To those who managed to overcome si and had an attempt

[Terrible_Life]

How did you overcome the survival instinct? Did something happen days before which hurt you a lot? Was the attempt planed long time ago? Or did you simply just had enough and thought: well today is a good day, I'll ctb
Also I'd like to know, did alcohol help to overcome si and did you feel anxiety or even regretted the attempt after you did it? I ask because so many of those pro life sources always claim that for example once the person jumped or hanged himself he regretted it…

 

[martyrdom]

My survival instinct is completely broken. I can handle extremely violent attempts, and I don't care at all. I made 3 different attempts in the same day (all failed due to being physically stopped; circumstances outside of my control), all of which needed immediate medical attention and caused some health issues. What made me this way is severe acute trauma and a need to immediately escape the situation I was in. I did not regret a single one, and I had been set on dying for 4 months prior.

I think the defining factor for me is not only that I want to die, but that I actively, consciously and purposefully refuse help, that the potential of any positive outcome in life is not good enough for me and that nothing in this world can make life tolerable with what has happened to me. I can't be helped even if I wanted to be, but I have decided that my circumstances are impossible to live with and that I would not want to live with them even in a hypothetical future where I was somehow happy and well. That is to say, I actively pursue and choose death with the specific purpose of dying rather than to escape pain, or because I wish for any outcome other than dying.

 

[Forveleth]

Or did you simply just had enough and thought: well today is a good day, I'll ctb

This for me. Woke up and was like "Yeah, I'm ready."

... so many of those pro life sources always claim that for example once the person jumped or hanged himself he regretted it…

Thus is a complete fabrication. First, we do not get the opinions of people who have succeeded so we do not know what they were thinking. Second, if the media interviewed someone who lived and the person was like "Yes, I wanted to die. I regret living" do you think they are going to publish that? There is a massive bias in the reporting of how people feel about their attempts.

 

[Terrible_Life]

My survival instinct is completely broken. I can handle extremely violent attempts, and I don't care at all. I made 3 different attempts in the same day (all failed due to being physically stopped; circumstances outside of my control), all of which needed immediate medical attention and caused some health issues. What made me this way is severe acute trauma and a need to immediately escape the situation I was in. I did not regret a single one, and I had been set on dying for 4 months prior.

I think the defining factor for me is not only that I want to die, but that I actively, consciously and purposefully refuse help, that the potential of any positive outcome in life is not good enough for me and that nothing in this world can make life tolerable with what has happened to me. I can't be helped even if I wanted to be, but I have decided that my circumstances are impossible to live with and that I would not want to live with them even in a hypothetical future where I was somehow happy and well. That is to say, I actively pursue and choose death with the specific purpose of dying rather than to escape pain, or because I wish for any outcome other than dying.

First of all I'm so extremely sorry that you suffered so much.
It's interesting what you mentioned because its exactly what also Thomas Joiner said that the more pain happens to a person like for example: psycho traumata or other kind of huge pain that kinda comes near the feeling of dying that in this way many people kinda "learn to kill themself " that this pain makes it for them possible to kinda get completely emotionally numb into some sort of auto-pilot mode and just execute the suicide.

 

[martyrdom]

First of all I'm so extremely sorry that you suffered so much.
It's interesting what you mentioned because its exactly what also Thomas Joiner said that the more pain happens to a person like for example: psycho traumata or other kind of huge pain that kinda comes near the feeling of dying that in this way many people kinda "learn to kill themself " that this pain makes it for them possible to kinda get completely emotionally numb into some sort of auto-pilot mode and just execute the suicide.

Thank you for your compassion. I would say that's right, yeah. I am numb and feel totally nothing the majority of the time unless I am triggered (which for me feels more neurological, like an involuntary body-mind reaction that I do not relate to psychologically or personally). So suicide is very "easy", for me.
Another factor for me, that I forgot to mention, is that I hold a lot of unspeakable hatred & resentment towards my body as a physical creation. So not because of looks or anything related to that (before what happened to me, I was very very happy with how I looked), but just because it exists physically. Hurting my body feels satisfying the same way hurting someone you hate or punching a wall or breaking things feels satisfying. The resulting pain is relieving rather than something that triggers my instinct to avoid it.

 

[capi]

I dont regret my attempt. I regret not doing it fully. I should have died there. But i was so close.

 

[Terrible_Life]

Thank you for your compassion. I would say that's right, yeah. I am numb and feel totally nothing the majority of the time unless I am triggered (which for me feels more neurological, like an involuntary body-mind reaction that I do not relate to psychologically or personally). So suicide is very "easy", for me.
Another factor for me, that I forgot to mention, is that I hold a lot of unspeakable hatred & resentment towards my body as a physical creation. So not because of looks or anything related to that (before what happened to me, I was very very happy with how I looked), but just because it exists physically. Hurting my body feels satisfying the same way hurting someone you hate or punching a wall or breaking things feels satisfying. The resulting pain is relieving rather than something that triggers my instinct to avoid it.

