Wanting to CTB tomorrow, but...

[GoneTomorrow]

Hello everyone,

New here, I've been lurking for the past week or so ever since I discovered this website before I finally decided to create an account.

As the title of this thread says, I am wanting to CTB tomorrow by jumping. There's a 80m (262ft) drop into water from a bridge very close to where I live, and that's my method of choice as I cannot figure out any other method that is easily accessible to me (I've read about DSL, but I cannot figure out how to find the website). However, I have tried jumping in the past, but a couple factors have prevented me from doing so - namely SI, but also guilt.

To give more insight on that last aspect, I guess I will share the gist of my story. I am a 30 y/o gay man, with a plethora of mental illnesses: anxiety, depression, OCD, NPD and BPD. BPD in particular has been incredibly detrimental to my life; I've been diagnosed with it during my last stay in the psych ward in January for suicidal ideation, and I've come to realize just how much it's made me feel like an empty shell ever since my teens. I have no interests, no passions, and I feel like I've only been muddling my way through life without really ever wanting to live.

As for my current situation, I have been severely depressed for the past three years. I've been living with my mom and stepfather ever since COVID, I've been without a job for almost a year (I do have certifications, but there are no jobs in my field since the advent of AI), I am very socially isolated with almost no friends, but most importantly, I am in love with a straight man - and that aspect hurts me like hell, which is probably amplified by my BPD. I do still hang out with him online every day, and those moments do bring me some kind of solace, but I can never get over the fact that he will never love me back. Still, I do feel guilty about leaving him behind, especially because he's been a really good friend to me and that he doesn't deserve the pain that it will cause him.

Another big factor of guilt is my mom. While my father is dead to me at this point - he and my stepmother abused me during my teens -, my mom has always done her best to be there for me and care for me when no one else would. And I know that it would destroy her if I were to CTB. However, after trying to better myself by consulting multiple health professionals and going to therapy, I just can't find another way out of this personal hell. And that brings me an uncomparable sense of guilt, especially because I should count myself lucky to have such a supportive parent - but everything still hurts like hell, and I just want to find peace and stop hurting like this all of the time.

I know this post is all over the place, but I guess my question is... Am I still right in wanting to CTB? As for SI, I do have benzos and alcohol to help with that, but I fear that guilt will hold me back at the last second and that I'll end up in the psych ward again, which I would not wish on my worst enemy. Does anybody have any insights?

Thank you very much.

 

[LostZombie]

This reminds me of something I used to hear all the time its "Suicide is selfish"

That is wrong, there is nothing wrong with how you feel it's okay if you want to CTB or not; its okay to feel guilty or not; its okay to feel these emotions as they make you who you are. So the question you should ask is, what do those emotions mean, and what do want to do with them?

Its your choice whatever you choose in the end, but think it over to make the most well educated decision you can.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Sorry life has brought you here . No one should tell you if you should or shouldn't CTB.
I think it's our own personal right , if we choose. I wish everyone could find a way to get better. Sadly that doesn't happen for many of us.
I don't know about heights.... Anything could happen with any method.

Mental illness is tough. I don't know if we can get better. I've had anxiety and depression my entire life, or as long as I can remember. I don't really have many interests either other than music.
AI seems to be ruining alot of things. I wouldn't beat yourself up about not being able to get a job that AI took away.
Sorry about the guy you are in love with. It's hard when someone doesn't feel the same way straight or gay. Does he know how you feel ?
I didn't see if that was mentioned. Maybe talk to other gay men on. Apps to distract from him. Not saying you need to hookup,, just chat.

Guilt is a bitch... That's the only reason I'm here. That and S.I.
If my parents were gone, I would be also.

I doubt I helped but just wanted to share a few thoughts.

 

[GoneTomorrow]

This reminds me of something I used to hear all the time its "Suicide is selfish"

That is wrong, there is nothing wrong with how you feel it's okay if you want to CTB or not; its okay to feel guilty or not; its okay to feel these emotions as they make you who you are. So the question you should ask is, what do those emotions mean, and what do want to do with them?

Its your choice whatever you choose in the end, but think it over to make the most well educated decision you can.

Thank you for your wise words. Indeed, it's hard to dissociate oneself from the feeling that CTB is inherently selfish. As my mom herself has told me, "I have given you life, but I cannot force you to stay alive solely because of that."

I will sleep on it and see how I feel tomorrow, just to make sure that I am making the right decision. Thank you again.

Sorry life has brought you here . No one should tell you if you should or shouldn't CTB.
I think it's our own personal right , if we choose. I wish everyone could find a way to get better. Sadly that doesn't happen for many of us.
I don't know about heights.... Anything could happen with any method.

Mental illness is tough. I don't know if we can get better. I've had anxiety and depression my entire life, or as long as I can remember. I don't really have many interests either other than music.
AI seems to be ruining alot of things. I wouldn't beat yourself up about not being able to get a job that AI took away.
Sorry about the guy you are in love with. It's hard when someone doesn't feel the same way straight or gay. Does he know how you feel ?
I didn't see if that was mentioned. Maybe talk to other gay men on. Apps to distract from him. Not saying you need to hookup,, just chat.

Guilt is a bitch... That's the only reason I'm here. That and S.I.
If my parents were gone, I would be also.

I doubt I helped but just wanted to share a few thoughts.

Thank you for making me feel less alone in the whole mental health conundrum. I also used to be very interested in music, but unfortunately, even that has come to fade recently.

Heights are indeed very scary, but hopefully with alcohol and benzos I will be able to surpass that fear.

The guy does know about my feelings, but unfortunately he does not feel the same way, as he is 100% straight. I did try to chat with some guys on apps, but it just seems to make things worse, as they mostly just want to hook up - chatting does not really interest them, especially with people who are as depressed as I am.

And you did help me by sharing your thoughts, thank you very much. I hope we can both find peace, one way or another.


I'm about to get online with the guy that I love, so as usual, that will give me a few hours of solace before I fall back into my old patterns again. I will probably post here again tomorrow if I truly intend to go through with it. Until then, take care everyone