Tired of it all.

[bellaisdonewithlife]

I can barely change, I can't shower, I just have no dopamine. Some days it's hard to eat my favourite foods because I have anhedonia and can't feel pleasure from anything ever. I don't understand how someone can be born with such fucked up brain pathways. What a living hell of a life this has been… It's truly been my worst nightmare.

I think if I found someone in my city tomorrow who wants out, I'd be ready to carbon monoxide out of here right away. I really feel like I'm barely holding on some days lately and it really bothers me that I'm turning 30 next month. This past year all I've been thinking about is how badly I don't want to make it to 30. Maybe someone will finally exit with me.

I'm tired of going through the motions my whole life not being able to feel anything. I'm tired of the endless insomnia and fatigue I've had daily for years. I'm tired of the terrible incurable autoimmune illness I live with. Most of all I'm tired of being asexual, I've hated every second of it. I just want someone to help me exit so I can be at peace.

 

[SASU-KE]

I'm sorry you're struggling with so much for so long. I knew one person who had a few of the issues you did and they didn't make it past 20.

I hope things get better for you and you can find some peace and relief.

 

[SMG08ABUSER]

Anhedonia truly is a nightmare to experience. It's a subtle hell that most can't relate to unless experienced firsthand. I feel this all too
well in my daily life. On the surface, it would look like I am having a blast with friends and family, but deep down I feel nothing.

With whatever choice you make, I hope you find peace.

 

[bellaisdonewithlife]

I'm sorry you're struggling with so much for so long. I knew one person who had a few of the issues you did and they didn't make it past 20.

I hope things get better for you and you can find some peace and relief.

I didn't think I would make it to 29, almost 30. I guess I'm terrified of anything having to do with death and have a very strong survival instinct, which is why I chose to stay and endure so much suffering, even when I was bedridden for a few years feeling like I was hit by a bus every single day. But I'm really feeling like I have enough of all this, especially after learning that I'm pretty much stuck with all these issues for life after many treatments failed over several years. I'm exhausted.

 

[isthisthingon]

I think if I found someone in my city tomorrow who wants out, I'd be ready to carbon monoxide out of here right away. .

Do you have a plan for carbon monoxide? Where are you located?

 

[bellaisdonewithlife]

Anhedonia truly is a nightmare to experience. It's a subtle hell that most can't relate to unless experienced firsthand. I feel this all too
well in my daily life. On the surface, it would look like I am having a blast with friends and family, but deep down I feel nothing.

With whatever choice you make, I hope you find peace.

I'm sorry that you deal with anhedonia too. I feel like my whole life I've been faking a smile while I've been completely dead inside. With all my issues I lost my friends, had no luck with dating, have spent too much time at home, and have been completely screwed career-wise.

It feels like at this point the only thing that may keep me alive long term is if the companies I'm working on launching somehow defy the odds and become somewhat successful. I guess I randomly just found this to be my new interest and distraction. The success would mainly be for myself though.

Do you have a plan for carbon monoxide? Where are you located?

I'm in Vancouver, BC. Yeah, I have the tabs open to all the materials I'd need for a few weeks now. It can all be purchased from a single store that's just a 10 minute drive away from me. It would be good if either me or the person I'm going out with (if I ever find anyone) also have a carbon monoxide detector to measure the amount of CO produced for the best chance of success with the method.

I can actually get the CO detector at the same store that I can get the other CO supplies at. In terms of where I'd do it, really the only safe place I can think of without getting caught is a campsite (closest ones are probably the ones I've been to in the past- 45min away) unless the person has a spot it can be done in where no one else would be at risk, like a car in the garage of an empty house.