To what extent does autism justify being weird

[Feux]

I know this question doesn't have a real answer. I understand that I'm off-putting and make people uncomfortable and I really want to be able to help it, but when I think back on anything I've done it was like I didn't have any kind of mental or physical awareness in the slightest. I don't feel like I have the agency to be different and I don't know if I'm just making excuses for myself. Even other autistic people would find me strange. Having several other mental illnesses and being a visible minority obviously doesn't help. I just hate myself so much. I can't fucking stand myself.

 

[INYGTRMTFMO]

I know this question doesn't have a real answer. I understand that I'm off-putting and make people uncomfortable and I really want to be able to help it, but when I think back on anything I've done it was like I didn't have any kind of mental or physical awareness in the slightest. I don't feel like I have the agency to be different and I don't know if I'm just making excuses for myself. Even other autistic people would find me strange. Having several other mental illnesses and being a visible minority obviously doesn't help. I just hate myself so much. I can't fucking stand myself.

I spend a lot of time in online autism spaces.

I'm convinced that a core effect of autism itself is feeling strange and, to a degree, disconnected from those around you, even if those folk are also autistic.

That and autism is such a broad spectrum with such a vast presentation that we can be very different from one another. There are plenty of people who are the same "type" of autistic as I am ("mild Asperger's") who have a vastly different lived experience and outlook on life than I do.


I do say that being "strange" and "weird" isn't inherently "bad". Although I have very low support needs and have a job, my co-workers do see me as "quirky", "reserved", "odd"...and they find that endearing (I believe the term the kids use these days is "adorkable").

But yes, the mental health conditions aren't helping your feelings towards that strangeness, and I strongly relate to the self-loathing (ie "If I'm allegedly so 'smart' then why am I so shitty at the base mechanics of being a person??)

 

[fields.of.wheat.354]

I don't think being weird is intrinsically wrong, or something that you need an excuse for - though I'm also autistic, and I can definitely appreciate that it feels unpleasant and wrong to find yourself making people uncomfortable or just being off-putting in the way you describe. People can be moralistic about it, and social rejection often feels like moral judgement even when it isn't. But maybe it helps to remember that those judgements aren't right, and that as long as you're not mistreating people in any serious way it's not up to you and not a moral issue.

 

[webb&flow]

if everyone was autistic then suddenly the neurotypical would be considered weird, then

"what the heck?? why are you not saying what you mean? why are you making all these abtruse metaphors? what do you MEAN you don't intensely maintain interests for things? why do you NOT stim? omg you're so weiiiirdddd!!!"

once someone shared with me, this quotation. "If you're not weird--you're weird."

Everyone is a stranger to someone else. Who should we trust? Who is actually acting in good faith and genuine clear sight? This is ultimately for you to decide. Do not let others tell you that THEY know better, and gaslight you into submission. Rather, question first; look deeply into them, a la Marcus Aurelius.

When another blames you or hates you, or when men say anything injurious about you, approach their poor souls, penetrate within, and see what kind of men they are. You will discover that there is no reason to be concerned that these men have this or that opinion about you.

-- Marcus Aurelius
Meditations, IX.27

To what extent does being human justify being weird?

Once a wise person said: do not kill the part of you that is cringe; kill the part of you that cringes.

This means that rather than trying to conform to some stingy picky view of "what is weird, what is honourable, prestigious, "cool". "acceptable", etc"; instead, pursue pleasure and what YOU enjoy instead, rather than what OTHERS prefer to see.

At the end of the day:
You have only one person you need to please.
Yourself.

---

It is they who are making you uncomfortable, by refusing to accept you for who you are. Imagine people who, instead of stigmatizing, embraced. Then, you could enjoy what you enjoy, free from guilt and anathema and twisted glances.

Haters gonna hate. Autists gonna autism. We likely enjoy our special interests more than the tiny annoying scorns of people who hate to see us do what we do. It is a net positive for us to embrace our individuality over the nitpicking of others. Autists have a right to exist: prejudicers do not have a right to prejudice.

Best wishes. It is hard to figure out oneself in a world screaming at you. In such cases; it is alright to retreat to a quiet room, seek peace, and then learn how to tune out cacophonies from there.

I wish you way more than luck.

Sincerely,
A Fellow Human of yours.