Venting very pathetic vent of me completely losing hope for real this time

[matchalavendercake]

oh wow so i have not went here for months, but i am actually back now...

the reason is i randomly decided to start being on roblox again after have quitted being there ever since 2022 which is 3 whole years, i suddenly realized i rlly missed being on there and also missed my old friends. i wanted to reconnect with them so badly, especially bcs i was supposed to have done that back in june 2022 but i got too scared so i quitted roblox instead. i eventually tried reaching out to one of them, and turns out she and some of my other old friends whom is also friends with her actually remember me! mainly bcs i was the one who gave her her dream item as an early bday gift back in 2020, but i was so glad not being forgotten, and when we played games together while celebrating her bday which was on june 28, i felt like i was starting to feel alive again and was the most fun i had in awhile. i genuinely was even considering not ctb just for them, bcs they were surprisingly helping me feel better!

i rlly thought things were going to get somewhat better for me, but oh was i so fucking wrong!!! on the beginning of july, drama was happening and one of them started being vile and got worse as time went by, i was even starting to get more attached to her than anyone else before the drama happened and i got so attached shortly after we celebrated the other friend's bday. i rlly did not think she would ever turn out this way, and that broke my heart so extremely fucking much. so just like that, my mental state was deteriorating again and the void i had that was getting filled started getting real empty again. i did appreciate how the others were still good and tried being there for me bcs they knew how badly this was all hurting me, but starting this month i genuinely could not endure anymore and reached my breaking point. i couldn't stop feeling incomplete no matter what and i wasn't able to be fine without her, so i decided to quit roblox again and go back to being a complete social recluse. ofc i feel deeply horrible for leaving them behind, but srsly i just couldn't fucking handle all this pain anymore and she is now one of the main reasons i will actually ctb.....

at this point i am truly sincerely done with everything and i rlly just need to escape from this hellhole of a universe wayyy so fucking much more than ever now. i was already fucking wounded enough and now i am beyond worse than before, whyyy just fucking why??! i just wanted to feel okay and alive in this universe, but rlly is clear i was meant to just put myself out of my misery. life in this universe is so fucking unfair and unbearable, so i rather just finally escape than endure anymore suffering i keep getting subjected to. was hoping i could ctb before i turn 20 this year but now that i spent the $100 i had i'm going to have to wait until i have the money to get what i need to ctb, which will most likely be after my bday which is on oct 28. oh and i remember saying in this website i hope no one finds out how much i've been sh, well guess what happened last month my mom ended up finding out while i was getting ready for a dentist appointment, i also ended up relapsing after not having sh for quite a while so that makes what she saw more worse... then after going back to my house, my mom contacted a mental service thingy and a few ppl from that service had to get to the house to check up on me, and i almost got sent to the fucking mental hospital

 

[EternalHunger]

It genuinely hurts when you are put into a position where what feels like hope is just stripped away from you, especially with someone you genuinely trusted and felt really attached with (though in my case I've equally hurt them...). it happened with so many people who I've trusted that I've grown to be socially reclusive as well so I understand a lot on how you must've felt in that moment.

I can tell from experience it's not an easy thing to stomach feeling so abandoned, especially if it is over countless times, and I hope that you don't have to go through that again like I have but I also just want you to see that you still have others who seem to genuinely care even if it doesn't feel anywhere near the level you felt with her; even if you don't feel as though you'd want to contact them right now, just recognising that they can be there for you can help a lot (it doesn't even have to be discussing on topics extremely personal/depressing topics if you are scared to push them away, but just spending time with people like that can help a lot regardless of your decision).

Sorry that you had to be in such a compromising situation with your mother as well; only thing you can do in that situation is try to convince her it won't happen again, I'm not sure if it'll work with stopping her from trying to get 'help' but it should at least calm her down somewhat so she doesn't escalate it to the extreme. I hope knowing that I and many others here have been in a similar situation comforts you even a little.