ToughTimes
Member
- Jan 13, 2021
- 36
Why does it have to be this tough why cant I just get out of this existence if I can't have a normal life
Today I tried to CTB but was unsuccessful around 30 min after I took the 3 x 10 mg metoclopramide I started having really bad restlessness and it got worse and worse. I knew there was a small risk of getting Extrapyramidal symptoms (EPS) / akathisia but I wanted to follow protocol. I started shaking and had to move as there was no way to just lay still. I have been on antipsychotics before and got akathisia many years ago and thankfully it was not permanent but I am devestated I could not just be allowed this once to not have a extraordinarily rare side effect. It was and is true hell. I was in my car at a remote location and had to drive home in the back as I could lay there. After this I tried to go for a walk just to move or do anything to ease the pain / suffering. Its insane how ones own body can be such a prison.
I just can't take how I fail at everything and there is not life for me. This is truly hellish to exist like this and to be so tortured all the time and not being able to finish my degree right at the fucking last exam after having tried so many different ones and now nearing 30. Why does God or existence if he is there force us to endure so much pain. Why do we have to endure so much and unfortunately and with deep sadness also give it to others because I have a lot of people who care for me but to constantly be a failure and to not make it and to disappoint them and myself is so so tough.
I ended up calling my mom to go home to them as they have some Oxapax. It could help a little but but the suffering went still kept going. Thankfully my mother had to do something so I could pace alone. As I was pacing back and forth at my parents I was shaking and calling out / crying to god begging him to help me not for my sake but for all the people around me and for them not to sufflere more through me. I know that me dying would cause deep deep grief but what to do if I drag them down through all of my existence til the day that they pass.
I don't know what to do now and what other methods are possible for me.
Today I tried to CTB but was unsuccessful around 30 min after I took the 3 x 10 mg metoclopramide I started having really bad restlessness and it got worse and worse. I knew there was a small risk of getting Extrapyramidal symptoms (EPS) / akathisia but I wanted to follow protocol. I started shaking and had to move as there was no way to just lay still. I have been on antipsychotics before and got akathisia many years ago and thankfully it was not permanent but I am devestated I could not just be allowed this once to not have a extraordinarily rare side effect. It was and is true hell. I was in my car at a remote location and had to drive home in the back as I could lay there. After this I tried to go for a walk just to move or do anything to ease the pain / suffering. Its insane how ones own body can be such a prison.
I just can't take how I fail at everything and there is not life for me. This is truly hellish to exist like this and to be so tortured all the time and not being able to finish my degree right at the fucking last exam after having tried so many different ones and now nearing 30. Why does God or existence if he is there force us to endure so much pain. Why do we have to endure so much and unfortunately and with deep sadness also give it to others because I have a lot of people who care for me but to constantly be a failure and to not make it and to disappoint them and myself is so so tough.
I ended up calling my mom to go home to them as they have some Oxapax. It could help a little but but the suffering went still kept going. Thankfully my mother had to do something so I could pace alone. As I was pacing back and forth at my parents I was shaking and calling out / crying to god begging him to help me not for my sake but for all the people around me and for them not to sufflere more through me. I know that me dying would cause deep deep grief but what to do if I drag them down through all of my existence til the day that they pass.
I don't know what to do now and what other methods are possible for me.
