littleearthquakes
Member
- Apr 10, 2024
- 68
I've fought against this idea my whole life even though I've been told I hurt people and I'm too much (and/or had people act like it) since I was a kid. I was seen as a burden and too emotional and accused of faking my illnesses and attention seeking. Too difficult and too needy and too much. In my darker moments I believed it but part of me felt misunderstood and like I didn't deserve that.
I genuinely was sick and that's been confirmed as have a variety of mental illnesses and neurodivergences over the years. But that's not the bottom line. Because the reality isn't that they were right about me faking or attention seeking. I don't even believe I really am inappropriately needy relatively speaking and I do my best and I try to give a lot back. I try to be there for people and take care of myself and work on myself as much as I can. I try to be a good person.
But the bottom line is the way I come off and how people feel about me. The reality is to most people in my life who have claimed to love or care about me they've also resented and disliked me and found me difficult or critical or needy or depressing. Many have complained about needing to care for my physical and mental health issues. Made me feel really bad for being sick and having needs and emotions.
I now believe especially in light of how much sicker and more depressing and scary and traumatized and difficult to care for and unstable I've gotten that people are objectively better off without me. Any good I have to offer is too minimal and limited to balance it out and I'll never help anyone understand what I go through or my needs.
Part of me still wants to believe I have something to offer but the last few people I've tired to get close to I've only ended up hurting despite my best efforts and trying to be accepting and kind and be a good friend and push on my limits to the point of physical agony at times.
Anyway. I just saw something today from someone I had really cared about that made it clear they're happier and better off without me and I believe my family is too now that I'm out of their lives and I believe my partner/ex I live with (who often expresses frustration and passive aggressiveness and exhaustion) would be happier and free without me.
I just didn't know where else to say this but it strengthens how I feel about what I need to do whenever I'm able to make that happen. Maybe I wasn't completely worthless in this life but there's nothing left for me to give that's positive anymore, not consistently and not without hurting people in too many ways. I need to accept that like I've accepted everything else I've lost to my illnesses and who I am. It's sad but maybe it's freeing in a way too. I don't want to fight this anymore and I'm tired of hurting people and getting hurt. I just don't work in this world.
I genuinely was sick and that's been confirmed as have a variety of mental illnesses and neurodivergences over the years. But that's not the bottom line. Because the reality isn't that they were right about me faking or attention seeking. I don't even believe I really am inappropriately needy relatively speaking and I do my best and I try to give a lot back. I try to be there for people and take care of myself and work on myself as much as I can. I try to be a good person.
But the bottom line is the way I come off and how people feel about me. The reality is to most people in my life who have claimed to love or care about me they've also resented and disliked me and found me difficult or critical or needy or depressing. Many have complained about needing to care for my physical and mental health issues. Made me feel really bad for being sick and having needs and emotions.
I now believe especially in light of how much sicker and more depressing and scary and traumatized and difficult to care for and unstable I've gotten that people are objectively better off without me. Any good I have to offer is too minimal and limited to balance it out and I'll never help anyone understand what I go through or my needs.
Part of me still wants to believe I have something to offer but the last few people I've tired to get close to I've only ended up hurting despite my best efforts and trying to be accepting and kind and be a good friend and push on my limits to the point of physical agony at times.
Anyway. I just saw something today from someone I had really cared about that made it clear they're happier and better off without me and I believe my family is too now that I'm out of their lives and I believe my partner/ex I live with (who often expresses frustration and passive aggressiveness and exhaustion) would be happier and free without me.
I just didn't know where else to say this but it strengthens how I feel about what I need to do whenever I'm able to make that happen. Maybe I wasn't completely worthless in this life but there's nothing left for me to give that's positive anymore, not consistently and not without hurting people in too many ways. I need to accept that like I've accepted everything else I've lost to my illnesses and who I am. It's sad but maybe it's freeing in a way too. I don't want to fight this anymore and I'm tired of hurting people and getting hurt. I just don't work in this world.
I'm sorry I don't have anything helpful to add, but you're not alone in this experience. Virtual hug if desired: 
