Help (TW: abuse) Advice on leaving toxic household? / Rant

[calebzz1]

Hello, I've had this post open for some time but I finally got around to reading everything.

I can relate to what you stated because I live with my mom who is on SSDI for mental illness and it can be a battle some days as she refuses to take her medication at times which leads to her getting quite nasty verbally both in-person and through text messages.

She is an emotional person, slamming doors and blaming everyone else for her problems.

Unfortunately, she can go full SaSu mode at a moment's notice and I simply don't know what to say because I'm going through so much too due to my poor sight.

My mom pulled two stunts.

The first stunt was her abusing DXM behind my back, due to her being high and incoherent I had to go to my cousin's house which was horrible because I could hardly see at the time.

I had to pack a bag too.

Then, I had to leave in the middle of the night.

The second stunt was when she decided to take a bunch of DXM, two THC Mello Yello edibles, was off her psychiatric medication for six days and a glass of wine.

I found the last part out a lot later.

This time, her behavior was a lot worse and she pretty much trashed a lot of the apartment and was doing way too much.

Apparently her reason was "self-sabotage" which made zero sense considering how her life was not that bad to be acting like a toddler.

I now understand why the family does not like her and wants zero contact as she is very unpredictable.

She had to be taken to the mental hospital but I remembered how peaceful everything was after the chaos and how I could truly enjoy my own company without drama.

I had a break for about two weeks.

All I want is a simple life due to being visually impaired and I can't stand when people do theatrics in addition to acting aggressive over literally nothing.

The main issue we have between each other is having different priorities right now.

My sole goal is to improve how I can see in order to get back to work, start community college and continue to learn how to drive.

I have a "hands-off" approach where I let my mom do whatever she wants and realizing that I can't be her caretaker since I'm barely functional at best.

If she messes up consistently and has another stunt, that's not my fault.

I'm not perfect though and age regress at times because my adult mind can't fully grasp the concept of not having, clear stable vision which has made everything a lot harder.

Unfortunately, I have had to become an involuntary NEET due to dealing with a complex visual impairment and I can't work for at least twelve months with no solid treatment plan.

Personally, I'm going for disability benefits because it will open up a lot of doors having a steady monthly income and I can move out with ease.

I would suggest getting a job and alternately disability benefits if they exist in Germany.

I have a great group of friends in person who can assist with moving.

The tricky part is if I should stay in the same apartment complex since the only bill that needs to be paid is electric and rent is relatively cheap.

I don't want her harassing me, though.

Finally, where is the GIF from that I see when you comment?

I low-key got scared because that's what exactly I romanticize when it comes to falling backwards.

I find it very sad.

 

[sohopelessandempty]

Thanks!!<3 I understand I'm so sorry for you too. Unfortunately it's not easy to just leave when you're "an adult" / 18 but people assume it

Aww really? Thank you so much for asking! I'm kinda pretty bad at the moment. Today was a horrible day unfortunately. Been feeling very depressed for no reason

Thanks for making me feel less alone, I hope someday we can leave our toxic households. Sometimes I feel bad saying that because they are nice sometimes, but that's how toxic parents get you.

 

[stellaistired]

I just can't leave. My parents will never let me go. They still treat me like a child. Despite me being over 20 years old, I still have no prober phone, just an old one with heavy restrictions (limited screentime, no google / browsers, no way to install apps without permission, YouTube blocked and any social media ofc)

I thankfully have an iPad I got years ago in my school which I use 24/7 and have freedom on. (My parents had another ipad to control my ipad but I managed to get out of that myself. Except that my age on my ipad is still "11 years old" and I am in a family group thing. But that's not really changing much I think because I can change all settings after figuring out how to get access to their ipad and get the code)

My parents still wish my Ipad would get broken so "I would be free". I still often get threatened that they'll break it, and never let me have internet again. Thank God my mother is 100 times better than my dad. Still she's so confusing?? She lets me have freedom idk and is nice and then suddenly she's on my dad's side and says it's not good blah blah but doesn't beat me or insults me like him.

My dad says I can only leave when I get married but keeps saying nobody would marry me anyway. Fuck yeah I don't wanna get married?! Even there he doesn't makes sense. I'm not allowed to go outside without him knowing everything (where I go, how long, I have to keep my phone loud and on, no turning off and hiding location) and I am not allowed to talk to ANY guys except I HAVE to. I can't date, I can't talk with guys, I can't be homosexual, I can't even be close to a guy, I can't even fucking shake hands or touch them in the slightest way??? If he knew I am homosexual he would probably beat the shit out of me and yell at me a lot. He said he'd even kill me and I believe him. Also of course he has to choose who I'll marry and someone from people he knows (family idk) when I don't know even fucking know that guy except for a few days before marriage. Also of course he has to check up his whole life.. if he does drugs / smokes, if he is religious, how much he knows about our religion, if he does sins, if he has a "good" personality, if he is dominant... What the Fuck?

