Venting vent thread, feel free to ignore

[halfstay]

heyo, just making a personal vent thread here. open to anyone commenting but of course don't feel like you have to!

i just finished a month of intensive training for my job and now im on a five day weekend. I feel nothing, and somehow everything.

im bipolar, and I've been on sixteen (I think??) or so medications in the last six months. did the dna test thing to see why none of it was working (or more commonly, making it significantly worse), but no dice.

i think ultimately, at some point in time, im going to take my own life. and I think it'll be impulsive, horribly violent, and painful. probably during an episode.

I don't feel like there is a "rational" side of me. there's me when I'm manic, me when I'm numb, almost inhuman in my indifference, and me when I'm utterly depressed and suicidal.

I'll leave behind a lot of wonderful people, and undoubtedly traumatize them in the process. And I'm pretty confident my sister will take her life shortly after I take mine. I don't want her to, and I have a letter prepared for her begging her not to. But she will, and that's entirely my own fault.

I wish I could tell these people drifting towards me to not get too close. Because I'm going to die. But they're all good people so they want to "save" me, and it ends up causing more problems. So I'm an asshole, i ghost people and don't respond.

ideally I would like to go out peacefully. I would like my family to understand that I've tried, but I'm just in a constant cycle of pain. The only peace for me is death. I wish I could hug them all one last time and have them tell me it's okay for me to go.

But it won't happen that way. I'll be alone, violent, and unstable. If I survive an episode like that, I'll be mutilated. I know it's coming and I can't stop it. No psychiatrist, doctor, therapist, or medications can stop it.

i don't feel like a person, I feel like I'm just a symptom. a personification of a condition. maybe there's something more than just bipolar, but does it matter? I don't think so. knowing or not knowing isn't going to stop the inevitable.

reading this back, it all feels incoherent now… and what's funnier is that soon I'll feel like a god and regret ever typing this. but then I'll be back and thus it will go. over and over and over. over and over and over.

 

[halfstay]

I had a good day, I think? but now im angry for no particular reason. im hungry but I also feel fat and full. I don't really think I like any part of existing. my hobbies don't interest me. I sleep the days away when I'm not working because that's the closest I have to being dead I guess. I loathe waking up. I have nightmares every night but somehow facing reality is more terrible.

right now I'm particularly angry that people care about me. i went out with a coworker today to a petting zoo (which she randomly dropped was the same place she went with her boyfriend for Valentine's Day. yikes.) and I just couldn't relate to her at all. She seems to be really insistent on talking to me and hanging out but I sort of see it as a chore. another person I have to satiate with my presence because if I don't they'll make things more difficult for me.

I want to die. and I wished no one loved me so I could make that decision easily. but I'm trapped here now. maybe that's why I'm so angry all the time.