Was supposed to CTB tonight - my plan fell apart.

[purrpetrator]

I was planning on CTB tonight, after I visited my friend. Now, I've been very open about my mental health issues with her - even told her I thought about suicide on a daily basis. I've visited a few times but.. it seems like this time she knew something was off? She can see through people so well that it's kinda scary. But I think I made it a little obvious, too. I think I said smth like "this is it"

Got hit with "I knew it, you wanted to actually go through with it. This was gonna be your last stop. I'm not letting you hurt yourself though."

So.. she PHYSICALLY wouldn't let me leave. She locked and bolted her door, and then had her ex guard it as well. My only other option was to jump out of the window, but we're on the third floor. I really wasn't trying to break my damn legs, so I just gave up for tonight. After being holed up for a few hours, she dragged me out to go golfing. I did have a little fun but honestly a huge part of me was really salty that my plan was thwarted. We went home after 2 hours.

As I'm writing this I'm still over at her house - being closely monitored. 4 AM. I'm so exhausted , I just want to die. Why won't people let me die. I adore her but I feel like a sick animal that people don't want to euthanize. I'm so tired. 🫩

Her and her ex are both asleep, I really could just order a ride and kill myself.. but it's so late now that all I want to do rn is sleep. Infuriating.

 

[Jadeith]

It's not a competition, it's not a race. If you feel that you need it and that's your final choice - you'll do it. Just later.
If you decide you want to stay, because of her or because of sth else - you'll stay. No judgement.
But or now i'd suggest you play along. You wouldn't want to agitate your friend. It might lead to your incarceration and your choice would be taken from you for a prolonged period of time..

 

[MyMomWasMyLife]

She really cares about you. It's nice to have a friend like that. I hope you feel better tomorrow.

 

[Forveleth]

Better than a pysch ward, at least.

 

[witchcraft]

Better than a pysch ward, at least.

Good lord is this facts or what; my (admittedly very short) stay in the psych ward was incredibly traumatizing.

Not trying to invalidate OP's feelings or make them feel guilty, but I was imagining what it'd be like to have such a friend. Albeit, I changed some of the details in my mind, like the fact that her ex was with her...(????????)

 

[purrpetrator]

Better than a pysch ward, at least.

Yeah, for sure. I've been involuntarily admitted six times so this is definitely preferable

 

[youremy]

How long have you been thinking about suicide daily for?

I've reached a point where I cannot stomach spending time with someone else, even if I know they care about me. I was reading a post recently about someone in the US wanting to drive out thousands of miles with very little money and FSH themselves in the woods. They described this as "cornering themselves".

I've also "cornered myself", but in relation to my entire life situation instead of driving out somewhere. About 2 months ago I decided "things are bad, let's see how much worse they can get", and it's the second time in my life that I've done such a thing. And things have, in fact, got so bad that the only way out I see is CTB (much like the first time around that I'd done this).

So now when I actually spend time with another person and the conversation centers around anything that reminds me of the future or gives some semblance of hope I become extremely apprehensive and want to escape, immediately. Admittedly, these people whom I say I feel they care are never long-time friends of mine, I've never really managed to keep those.

I mentioned suicide to some of the people I've talked to recently but I'm not doing it again. It's become my only escape hatch and I don't want someone to close it for me. I can very much relate to you feeling "salty" - I feel that at this point, if someone wanted to forcefully keep me here I'd feel nothing but disdain.

 

[GT Darkarage]

How long have you been thinking about suicide daily for?

I've reached a point where I cannot stomach spending time with someone else, even if I know they care about me. I was reading a post recently about someone in the US wanting to drive out thousands of miles with very little money and FSH themselves in the woods. They described this as "cornering themselves".

I've also "cornered myself", but in relation to my entire life situation instead of driving out somewhere. About 2 months ago I decided "things are bad, let's see how much worse they can get", and it's the second time in my life that I've done such a thing. And things have, in fact, got so bad that the only way out I see is CTB (much like the first time around that I'd done this).

So now when I actually spend time with another person and the conversation centers around anything that reminds me of the future or gives some semblance of hope I become extremely apprehensive and want to escape, immediately. Admittedly, these people whom I say I feel they care are never long-time friends of mine, I've never really managed to keep those.

I mentioned suicide to some of the people I've talked to recently but I'm not doing it again. It's become my only escape hatch and I don't want someone to close it for me. I can very much relate to you feeling "salty" - I feel that at this point, if someone wanted to forcefully keep me here I'd feel nothing but disdain.