My dad is probably actually crazy. Seriously. All that OBSESSION with his status and me is weird. He said he'd kill for his status and how our family looks. There's so much else I didn't mention here too. He thinks everything is "not pure" like all my hobbies and everything I do. Literally anything. Drawing? Anime? A different style? Walking different? Mental issues? Disabilities? Eating? Yes. I have no privacy at all. Even going to the bathroom! I can't stay in too long or he waits at the door so I don't do anything inappropriate or cut myself again. I can't even stay up nights easily because he always will hear me and he wakes up so easily even if it's just me standing up from my bed that makes noises. Sometimes he sleeps in the same room as me. He even often checks up my body and looks in my bags, around my room, in my bed, closets to make sure I'm not hiding anything. He once found I had vodka in my closet and I managed to convince him I didn't buy that or wasn't gonna drink it. He found belongings he didn't like. I don't know. Enegry drinks, knives / blades, papers, drawings, notes, figures / plushies.
He always thinks I'll end up doing something unpure. sex work or be a slut I don't know?? He told me that even as a kid. Even when I was 14-15. I never even had him see anything like me being with guys, or sharing pictures of me. I have no idea why he thinks that. He's paranoid as fuck and obessed with religion. He would kill me for God. He believes his dreams are a sign of something. He could be dreaming of me doing something bad and being mad at me and watching out even more for me. Ffs I'm over 20 already.

I know I could leave legally and get away. I just can't though. I couldn't live on my own, I couldn't leave everything behind, I have too many belongings I'd have to take, I am scared he'd find me, I don't wanna leave my mom, I don't wanna leave my cat, I don't want a suddenly huge change (I have autism)

I still wanna do something about it. Any advice or something?

As someone with a toxic childhood, your pain is felt. Have you attempted in texting any crisis/domestic violence lines assuming Germany has resources? Someone can help you

 

[jeevasO-o]

Hello, I've had this post open for some time but I finally got around to reading everything.

I can relate to what you stated because I live with my mom who is on SSDI for mental illness and it can be a battle some days as she refuses to take her medication at times which leads to her getting quite nasty verbally both in-person and through text messages.

She is an emotional person, slamming doors and blaming everyone else for her problems.

Unfortunately, she can go full SaSu mode at a moment's notice and I simply don't know what to say because I'm going through so much too due to my poor sight.

My mom pulled two stunts.

The first stunt was her abusing DXM behind my back, due to her being high and incoherent I had to go to my cousin's house which was horrible because I could hardly see at the time.

I had to pack a bag too.

Then, I had to leave in the middle of the night.

The second stunt was when she decided to take a bunch of DXM, two THC Mello Yello edibles, was off her psychiatric medication for six days and a glass of wine.

I found the last part out a lot later.

This time, her behavior was a lot worse and she pretty much trashed a lot of the apartment and was doing way too much.

Apparently her reason was "self-sabotage" which made zero sense considering how her life was not that bad to be acting like a toddler.

I now understand why the family does not like her and wants zero contact as she is very unpredictable.

She had to be taken to the mental hospital but I remembered how peaceful everything was after the chaos and how I could truly enjoy my own company without drama.

I had a break for about two weeks.

All I want is a simple life due to being visually impaired and I can't stand when people do theatrics in addition to acting aggressive over literally nothing.

The main issue we have between each other is having different priorities right now.

My sole goal is to improve how I can see in order to get back to work, start community college and continue to learn how to drive.

I have a "hands-off" approach where I let my mom do whatever she wants and realizing that I can't be her caretaker since I'm barely functional at best.

If she messes up consistently and has another stunt, that's not my fault.

I'm not perfect though and age regress at times because my adult mind can't fully grasp the concept of not having, clear stable vision which has made everything a lot harder.

Unfortunately, I have had to become an involuntary NEET due to dealing with a complex visual impairment and I can't work for at least twelve months with no solid treatment plan.

Personally, I'm going for disability benefits because it will open up a lot of doors having a steady monthly income and I can move out with ease.

I would suggest getting a job and alternately disability benefits if they exist in Germany.

I have a great group of friends in person who can assist with moving.

The tricky part is if I should stay in the same apartment complex since the only bill that needs to be paid is electric and rent is relatively cheap.

I don't want her harassing me, though.

Finally, where is the GIF from that I see when you comment?

I low-key got scared because that's what exactly I romanticize when it comes to falling backwards.

I find it very sad.

Thank you for this comment!!<3 I have read it all and thank you. It also makes me feel less alone too!!

The GIF is from my favorite anime opening actually. It's called "Bungo stray dogs" and the character is Dazai Osamu. He's my favorite (also in my profile picture) The scene is in the first opening and I feel the same way, how I sometimes feel like when it feels romanticing.. and it's really sad. The character is also like very suicidal himself and tries to kill myself, but makes it look like a joke and jokes around about it, but sometimes gets like seriously. He is also nihilistic often, used to me more when he was a kid though (15-18)
Sorry about talking about it so much xD I really love him and the anime

As someone with a toxic childhood, your pain is felt. Have you attempted in texting any crisis/domestic violence lines assuming Germany has resources? Someone can help you

I tried before but I don't remember what happened.. I think I have up? When I was a minor I also had CPS come often but they literally didn't do anything despite being called like 5 times in my whole life