I also hate myself because I didn't realized earlier that something is wrong with me and needs to be fixed otherwise I won't have a life….I am suffering the whole damn day in a house with an annoying family that made huge mistakes when i was a little child. They ruined me and yet because i'm so weak i'm still dependent on them. So in case of having reasons to ctb i have a lot.
I just don't understand why I can't just fearlessly do it and end my pain.
Whenever I tie my knots i get a feeling as if i am just dreaming all this. Suicide feels so surreal to me.

 

[Dumbass]

did you simply just had enough and thought: well today is a good day, I'll ctb

this yeah.
im mixed on it because i do hesitate a lot but a lot of it is just that i know i'll regret it later if i don't at least try. any time i had a chance but failed to try i end up regretting it, so those past experiences help me to just do it even if i might take a little bit to do it

 

[martyrdom]

I also hate myself because I didn't realized earlier that something is wrong with me and needs to be fixed otherwise I won't have a life….I am suffering the whole damn day in a house with an annoying family that made huge mistakes when i was a little child. They ruined me and yet because i'm so weak i'm still dependent on them. So in case of having reasons to ctb i have a lot.
I just don't understand why I can't just fearlessly do it and end my pain.
Whenever I tie my knots i get a feeling as if i am just dreaming all this. Suicide feels so surreal to me.

It sounds like you start dissociating when you start acting on your plan. That can be good or bad, in terms of your goal to ctb, depending on how it affects you. I dissociate a lot, but plans acted in the midst of dissociation can often be careless with a lot of mistakes. I hope you find peace, whether or not you decide to do it.

 

[traingirl]

I think forcing it like setting a date makes SI stronger it did for me now that I've decided whenever it happens it happens I feel less anxious and know it's there as an option but there's no pressure

 

[Terrible_Life]

I hope I'll reach my goal and finally can free myself from this terrible life. I have the rope since December 2024 thats a damn long time and I regret it so much that I didn't finish it few month after the rope arrived.

 

[infinitiez]

I hope I'll reach my goal and finally can free myself from this terrible life. I have the rope since December 2024 thats a damn long time and I regret it so much that I didn't finish it few month after the rope arrived.

ive also held onto mine for a year or two. first few times i tried it my SI was too strong

 

[secretariat]

impulsivity is what works best for me, not that i regretted my first attempt but i do regret not going with a more solid method (didnt have this site at the time).

sn takes too much planning which is why it hasnt happened yet (+ no privacy) but maybe i will wake up one day and decide its truly time.

 

[Terrible_Life]

impulsivity is what works best for me, not that i regretted my first attempt but i do regret not going with a more solid method (didnt have this site at the time).

sn takes too much planning which is why it hasnt happened yet (+ no privacy) but maybe i will wake up one day and decide its truly time.

Which method did you use in your first attempt?

ive also held onto mine for a year or two. first few times i tried it my SI was too strong

Do you also wanna commit suicide by full hanging?

 

[secretariat]

Which method did you use in your first attempt?

a bunch of otc medications that was in the house. it did send me to the hospital but not fatal whatsoever. i was younger at the time and didnt know better but i was also desperate :/ theres a reason its listed as a non-method

 

[Pale_Rider]

Basically I had planned ahead. I was on the methadone program. The most I would get is two bottles @ 115 mg on a Saturday. So I wouldn't have to go to the clinic on that Sunday. I was in a homeless shelter at the time , and they had a close watch on me for suicide. I was also forced into therapy. I always denied that I had plans to use overdose as a method. [ in fact I always denied being suicidal at all, but hard to hide from a therapist the truth when certain topics can bring you to tears. ] every other avenue was closed to me, but for some months I maintained hope that they would eventually screw up, and give me a third bottle. For a holiday, or just some clerical error. Indeed that's what happened. I went in on a Friday, and was gifted a third bottle. [ lol ] I left the clinic, and drank them all. 345 mg of methadone. I executed flawlessly according to plan. The problem was I didn't expect the effects to hit me as quickly as they did. I couldn't make it to a subway to get lost, and had to settle for lieing down in a dog park, and portraying a sleeping homeless man. I'm still here, so obviously I was found , and revived. The rest of the story is right out of the X-Files. Maybe one day I'll share it. In conclusion I overcame SI by having a plan that needed external factors to come online for me to execute. I had worked over the plan many times in my head. The time eventually arrived when all was lined up for me to execute, and SI wasn't a concern when they did. Just robotic execution of the plan was all that existed. Yes there was an emotional outpouring after I drank them, and definitely more so when I arrived at the park where I was to die, and indeed did die. Noteworthy also is the traumatic emotions later after the attempt. Didn't expect that part. I didn't expect to survive either though.

