“vices” is what kept me alive

[starboy2k]

Vices are what kept me alive when, honestly, I could've ended things a long time ago.

Drugs kept me alive.
Sex kept me alive.
Constant gaming kept me alive.
Masturbating kept me alive.
Junk food kept me alive.
Consumerism kept me alive.
Endless doomscrolling and entertainment kept me alive.

Not seeking real life "community."
Not thinking about "loved ones."
Not pretending to be happy while frolicking in half-dead grass, acting like life is beautiful.

Vices kept me alive. My isolating man-child desires and activities actually kept me alive.
And guess what…….they're not really working anymore

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

We sound pretty similar. I remember when I had my head on straight, when I had discipline, worked toward goals. But I let myself go and got old. The terror that I might waste my life has turned to the horror that I did.