I understand this part. I'm like at the same point. Actually I'm trying to pretend that I can live or do a few tasks. Like applying to a job or whatever else but I don't really want to pretend I can go any further.

I don't want to think on the future, I don't want to think in the past. I don't want to do nothing for me or someone else.

This feeling of getting "trapped" in life is so horrible.

And also I agree. Never telling anyone you want to ctb. It doesn't really helps. People will just try to pretend they will do something to save you but.

At the end is your mind. I'm corrupted.
I don't want to loose the opportunity to ctb due to a false hope.

I was planning on CTB tonight, after I visited my friend. Now, I've been very open about my mental health issues with her - even told her I thought about suicide on a daily basis. I've visited a few times but.. it seems like this time she knew something was off? She can see through people so well that it's kinda scary. But I think I made it a little obvious, too. I think I said smth like "this is it"

Got hit with "I knew it, you wanted to actually go through with it. This was gonna be your last stop. I'm not letting you hurt yourself though."

So.. she PHYSICALLY wouldn't let me leave. She locked and bolted her door, and then had her ex guard it as well. My only other option was to jump out of the window, but we're on the third floor. I really wasn't trying to break my damn legs, so I just gave up for tonight. After being holed up for a few hours, she dragged me out to go golfing. I did have a little fun but honestly a huge part of me was really salty that my plan was thwarted. We went home after 2 hours.

As I'm writing this I'm still over at her house - being closely monitored. 4 AM. I'm so exhausted , I just want to die. Why won't people let me die. I adore her but I feel like a sick animal that people don't want to euthanize. I'm so tired. 🫩

Her and her ex are both asleep, I really could just order a ride and kill myself.. but it's so late now that all I want to do rn is sleep. Infuriating.

I understand you. It is hard to ctb.
Take your time, as much as you need. Take a rest then you can think a bit more about it all.

I hope you're ok by the moment.

 

[groovygoober]

How long have you been thinking about suicide daily for?

I've reached a point where I cannot stomach spending time with someone else, even if I know they care about me. I was reading a post recently about someone in the US wanting to drive out thousands of miles with very little money and FSH themselves in the woods. They described this as "cornering themselves".

I've also "cornered myself", but in relation to my entire life situation instead of driving out somewhere. About 2 months ago I decided "things are bad, let's see how much worse they can get", and it's the second time in my life that I've done such a thing. And things have, in fact, got so bad that the only way out I see is CTB (much like the first time around that I'd done this).

I have been self sabotaging for years too , somehow every time I think this is it , a new thread of hope comes down and I have to give it a go but because I don't actually want to succeed I don't try and I fail and I think well this it I have to do it but somehow someway another thread appears and the cycle repeats .
A conclusion in any way , shape or form will help us a lot I reckon .

 

[youremy]

@groovygoober What goals do you have? or any small ones you think you would at least like to have?

I'm not talking about "dream goals", "ultimate achievements". Some things that would make you feel like "Yeah, this is bearable, I can keep moving forward. Doing this actually makes me want to look forward to the next week."

I'm asking because "a new thread of hope coming down and wanting to give it a go" seems very much distant from the predicament that I've found myself in, and I find that quite interesting.

What do you consider the self-sabotating to look like in your case?

For me, twice it has been finding myself in an incredibly shitty situation, understanding that at this point it would be excruciatingly difficult to come back from (especially due to how bad I am forming relationships with other people - I'm extremely insecure and frequently find myself unawaringly saying untactful or stupid things that eventually lead to me coming across as an arrogant fool), and then deciding - fuck it, let's burn all the bridges and make my life a hellscape.

Your predicament, at least at first glance, seems to be slightly different. Want to share?

People will just try to pretend they will do something to save you but.

I'm not sure that this is always the case.

1. It really depends on the person. I've met people who've been brought to tears when hearing about my predicament and how I feel. Some of them my exes, some of them friends that I wasn't extremely close to, but who nonetheless cared.
2. Assume for a second they actually care - place themselves in their position. Let's even add to this your perspective. What can they do? You're both adults with very little influence on each other's lives, except for some support and encouragement. They will seldom be able to change your day-to-day reality. And I think that at a ccertain age that becomes the biggest and most diffuclt part of our daily struggle.

At the end is your mind. I'm corrupted.

And this line would be the essence of my last point that I made above.