 

[watashiwastar]

i'm struggling to overcome SI as well. the fear of excruciating pain is what is stopping me. i can't imagine how painful killing yourself must be (and especially if it fails) so i'm scared to death.

 

[DeadManLiving]

A combination of all of the above. Having the means on-hand and then only a matter of all of the circuit breakers and fuses trigger all at once. All it takes is just one bad day, just one really shitty day and pooff ... Gone. One day here, next day dead.

 

[Terrible_Life]

i'm struggling to overcome SI as well. the fear of excruciating pain is what is stopping me. i can't imagine how painful killing yourself must be (and especially if it fails) so i'm scared to death.

I can absolutely understand your fear. Its the same fear which stopped me so far. Especially the fear of what if something goes wrong and I'll survive. Whenever I look at my hanging set up I'm like okay its all perfectly fine but what if maybe this neighbor might wonder or what if that family members changes his plans and comes home or what if the music I'll play make me suspicious …..its absolutely exhausting sometimes I wake up and really tell myself man if right now a loaded gun would be here I'd just do it. In general whenever I wake up I feel like this is the time of the day where I'm the most confident and I could just do it I think it is because when i wake up i'm still tired and the tiredness numbs si somehow. Unfortunately i can't just wake up and ctb because it must be planned i need to organize that the house is empty nobody is there

 

[watashiwastar]

I can absolutely understand your fear. Its the same fear which stopped me so far. Especially the fear of what if something goes wrong and I'll survive. Whenever I look at my hanging set up I'm like okay its all perfectly fine but what if maybe this neighbor might wonder or what if that family members changes his plans and comes home or what if the music I'll play make me suspicious …..its absolutely exhausting sometimes I wake up and really tell myself man if right now a loaded gun would be here I'd just do it. In general whenever I wake up I feel like this is the time of the day where I'm the most confident and I could just do it I think it is because when i wake up i'm still tired and the tiredness numbs si somehow. Unfortunately i can't just wake up and ctb because it must be planned i need to organize that the house is empty nobody is there

i have considered hanging as well because i dont really know if i have any other means. but im incredibly afraid of it hurting like hell. this feeling is probably made worse by the fact that ive never really experienced anything that painful in my life i think. hell, ive never even broken a bone before. i self harm often but im honestly used to that, and im almost certain the pain of CTB will be worse.

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

I hope I'll reach my goal and finally can free myself from this terrible life. I have the rope since December 2024 thats a damn long time and I regret it so much that I didn't finish it few month after the rope arrived.

Mine's in the closet with the slipknot tied.

 

[Unlucky777]

My last attempt was impulsive sorta. The past day or two were very fucked up and I felt like the entire universe was against me, my thoughts were super toxic also. I went to the liquor store and bought a 6 pack to give me the courage to make the attempt. I was very disappointed and depressed next morning when I woke up realizing I survived. My only regret was not ingesting more of the poison

 

[3FailedAttemptss]

I just have impulsive bursts where it seems I have no survival instinct— my body just thinks "well, ok let's just do it". It's actually quite frightening >w<

 

[Terrible_Life]

My last attempt was impulsive sorta. The past day or two were very fucked up and I felt like the entire universe was against me, my thoughts were super toxic also. I went to the liquor store and bought a 6 pack to give me the courage to make the attempt. I was very disappointed and depressed next morning when I woke up realizing I survived. My only regret was not ingesting more of the poison

Interesting because today I my day was also totally fucked up and I would have done it impulsively if i could but I didn't prepared everything

 

[Unlucky777]

Interesting because today I my day was also totally fucked up and I would have done it impulsively if i could but I didn't prepared everything

Are you generally an impulsive person? I'm glad you didn't prepare.

I have to add that stuff was piling up for me for weeks and months prior to this. I have been having so much bad luck and My toxic thoughts were very intense, and I think that contributed a lot to my impulsive reactions.

 

[Terrible_Life]

Are you generally an impulsive person? I'm glad you didn't prepare.

I have to add that stuff was piling up for me for weeks and months prior to this. I have been having so much bad luck and My toxic thoughts were very intense, and I think that contributed a lot to my impulsive reactions.

I'm not impulsively in general but sometimes my ocd makes me crazy by torturing me for a lot of time and at some point I feel trapped in a nightmare trapped in hell and just wanna escape just like today. So today after i got so angry i really felt like i could just do it but unfortunately before i ctb i need to build my set up, delete my phone and other stuff so I can't do it impulsively