Venting To reach out or not

[ohsosleepy]

My SN arrived a couple days ago.

I haven't been there to verify and secure it, as I've been stuck at my dorm for a while. I can only hope nothing unexpected happens before I can go home.

I've been debating whether or not to make one last cry for help before I go. Telling the entire truth to my dad and sister. One last chance for something to save me. But what good would that do? What's the point when I don't have the motivation nor desire to get better? Making a real effort towards progress is far more difficult and scary than accepting my defeat and leaving this world. Right now I don't feel much hope for my future. I've been feeling pretty hopeless overall.

At times, I do feel like there's a possibility I could turn things around. That maybe I could enjoy life despite its hardships like others seem to do. That maybe I could improve and not loathe myself this much. That maybe I could have relationships I feel safe in. Such hope is so painful because it can be so strong. It makes me fully believe that this time, for real, things will be different. But I don't change. So nothing else does. Looking back, it feels stupid to keep trusting in that hope time and time again when nothing ever comes out of it. Should someone like me even be allowed to feel hope at all?

I feel like telling my family will just complicate things. If I say something about it, I'll obviously be forced to live longer. When nothing changes once again, and I inevitably CTB, it would just make them feel worse than if I hadn't said anything, wouldn't it? It might make them feel like they didn't do enough to help me. I'm sure they'd feel that way whether or not I tell them, but I have a feeling it would be more painful if they knew I felt like this. Not to mention the financial burden of treatment. If they invest into anything like that to help me, I'd be wasting their money. I don't really want to do anything to get better anyway. Or they might not even take me seriously, and become more upset about the fact that I wasted so much money on college. At least if that happens, it'll give me even more conviction in my decision to CTB.

Right now, the only thing delaying my bus is that I don't want to leave my teammates in a bad position on our final group project. Just because I want to die, it doesn't mean I can inconvenience people this late in the semester. But after we finish, there's nothing stopping me. I'll finally have to make a decision then.

 

[_Gollum_]

It might be worth it to reach out to your dad and sister if there's still a small part of you that hopes for a good life and that wants to be saved, if anything just because it's hard to go through with CTB when you have unanswered questions ("what if I had done x, talked to y, etc."). I understand your dilemma though because as you mentioned, it could make things worse in some ways. But even if you get a bad reaction after reaching out, at least you don't have to wonder anymore, and you can have more confidence that CTB is the right thing for you.

 

[ohsosleepy]

It might be worth it to reach out to your dad and sister if there's still a small part of you that hopes for a good life and that wants to be saved, if anything just because it's hard to go through with CTB when you have unanswered questions ("what if I had done x, talked to y, etc."). I understand your dilemma though because as you mentioned, it could make things worse in some ways. But even if you get a bad reaction after reaching out, at least you don't have to wonder anymore, and you can have more confidence that CTB is the right thing for you.

Yeah, I suppose so. I think I plan to tell them tomorrow. I'm a little anxious and I'll have to work up the courage to tell them.

I realized that even if I didn't tell them, I'd have to postpone my plans because my sister's birthday is only a month away. I don't want to ruin it this soon.

Thank you for your words :) I hope that whatever happens, I won't end up regretting it haha

 

[groovygoober]

I am in the exact same position as you , final year of college lots of money invested pondering whether or not to reach out to anyone or just disappear suddenly. If I had access to a painless method I probably would have ctb a few months ago but now that I have stuck around this far I'm just going to wait it out and see how things go from here . I can't really guess how my parents would react if I told them because of the generation gap but my siblings would probably be much more understanding .

I do think if your family is supportive and empathetic in general and you want to move forward with life then you will have to tell them sooner or later , the same applies to me ,but I don't think you should rush with either decision.

Take your time and figure out what's best for you .