qwert3948
It's all ordinary data.
- Apr 24, 2023
- 137
i had a suicide plan for january 16 (!
no actual meaning in the date, just randomly chosen) but i'm visiting my dad and i dont think ill be home any soon, so i guess that's that.
i've been doing pretty well for awhile, but today it just suddenly hit me, idk why. it's 3 am and i can't sleep. i've been overeating again and i hate it. it's all anxiety from being out of meds probably.
everytime i suffer sideeffects from being out of meds i feel so pathetic. like an animal with no thoughts, only obbeying the insticts and feelings i have. I know there is nothing to prompt me feeling like this, but i am not rational enough to control myself.
i am tired of it all. which is nothing in particular really, but i am. i just want to die. i have lived with the wish to die for so long i don't know what i could possibly do without it. what am i supposed to do? live?
what does that even mean? should i just go with the flow and get a job and work every day of my life until i die like everybody else? i would rather die. is that all the options i have?
there are things i would like to do. i wish i was smart, or knowledgeable at least. i wish i could become a better artist and make my own stories. but i feel like if i tried i would realize i'm not capable after all. or that i would discover something horrible about myself in the process. or it just wouldnt be that great at all.
i am so lonely but i cannot keep friendships at all. i yearn for connection, but when i try to talk to other people i feel like an alien. it feels stupid to have even tried or imagined that it could happen. nothing works. i feel like trying to make myself live is trying to push down a wall with my hands. i dont want to live or die. i just want to stop suffering and struggling. i don't want anything at all.
no actual meaning in the date, just randomly chosen) but i'm visiting my dad and i dont think ill be home any soon, so i guess that's that.
i've been doing pretty well for awhile, but today it just suddenly hit me, idk why. it's 3 am and i can't sleep. i've been overeating again and i hate it. it's all anxiety from being out of meds probably.
everytime i suffer sideeffects from being out of meds i feel so pathetic. like an animal with no thoughts, only obbeying the insticts and feelings i have. I know there is nothing to prompt me feeling like this, but i am not rational enough to control myself.
i am tired of it all. which is nothing in particular really, but i am. i just want to die. i have lived with the wish to die for so long i don't know what i could possibly do without it. what am i supposed to do? live?
what does that even mean? should i just go with the flow and get a job and work every day of my life until i die like everybody else? i would rather die. is that all the options i have?
there are things i would like to do. i wish i was smart, or knowledgeable at least. i wish i could become a better artist and make my own stories. but i feel like if i tried i would realize i'm not capable after all. or that i would discover something horrible about myself in the process. or it just wouldnt be that great at all.
i am so lonely but i cannot keep friendships at all. i yearn for connection, but when i try to talk to other people i feel like an alien. it feels stupid to have even tried or imagined that it could happen. nothing works. i feel like trying to make myself live is trying to push down a wall with my hands. i dont want to live or die. i just want to stop suffering and struggling. i don't want anything at all.
