Lavínia
plalace
- Feb 19, 2024
- 127
Today my boss told us to focus more on our pending tasks, to resolve them, and not let them pile up so they can come back and overwhelm us. Ha...Ha. What I have most of are pending tasks, I can't get rid of them. One case, another case, and then everything goes around. Doing two, three, seven things at once. New rules. I made mistakes, going back, calling, sending a message, thinking and analyzing. Again, with a difference, maybe another, again. I can't do it all, I can't. I think my performance is slipping, and they're noticing it. I'm noticing. They must be too. This is what I have. That's all. The pending tasks just keep increasing, I can't see them all, out of fear, laziness, or forgetfulness.
I'm writing this drunk, I'm trying to express myself, to write something sincere without connectives or anecdotes. I guess I just want to say I'm tired, I had another crisis today where I didn't know what to do. My heart is racing, I'm walking to get the energy out, but I'm getting more anxious about walking. I'm using the damn candle I bought for therapy to burn my hand and watch the burns. I'm leaving work, drinking every night, and watching my hand burn. I'm trying to burn my torso with a hot spoon and regretting it later, not knowing why I'm doing it. Why? Why?
I really wanted an escape, I wanted to keep going and believe that things will work out. That choosing who I am would work out, but it won't. It can't happen, I try and it doesn't happen. I'm just waiting to die, the date I chose getting closer and closer. And I can't do anything, just wait, just wait for the end, crying. I want to cry, I want to cry so much, what I want most is to cry, but I can't. I can't cry, I don't know why. I want help, I need help, but I don't want to ask. I don't want people to look at me differently. I don't want people, I don't want anything, I don't want to think. I'm so tired, but it feels like I'm just complaining. The person I loved most would never understand this, so what's the point? I don't need others, but if no one will ever understand me, if I'll never be able to express anything, why am I here?
I'm writing this drunk, I'm trying to express myself, to write something sincere without connectives or anecdotes. I guess I just want to say I'm tired, I had another crisis today where I didn't know what to do. My heart is racing, I'm walking to get the energy out, but I'm getting more anxious about walking. I'm using the damn candle I bought for therapy to burn my hand and watch the burns. I'm leaving work, drinking every night, and watching my hand burn. I'm trying to burn my torso with a hot spoon and regretting it later, not knowing why I'm doing it. Why? Why?
I really wanted an escape, I wanted to keep going and believe that things will work out. That choosing who I am would work out, but it won't. It can't happen, I try and it doesn't happen. I'm just waiting to die, the date I chose getting closer and closer. And I can't do anything, just wait, just wait for the end, crying. I want to cry, I want to cry so much, what I want most is to cry, but I can't. I can't cry, I don't know why. I want help, I need help, but I don't want to ask. I don't want people to look at me differently. I don't want people, I don't want anything, I don't want to think. I'm so tired, but it feels like I'm just complaining. The person I loved most would never understand this, so what's the point? I don't need others, but if no one will ever understand me, if I'll never be able to express anything, why am I here?
