Touched by suicide.

[PDAnnie2610]

Traditionally for the last few years, October and November are the hardest months to get by. Best mate abandoned me and we used to share the same birthday month. She promised she will inform me before ctb, and that form the basis of our friendship. But possibly she wanted to spare me the pain of grieving and she picked a quarrel with me, ending our 7 years plus of friendship.

She always felt that I'll never geniunely ctb, but my resolve strengthened after having lost her, and 2 others before her. Unlike the other 2, she was, however one of my closest friends. The ambivalence is still there, but the sense of abandonment by my best mate has made other friendships and familial relationships tricky at best.

Today, I'm anxiety-driven and the feelings of being abandoned revisited me. Though I do feel that she has finally had the peace that she never had, what she did essentially left me more alone than ever. I don't resent her for dying, and she probably did what she thought was best for me.. still...

 

[CrushedHopes]

Though suicide is a personal choice, it can definitely hurt those around you. Fortunately, I find solace in the fact that only my immediate family would mourn for my death; my mom would experience the most pain out of them all.

 

[PDAnnie2610]

In what has often been a very lonely journey, she was one of the few friends who knew what inner turmoil was. She was never weak, and would teach me to be strong. She was also a constant in my life back then. She didn't have much tolerance for whining or whinging but always had a subtle way of showing concern for those who struggled. In a society that does not tolerate the mentally ill, she managed to juggle her work and hiding her OCD from those in her workplace for more than 5 years - something that I was unable to achieve. An amazing feat given that she works amongst those trained in mental health issues as well.

We used to text each other while playing 'Word with Friends'. How I miss her... and envious of the peace she must be enjoying now...

 

[CrushedHopes]

Sounds like she was a wonderful, headstrong woman. Why did she do it?

 

[PDAnnie2610]

OCD and a sense of fatigue from being the troubleshooter for her birth family. The perceived guilt of not having prevented her dad's murder when she was 11 probably kickstart the shit (yeah we used to confide in each other after sessions with our psychiatrists in the outpatient clinic).