Venting Update after a couple of months away.

[shinitai_sh0jo]

I got accepted into a bunch of colleges after I ended technical high school. Ended up inrolling in Law at a public university. It's a pretty good university, so... I am a bit proud of myself.

The shitty thing was that I had to change city, so I don't live around my support system anymore. They do help me from afar and I travel to my hometown on my own (started to travel on my own for the first time because of this lol) to keep doing my psychiatric treatment.

I am probably going to move away from the house I am currently in and going to live on another place. So... my current problems (such as the lack of a proper bedroom) should get solved.

I am worried abt my current thoughts about ctb and sh, because I am NOT SUPPOSED TO HAVE ANY OF THEM. I really CANNOT have the luxury of relapsing, since my mother explicitly told me that I'm going to go back to my hometown if I relapse... so being accepted here goes all to waste.

I am struggling with my social anxiety every single day, I feel nauseous around the last class and I didn't make any close friends, since I know I can't really trust people much.

I hate feeling alone. I hate feeling the need to harm myself and the impending feeling that I should ctb. I've talked to my therapist, and at the same time I want to reach out and ask for help I want to deal with it on my own and prove that I can be independent despite having ASD.

I'm tired of not sleeping well.
Also, something else is making me anxious ever since the start of the month. The rates of femicide in Brazil are VERY high. I feel scared of making relationships w new people because of that, especially when it treats to men.

There was a girl from my college who dissapeared, and the report of the rape of two girls at a party. Not that I go much into parties, but even so, it got me anxious at the time.

I tried to stop looking about news related to it, but every time I remember anything about it I feel like I shut down.
I feel like it's better to just ctb before anyone kills me unexpectedly.

 

[trav4d0fudid3x]

Congratulations on being admitted on law school :) it's though to join a good, public one in brazil. well, when it comes to new relations and this new life you will have, i think it's important for you to create connections with people from your college. i know its hard, sometimes painful, and maybe you will regret it, but it could turn out to be the beggining of a good friendship.

About your sleeping problems, has your psychiatrist ever mentioned trazodona? i've been taking it for a couple of months now, and although i get nightmares every single night I've been able to sleep all days like a baby.