser male lion of a pack that just gets expelled because he's not the strongest one to keep the pool going. Maybe I'm on the wrong end of the 'great reset'. My type is just not one to participate in this modern way of life. I am not the type to go into some kind of entrepeneurship and I don't have the wish for that. Call me lazy, but I just hate working for 8 hours for some service/product that I deem useless. I understand that human life is about progress and creation. Somehow my mindset is more about enjoyment, connection and preservation. I might go on a humanitarian mission someday, but I get so discouraged when I see the progress (or rather regression) of all issues natural and humanitarian these last two decades. I truly feel that humanity is destroying the Earth bit by bit. Population grows and resources are not being used wisely. I'm trying to minimize my impact. I hope to grow my own fruits, veggies and herbs and enjoy that for as long as I can - I trust that if there's something truly there for me, an opportunity will arise. If not, I'll get to enjoy a rather pure part of nature and wonder about that - until the day comes I will CTB.

oo right I get you. I feel a similar way, though I'm hoping to get into academia but that's a whole other can of worms (lack of funding, AI, etc). And yeah we are destroying the earth. I think one of the worst things that's happening right now is the rise of anti-intellectualism it drives me mad. The more ignorant you are the more likely it is that you can justify whatever action you partake in, even if it ends up harming (millions of) people. The way yoou describe everything comes across as peaceful and I hope it is that way when you settle in, whether opportunities arise or not.

Concluding; I've been overcome with suicidal thoughts (first had them when I was a young boy) recently in a way that has never been more real. It forced me to look deep into it and I find peace in preparing. The preparation makes it so that I can see myself living for the next few years, maybe even decade.

Appreciate your extended message and compassion to the situation. Would love to have the chance to talk to you in private if you'd be open to that.

Hope whatever decision you make brings you peace! and yeah I'd be down to talk in private but idk how to do that here

Hypothermia would def be uncomfortable, no idea how painful it would be but other posts suggest it depends on the temperature. The brain gets confused during hypothermia so I'm not sure how noticeable the pain will be. Probably not the way to go nonetheless, if you are looking for something painless.

Yeahh I wouldn't want to find out how painful it is when it's too late

 

[Oiled Sandwich]

I think we all need to come to an agreement that regardless of how we go, someone is going to be traumatized. I wished the world worked like a Disney movie where we make grand departures, but the truth is that reality is gritty and hectic. Emotions are on a constantly shifting spectrum. People will have their opinions regardless of what actions an individual takes with regards to their method of ctb. Whether it be seen as an accident or not, people will react the way people always do when they hear about someone's passing.

 

[momentomori00]

I think we all need to come to an agreement that regardless of how we go, someone is going to be traumatized. I wished the world worked like a Disney movie where we make grand departures, but the truth is that reality is gritty and hectic. Emotions are on a constantly shifting spectrum. People will have their opinions regardless of what actions an individual takes with regards to their method of ctb. Whether it be seen as an accident or not, people will react the way people always do when they hear about someone's passing.

Yeahh that does make sense rationally, it's just a difficult truth to come to terms with. I don't want my last action alive to be deemed a selfish one. I've been lurking a lot in Suicide Bereavement subreddits to try to understand how my passing would affect others, and it sucks man. So many people grieve for decades, and for most the feeling of anger never really goes away (majority of ppl on there struggle to forgive the person who CTB). That's part of the reason why I'm so stuck, I don't wanna alter the trajectory of anybody's life or leave them with a feeling of unresolved anger for the rest of their lives, regardless of how wronged I've been or how hurt I am. That being said I know that once the pain becomes unbeearable there would be no way out of it but CTB so oh well.

 

[Oiled Sandwich]

Yeahh that does make sense rationally, it's just a difficult truth to come to terms with. I don't want my last action alive to be deemed a selfish one. I've been lurking a lot in Suicide Bereavement subreddits to try to understand how my passing would affect others, and it sucks man. So many people grieve for decades, and for most the feeling of anger never really goes away (majority of ppl on there struggle to forgive the person who CTB). That's part of the reason why I'm so stuck, I don't wanna alter the trajectory of anybody's life or leave them with a feeling of unresolved anger for the rest of their lives, regardless of how wronged I've been or how hurt I am. That being said I know that once the pain becomes unbeearable there would be no way out of it but CTB so oh well.

Yeah, I know how you feel. I spent so much of my life trying not to step on peoples' toes. After my final mental breakdown, I lost the ability to care. I know leaving will hurt many people, but those same people would have been the ones to tell me that my problems were temporary, when they weren't.

Everyone always says problems are temporary, but will then turn around and say ctb has lasting affects on people. I hate the hypocrisy.

 

[diealegend24]

The only way I've ever thought of that fits the bill is basically jumping off a high cliff or something whilst hiking. Whilst people might think it's a suicide, there is lots you can do to throw them off the scent - make plans in advance, buy tickets for holidays, arrange meetings with people, buy stuff online that should be delivered after the date etc etc.

Bonus points if you're not an experienced hiker (which I'm guessing you're not) - that way it looks like you bit off more than you chew. Find the right height and death is like almost totally guaranteed, and the speed of the impact will knock you out.

That's true