Trying to get better until I graduate

[Ghostlights]

Day 14:
I'm unhappy with my troubles to make new friends and to fix that, I need to become more outgoing, which is why I stepped out of my comfort zone by going to the cinema to ask if they could give me a movie poster, but they already sent it back to a bigger cinema. I'm gonna call them on Monday... (I hate phone calls.)
Besides that, I tried two new recipes: brownie and lemon-raspberry cookies.

 

[Ghostlights]

Day 15:
Couldn't go out, because it was raining the whole day, but that's alright... it's very calming to listen to. I exchanged some posters and drawings on my wall - looks much better now! Deep cleaned the bathroom... my mom and I are the only ones of us five, who actually do stuff around the house, but she doesn't clean thoroughly enough... if it's not directly visible from the outside, it doesn't get cleaned. I get it, it's quite frustrating when there are three other people, who won't even take their shoes of in the house. The house is an absolute mess and I'm f...ing tired of it. I try my best, but I don't manage to get rid of this chaos. Can't wait to move out!

 

[Ghostlights]

Day 16:
Went to school to get some work done (didn't wanna listen to my parents arguing). Spent the whole afternoon crying, because I'll probably have to live here for about four more years and other things... I can't take it anymore!

 

[Ghostlights]

Day 17:
Woke up feeling as bad as yesterday and it continued for the whole day. I had to go to school to discuss some questions about an exam. Went to my guitar lessons and took a nap in the afternoon to escape my emotions. Now I'm eating a chocolate mug cake and listening to the rain.

New achievement (from yesterday, just forgot to mention it): Admitted that I'm struggling. I talked to a teacher, who I've talked to before about school related problems... I gave her an update on my plans after school (I'm unsure if want to follow my original plan, because it starts to sound more and more like a nightmare to me and I have to do something else first). Not sure if I can even call it an achievement... of course I had to start oversharing, but luckily I didn't mention things like suicidal ideation and so on... it was probably obvious to her, that I'm not doing well... she said, that she can see it from ten meters away, that I'm feeling bad very often. She said I NEED to search for a therapist and I could talk to her whenever I want, but I'm too afraid to ask...
The problem is: it made me realize, that I'm even more afraid to go to therapy than I thought... I'm feeling so bad right now, because saying things out loud somehow made it worse. I believe I'd also have problems with answering a therapist's questions since I'm not good at reflecting how I feel and what I need.

 

[Alumina]

Went to my guitar lessons

what music do you like/play if i may ask?

Not sure if I can even call it an achievement

every step is needed as much as the previous one and as much as the next one

 

[Ghostlights]

what music do you like/play if i may ask?

I mostly play rock and metal, but lately I've been getting into classical guitar since I love J.S.Bach. Some of my favorite bands/musicians are Iron Maiden, Rush, Aerosmith, Avantasia, Meat Loaf and Dio.

 

[Alumina]

I mostly play rock and metal, but lately I've been getting into classical guitar since I love J.S.Bach. Some of my favorite bands/musicians are Iron Maiden, Rush, Aerosmith, Avantasia, Meat Loaf and Dio.

i never heard of avantasia and meat loaf, will definitely listen to what they do

 

[Ghostlights]

i never heard of avantasia and meat loaf, will definitely listen to what they do

Avantasia is a Power Metal band from Germany. Well, it's actually more of a project, centered around Tobias Sammet, who has invited many rock and metal singers to sing on different songs he wrote for Avantasia. I recommend listening to the following songs: The Seven Angels, Promised Land, Ghostlights, Let The Storm Descend Upon You

Meat Loaf was a rock singer, whose most famous songs were written by Jim Steinman (that's the guy, who wrote "Total Eclipse of the Heart" for Bonnie Tyler, for example). His best albums are Bat Out of Hell 1 and Bat Out of Hell 2.
Maybe you've heard the song "I'd do anything for love (But I won't do that)" before.

 

[Alumina]

I recommend listening to the following songs: The Seven Angels, Promised Land, Ghostlights, Let The Storm Descend Upon You

so this is where your profile pic and name comes from ahah. ghostlights gives a strong Dragonforce vibes, but i think tobias' singing is more highlighted with slower background batteries/guitars like in draconian love. i'll def try to listen to the album in one sitting, last time i did this (with the wall by pink floyd) that was dope, it's so bad this isn't a more common practice

Maybe you've heard the song "I'd do anything for love (But I won't do that)" before.

i went to listen to it and i definitly heard it before. i went to listen to some of his songs and it definetly sound like an album named "bat out of hell" should lol, however i did not expected that from a dude named meat loaf
thanks for the discovery !

