Venting Want to kill myself, have no willpower to actually do so (+philosophy(?) rant thing)

[toyu]

What the title says. I have the sodium nitrite, and I have for a while, but I just can't do it. Anytime I strongly feel the urge to do it I have something that makes it so I can't (eg. not wanting to do it close to a friends birthday). Also, taking medication has made it so I don't constantly feel terrible, but I certainly don't want to live. Because of the medication though I don't feel strongly enough to actually go through with it. I feel like most of it though is just my general lack of willpower to do anything every. I have no drive to do anything, be it something I like, or killing myself.

Post mostly ends there but another thing I've kinda thought about for a while:

On a semi related note I worry that it could be a possibility that it might be impossible to ever actually experience death. I know it like sounds stupid, and it's probably just me being goofy in the head or something, but it is something that worries me. I probably can't explain this well because I'm tired as shit and am just rambling, but I personally believe that all life is is what we experience, and that time is infinite in both directions, and I believe that because of that everything possible will happen an infinite amount of times. If this is true, and I were to kill myself, I feel like I would never really be able to experience that, since I'd be dead and would no longer have an "experience", so I wouldn't be able to know that, but there could be some time a huge number of years in the future where a version of me has the exact same life experiences, but didn't end up dying. I worry that that's the only possible thing I'd be able to experience, because that's the only like iteration of me that would continue to have personal experience. This is terribly explained, I'm bad at turning my thoughts into words and I'm sorry for that, I could also just be crazy. There's probably some sort of name for this line of thinking, but I don't know it. Sorry if I sound insanely stupid in this post.

 

[gottacheckout]

It is perfectly OK to not ctb.

 

[toyu]

It is perfectly OK to not ctb.

I want to though, I do not want to live, I just cannot get myself to go through with it.

 

[Mooncry]

I am also a victim of zero willpower. Killing oneself takes so much work. You have to deal with all of the strong emotions that come with it, you need to set everything up, then actually commit to doing it, which takes an insane amount of discipline. For me, it's not just "mix SN and drink it." I mean, it is, but it also isn't.

Most of the time, it's so much easier to just rot in my misery and either sleep, eat, or find some other distraction. And then people who don't know where we're coming from just assume "YoU'RE nOT ReADy aND tHat'S oKaY." I'm so tired of hearing that. Suicide just isn't that black and white. Most of the time, you're not going to feel ready, it's just something you need to push yourself to do if it's what you really want.

Anyway, rant over. Totally understand having no willpower, although not sure I fully understand the philosophical part. I'm not very good at comprehending stuff like that though.

It is perfectly OK to not ctb.

Respectfully, comments like this are so unhelpful and low-effort.

 

[toyu]

I am also a victim of zero willpower. Killing oneself takes so much work. You have to deal with all of the strong emotions that come with it, you need to set everything up, then actually commit to doing it, which takes an insane amount of discipline. It's not just "mix SN and drink it." I mean, it is, but it also isn't.

Most of the time, it's so much easier to just rot in my misery and either sleep, eat, or find some other distraction. And then people who don't know where we're coming from just assume "YoU'RE nOT ReADy aND tHat'S oKaY." I'm so tired of hearing that. Suicide just isn't that black and white. Most of the time, you're not going to feel ready, it's just something you need to push yourself to do if it's what you really want.

Anyway, rant over. Totally understand having no willpower, although not sure I fully understand the philosophical part. I'm not very good at comprehending stuff like that though.

Respectfully, comments like this are so unhelpful and low-effort.

Yeah pretty much how I feel exactly. Though I can appreciate people trying to push people away from killing themselves, because I don't 100% agree with the purpose of this forum (I am a hypocrite)

Also with the philosophical part I feel like it's also just me being bad at explaining it, I don't think it's an issue on your end.

 

[Mooncry]

Yeah pretty much how I feel exactly. Though I can appreciate people trying to push people away from killing themselves, because I don't 100% agree with the purpose of this forum (I am a hypocrite)

Also with the philosophical part I feel like it's also just me being bad at explaining it, I don't think it's an issue on your end.

I agree that nobody should encourage people to kill themselves. I'm just tired of people who can't wrap their heads around the nuances of why someone who wants to would still be struggling to go through with it. Taking the condescending route of "you're just not ready" is annoying. I don't know about you, but I don't appreciate assumptions about how I feel, especially with something as personal as suicide.

Steering people away from wanting to CTB through kindness and understanding on the other hand, yes—completely agree. Sorry, not trying to derail your thread lol

 

[toyu]

I agree that nobody should encourage people to kill themselves. I'm just tired of people who can't wrap their heads around the nuances of why someone who wants to would still be struggling to go through with it. Taking the condescending route of "you're just not ready" is annoying. I don't know about you, but I don't appreciate assumptions about how I feel, especially with something as personal as suicide.

Steering people away from wanting to CTB through kindness and understanding on the other hand, yes—completely agree. Sorry, not trying to derail your thread lol

Fair enough.

Also it's not an issue, I appreciate the insight.

 

[SpinandPainr]

I agree that nobody should encourage people to kill themselves. I'm just tired of people who can't wrap their heads around the nuances of why someone who wants to would still be struggling to go through with it. Taking the condescending route of "you're just not ready" is annoying. I don't know about you, but I don't appreciate assumptions about how I feel, especially with something as personal as suicide.

Steering people away from wanting to CTB through kindness and understanding on the other hand, yes—completely agree. Sorry, not trying to derail your thread lol

this is very real. I just had a conversation with a friend earlier about it. much harder to place a gun to my head than hanging (tried to ctb this way before was interrupted) due to perceived violence. before they were so restricted to find I lived in pill mill country and had a near successful oxy-klono combo OD. took no effort. I was able to write out notes to loved ones and clean as I waited for sleep. It's so hard to enact an act of violence on oneself.