Triggers after previous attempts

[burninghill]

For months after I tried to kill myself via train, I couldn't lay down without thinking about it.

I was drunk and it was dark and I was alone, I laid with my neck on the tracks for about 2 minutes before I couldn't take anymore and backed out last second. This was a few months ago. I got the bus home alone and continued on as always.

I can't even look at trains the same way. I'm still suicidal, so looking at them just brings this other-worldly looming feeling. I know that one of them will kill me one day. Seeing one or watching them pass by my house (my window faces the tracks) makes me disassociate. I have to take a second to distract myself from whatever I'm thinking.

Laying down to sleep put me in the same position that I was in on the tracks. Terrifying. Knowing that you're going to die really is just a crazy feeling.

When I see or hear a train, I just immediately start to imagine post-crash, laying there either decapitated or bleeding out and waiting to die. I can't control it.

I'm going to London next week and I'm quite scared. Between my previous two attempts I went to London and could hardly handle it. The rails were right outside my window and I could see the third rail flashing all night, trains passing. I felt like I couldn't control myself, like if I let myself step foot outside of my hotel room then somehow I'd kill myself.

The trains are so fast and so frequent, it's like a nightmare. I have to keep myself safe for now.
I've been self-harming a lot to cope. I'm just going to continue until something pushes me over the edge. Hopefully before my birthday.

 

[Wolff603]

I feel the same thing, I am not gonna say the trigger but whenever something along the lines of what you said happens, I zone out for sometimes even minutes, it feels surreal. I think the chemical or scientifical term behind it is your brain coping by surrounding CTB with a unique presence to restrain yourself from thinking about a present issue or problem that leads you to even want to CTB in the first place. But the other-worldy kind of intuition is challenged by your actual thoughts, which can amplify or make the idea of it all terrifying which I believe creates that feeling.

lowk a rant