 

[Ghostlights]

Day 18:
Feeling a bit better, but I've come to the conclusion, that I cannot live here for the next years, so I'm currently figuring out, which steps I need to take.
First, I'll have to go to university for a year, because I didn't manage to find a place where I could start my apprenticeship this year and otherwise my parents wouldn't get child payment from the government. During this year, I'll search for an apprenticeship for 2027 and I'll get a job to finally get my driver's license, which is quite expensive here. However, it is needed for another step. When I start my apprenticeship, I'll apply for financial support from the government, but this sadly won't be enough to cover the costs I'll have... this means I'll probably have to get a part-time job.
After that one year of university, I'll rent an apartment... I'm planning on renting a transporter for a few hours to move my things (it won't be too far away)... it should be a night on a weekend, so I have about seven hours to get my stuff out of my room. A friend of mine will need to help me carry my desk, but I know they'd be down to help me. In the morning when my family wakes up, I'll be gone... there will only be a letter, in which I tell them, that I want to be left alone.

Currently, I'm gathering my own household items, which I hide in the basement. (In my country people often put stuff they don't need anymore in a box at the side of the street for other people to take.)

Today, I also made a list of things I'll need to find, buy and do.

I really hope it'll all work out someday.

so this is where your profile pic and name comes from ahah. ghostlights gives a strong Dragonforce vibes, but i think tobias' singing is more highlighted with slower background batteries/guitars like in draconian love. i'll def try to listen to the album in one sitting, last time i did this (with the wall by pink floyd) that was dope, it's so bad this isn't a more common practice

The Wall! Love that album! One of my favorite CDs I own.^^

 

[SadMcFrowns]

I'm in my final year of school and I'm graduating in a month. I don't go to class anymore, I only have to go to school for my final exams and between those exams I get to stay at home. I've been in a bad place (mentally) for many years, but in the last few years I started losing my hobbies and now I just rot in bed all day and spend way too much time on the internet. Now, that I don't have to leave the house for school, it's even worse. Since I'll be finally "free" in a month, I want to able to actually enjoy doing something by then, which is why I want to force myself to do something every day. Even if it is just a simple thing like drawing, studying, taking a walk or cleaning...

That's probably not very interesting to other people, but I'll try to give an update every day. By telling the internet, my chances of following through are probably higher. I still have about eight hours left of today, so I'll be back later and tell you what I did today.

(I know this won't solve the problems, which I had for years, but I've not managed to convince myself to go to therapy yet and even if so, I'd still have to wait for months until I get to see a therapist.)

This is insanely relatable to me. I graduate in a few weeks, and I've been missing a crazy amount of school recently. My mental state has been deteriorating for a while now, mostly because of gaming, my schoolwork piling up, my parents fighting, and the fact that they think I'm a failure. My dad also doesn't take my suicidal thoughts seriously, which only makes them worse. Well, this alone doesn't make it worse, it's mostly the fact that he mocks me for it. Not sure how he can't take a hint when I've told him multiple times, and when I tried to buy a helium tank online.

I've been wanting to do something productive with my time, but I haven't had any motivation recently. I've been in a bad mental state for a long time, and it's fallen off of a cliff recently. I have a few things I could fix up, old collectibles and other random craftsy things I could do. I may as well join ya here and do something productive with my time, if that's alright with you ofc (it is your thread after all).

 

[Ghostlights]

Day 19:
Sorted my CD collection and listened to one of my favorite albums I own. I forgot how much I love physical media...

New achievement: showering doesn't feel like an annoying chore anymore. It may sound weird, but I've always had this problem, that basic hygiene feels almost impossible to do... I didn't neglect it, but I had to think for hours about how much I don't want to do it. It has gotten so much better in the last couple of weeks. It helps me to not set a specific time like "Oh, I'm gonna shower at 8pm", but do it more "spontaneous".

This is insanely relatable to me. I graduate in a few weeks, and I've been missing a crazy amount of school recently. My mental state has been deteriorating for a while now, mostly because of gaming, my schoolwork piling up, my parents fighting, and the fact that they think I'm a failure. My dad also doesn't take my suicidal thoughts seriously, which only makes them worse. Well, this alone doesn't make it worse, it's mostly the fact that he mocks me for it. Not sure how he can't take a hint when I've told him multiple times, and when I tried to buy a helium tank online.

I've been wanting to do something productive with my time, but I haven't had any motivation recently. I've been in a bad mental state for a long time, and it's fallen off of a cliff recently. I have a few things I could fix up, old collectibles and other random craftsy things I could do. I may as well join ya here and do something productive with my time, if that's alright with you ofc (it is your thread after all).

I'm sorry, that you're not taken seriously at home. My parents don't know about my suicidal thoughts (it would only add more problems to my life), but besides that I'm in a very similar situation. Do you have the possibility to move out after graduation?
I'm always happy when people comment, that they feel inspired to become more productive, so don't hesitate to join. Posting on SaSu actually helps me to stay motivated.

 

[SadMcFrowns]

Day 19:
Sorted my CD collection and listened to one of my favorite albums I own. I forgot how much I love physical media...

New achievement: showering doesn't feel like an annoying chore anymore. It may sound weird, but I've always had this problem, that basic hygiene feels almost impossible to do... I didn't neglect it, but I had to think for hours about how much I don't want to do it. It has gotten so much better in the last couple of weeks. It helps me to not set a specific time like "Oh, I'm gonna shower at 8pm", but do it more "spontaneous".

I'm sorry, that you're not taken seriously at home. My parents don't know about my suicidal thoughts (it would only add more problems to my life), but besides that I'm in a very similar situation. Do you have the possibility to move out after graduation?
I'm always happy when people comment, that they feel inspired to become more productive, so don't hesitate to join. Posting on SaSu actually helps me to stay motivated.

I might be able to move out, not sure if I'll be able to do it right after graduation though. I want to find a job in sales somewhere, but if that doesn't work out I might just go join the military and see where I end up in a few years. I kinda wish I was better at making plans, but I've made it this far by winging it.

Whenever I can though, I want to move out of my country and start fresh somewhere. I'll probably go to the states, I have a few relatives there.

Today I also started working on a project that I gave up on a few years ago. I got stuck on it and now I figured out a way to keep going. Also cleaned up my room a little bit, it's still a mess though and I got lots of stuff to get rid of :p

 

[Ghostlights]

Day 20:
Best day since I've started this thread. Went on a walk with my best friend... (would love to do that more often, but we live in different cities).

 

[SadMcFrowns]

I didn't do much today. Worked a bit on my project and that's about it :p

 

[dollangel]

proud of you! its kind of unbelievable how much just getting out and getting to see and engage with the world when one has been trapped inside can help open up your worldview and make things feel better. i hope it helps you out. working on improving your conditions and choosing to live is often the hardest choice one can make.

 

[whywere]

You are GREAT and getting better by the day!

Every step that you take forward WILL be such a positive development in your future.

You have determination, intelligence and the will power to do and be GREAT!

You are a wonderful soul to look up to, that is 100% for sure!

Have a lovely weekend and stay growing and wonderful, you are just the best!

Walter

 

[Ghostlights]

I might be able to move out, not sure if I'll be able to do it right after graduation though. I want to find a job in sales somewhere, but if that doesn't work out I might just go join the military and see where I end up in a few years. I kinda wish I was better at making plans, but I've made it this far by winging it.

Whenever I can though, I want to move out of my country and start fresh somewhere. I'll probably go to the states, I have a few relatives there.

Today I also started working on a project that I gave up on a few years ago. I got stuck on it and now I figured out a way to keep going. Also cleaned up my room a little bit, it's still a mess though and I got lots of stuff to get rid of :p

It's good that you have some kind of plan. My plan isn't that detailed either, but I'm currently writing down every step and question that comes to mind... I'll have to do a lot of research this summer, but every answered question brings me one step closer to my goal.

Also, congrats on continuing your project and cleaning your room! That mess in my room is also something I have to work on, but I'll do it after my last exams, which are next Monday and Tuesday.

 

[Ghostlights]

Day 21:
Didn't do much besides studying... I don't think I'll manage to learn all the stuff I need to know for my last two exams, but it's my own fault... didn't start early enough.

 

[SadMcFrowns]

Got my suit for grad today :D

Other than that I tried to work on my project, and I am really stuck on it (literally) because there is a screw I cannot unscrew and it is annoying. Not sure how I'm gonna unscrew it.

 

[Ghostlights]

Day 22:
My stomach hurts really bad... I guess it's anxiety, because I have an oral exam tomorrow and I still don't know most of the things I need to know. My exam on Tuesday is going to be even worse.
Sorry to all the kind responses I haven't replied to yet. I'll probably do it on Wednesday, because I'm extremely stressed out at the moment.

 

[SadMcFrowns]

Today I went to my grandmas and ate supper there, I almost choked on a burger because it was so dry but other than that the food was nice. I also did a bit of research on where I can move after graduation. Not 100% sure how it'll work out, but if I am careful with money then I think it should be fine.

Day 22:
My stomach hurts really bad... I guess it's anxiety, because I have an oral exam tomorrow and I still don't know most of the things I need to know. My exam on Tuesday is going to be even worse.
Sorry to all the kind responses I haven't replied to yet. I'll probably do it on Wednesday, because I'm extremely stressed out at the moment.

I'm sorry to hear your stomach hurts, exams are certainly stressful though. I hope you feel better when your exam comes around though.